Abandoned

I'm feeling abandoned. It hurts. I know it's for the better that C is not completely there for me, it's part of the transition. It's how it has to be. It still hurts. And I still feel abandoned.

It was my choice. My choice to switch to face to face therapy. It is a good choice. I know this. The sessions have already proved to be very helpful. It's really hard making the transition. I don't feel completely safe with T yet, and trust is still building.

I feel like I'm causing more problems for myself with the change.

I NEEDED to talk about what happened with my boyfriend, I needed to go over it, examine what happened and figure out how to avoid it in the future. For over a week now I've been pretending to be asleep so it doesn't repeat and I hate myself for that. I hate that I can't just tell him I don't want to, because I want to tell him, but I'm scared. I'm scared if I say not right now he'll leave. Of course I think that! It's all I've known.

Use me, abuse me, hurt me, leave me.

I'm angry at C for telling me that it's probably better discussed with new T. At the same time, I understand why C would say that. It's important that I stop relying and I guess needing to talk only to her, but at the same time I've been left with this, left alone to struggle with it. Maybe I'm misdirecting some anger. I know that if I had pressed the issue, we would have talked about it, I wouldn't be alone with it, at least not completely. I'm more angry with myself for just simply agreeing with C and dropping the issue. I guess it's a good way to learn how to communicate my needs and be aware of the consequences if I don't.

At the same time I can't help feeling abandoned. I had asked for a session with C this week, but C said we should leave it as is and schedule a session for August. I agreed yet again, even though I didn't want that. Maybe it's for the better, maybe it will be easier when we stop working together. And I can't always get what I want.

But I still feel abandoned.

From one extreme to another

I spent the weekend at my cabin doing absolutely nothing! I read a book, took long naps, ate well balanced meals, took my dogs for walks. I was mostly relaxed and stress free until Sunday evening when I had to drive home. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to go back to reality - really who would?!

I woke up to my alarm this morning with a panic attack? My stomach was in a knot, my heart was pounding and my chest felt very tight, my hands clammy... I smoked a cigarette and tried to breathe deeply to calm myself but it didn't work. I hopped in the shower and spent extra time just standing there hoping the warm water would relax me, but it didn't. The closer it got for me to leave for work the worse my - I guess - symptoms became. I spent a good 10 minutes bent over the toilet dry heaving before I was able to pull myself together enough to start the drive to work. Start being the keyword! I got to Tim Hortons for my customary morning coffee and it felt like the doors of my car were closing in on me, slowly crushing me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't focus, everything was a blur. My arms started to tingle and my chest felt cold. I forced myself to act as normal as possible while I paid for my coffee and drove away. I kept both hands on the steering wheel and stared straight ahead. I think I ran a red light before I was really aware of where I was. I pulled off the road into a parking lot, rested my head on the steering wheel and just started to cry. I started talking to myself, saying over and over "what the fuck is wrong with you?" - I finally managed to pull it together enough to continue my drive to work.

I found a nicer area to park this morning mainly because I just drove around trying to avoid the inevitable. I spent the entire day feeling nauseus and uptight. Waiting for the commands to be barked, waiting to be told that this and that is wrong, having to ask to go to the bathroom, being expected to run at 140% and do the job of 4 people. Getting nothing but negative feedback. I can't take it much longer, yet I can't afford to just quit. The environment and treatment is unbelievably triggering and I leave every day feeling more and more defeated. I'm holding on because the schedule is perfect, being able to work from home when not forced into the office will be ideal for when I go back to school, but what is the limit? How much longer can I work on empty?

I'm absolutely exhausted. My body aches from being constantly tense. I feel like I could just fall over and sleep for days, yet when I finally do lay down and try to sleep I can't, my mind just won't quit. I'm scared to sleep because of nightmares. It's weird really, it's mainly during the week that I have problems sleeping. Come Friday night and I know I don't have to work the next day I'm sleeping by midnight, although it's not a restful sleep because the nightmares are still very much there. During the week I'm lucky if I'm asleep by 2am and and yet still abruptly waking during the night.

The stress from work, the stress from normal everyday issues, the stress from my past, the stress from healing, the stress from nightmares... I really am sick of it. Thoughts of just giving up have been surfacing more and more. I think of how easy it would be. How I would finally be free from all of this bullshit.

[Black and Blue]

stress

I'm not doing very well.

My work life is extremely stressful - I'm not sleeping or eating. Every muscle in my body is tense. I'm filled with stress rage, on the verge of snapping. I normally work at home, but am in the office now for an indeterminable amount of time. I can't afford to pay for gas to drive here or parking since it's now over $10 a day. I am driving though because I start at 5am, as for parking, well I'm parking about 10 blocks away in a seedy residential area for free street parking. It's scary at 4:30 in the morning walking by myself in a terrible area of downtown. All week I've been getting yelled at, whistled at, sworn at, pestered for money or smokes... by the time I get to the office I'm exhausted and scared and ready to turn around and go home and hide in bed.

As for the other stuff, I've been trying to remember what "say it" was, what he was trying to get me to say. I want to know, yet at the same time I don't want to. My father has been calling me for the past week, his birthday is coming up and they want me to go over their house for dinner to celebrate. I haven't called them back. I know I'll feel guilty if I don't at least call him on his birthday, I hate him, despise him, but he's still my father and there was some good with him growing up even if everything he did to me overshadows the good. I don't know, even hearing his voice sends me reeling for a few days afterwards so it's probably better if I don't talk to him. I think what I may do is call him when I know no one is home and leave a message for him so I don't feel guilty.

Sometimes I think about what life would be like if I had a healthy relationship with my father. I watch shows on TV where the father is caring and supportive and will do anything to help or protect his daughter. When I see that, I'm filled with sadness. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it is something I long for. Something I've never had but miss at the same...

Thanks for all the support everyone, I'm still having problems with comments so I haven't been able to respond directly. But know that I've read them and truly appreciate your words...

Why can't I say no??

Sometimes I want to, other times I don't. Why the fuck can't I say no?

Saturday night my boyfriend and I had sex. I didn't want to. I wasn't in the mood. I laid there repeating over and over in my head that I don't want to do this, please don't touch me, maybe tomorrow, I'm not in the mood. But I couldn't say it out loud. Instead I just went with the motions and went inside myself to the place I sometimes go. I stared at the spot on the ceiling I used to stare at when my father hurt me. I don't know where I go...

Why couldn't I say anything?

I feel dirty. Ashamed. Used.

Pissed off at myself, hating myself, wanting to hurt myself.

I just don't get it.

Why?

been a while

I haven't been able to write anything for a few weeks now, every time I come here I get a burning sensation in my chest and I just can't type. I'm sorry I haven't been around to offer support...



I've been thinking non-stop since the session with T today. I had to put on the happy, life kicks ass face right after the session because I was with my best friend after work because I had to go into the office today and we carpooled this morning.

I don't even remember the question that triggered me. What played out before my eyes was fucking terrible. I saw me, the little girl me, and my father doing things to me telling me to say it, I don't know what IT is, but I wouldn't say it. I refused to say it, and he kept pressing the cigarette on my thigh telling me to say it. Say it. Say it.

I wouldn't. Fuck, I wish I knew what IT was...

I didn't even remember this until today. I haven't the foggiest idea what we talked about prior to this taking center stage. And I haven't been able to remove it from my wonderful mind either. It's been in the back, poking it's way out at the most inopportune times - funny (not ha ha!) how it seems to work that way...

I said today that I don't really think about any of this except in the one hour sessions, and I guess that's not true. Well, it's true in the sense that I TRY not to, but the more I think about it, the more I realise all of this has consumed my life. The more I try to push everything down, suffocate it and pretend none of it happened, the more consuming it becomes. The more frequent the nightmares/flashbacks haunt me. The seemingly innocent comments or touches send me reeling into myself. The more I fight it the worse it gets, the further into my shell I retreat.

It's scary in my shell. Lonely.

I'm beating myself up for not talking about what I remembered during the session. The drill sergeant is having a heyday with this, he's perched on his box, megaphone in hand shouting that I'm a worthless idiot. Kinda wish I had a mute button... in time I guess, just getting sick of the waiting...

I almost lost control in session today. I came so very close to crying...

:::::::flat

Monday night I was rocked with nightmares. Very vivid nightmares. I woke up from the first one crying and talking. The fact that I was talking really scared me. I woke up saying "daddy please..." I was clutching onto a pillow, racked with fear.

I'm not sure when I finally fell back to sleep, but the second nightmare was worse than the first. I think I'm nuts... when I bolted awake, I swear I saw my father standing over me. He was THERE, but he wasn't really there... It scared the hell out of me to say the least, I haven't slept since. I'm afraid to.

The second nightmare was just that, a nightmare. My brain decided to torture me and do something different... My father and rapist were both there, holding me down. Taking. Turns. Raping. Me. It seemed so real though, so scary...

I've had a similar dream as this before, similar as in they were both there. Except HE was raping me and my father came downstairs and pulled him off me and shouted that I was his play thing and no one elses...

How fucking disturbing is that?

His play thing...

I am NOT a play thing. I'm a human being. I'm a person. A women.

I AM NOT A PLAY THING
I AM NOT A PLAY THING

...how come I feel like it though?

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

Thanks to Marj for creating this... To all the incredibly strong and courageous people who contributed, thank you for sharing. I find your words inspiring and hopeful...

Blog Carnival

Inside

Today, well... FUCK!

When I'm all alone
And no one else is there
Waiting by the phone
To remind me
I'm still here
When shadows paint the scenes
Where spotlights used to fall
And I'm left wondering
Is it really worth it all?

Life can hold you down
When you're not looking up
Can't you hear the sound?
Hearts beating out loud
Although the names change
Inside were all the same
Why can't we tear down these walls?
To show the scars were covering
Creed

Safe

I had my second session with new T yesterday, it went rather well.

We talked about how I was dissociating in the first session and T went over the session with me so I would know what happened. T went on to talk about how it's OK not to trust her right now and not to feel safe, but that it is a safe space and she is a safe person. T also said it's perfectly OK to feel ambivalent with her or the sessions. By her being the instigator on the subject and knowing that I didn't feel safe and wasn't sure if I could trust her created a safer space for me - kudos to her, she's good at what she does!

The first session I was scared of her. I'm not sure what I was scared of, but in my mind she was a monster. Very intimidating. Yesterday, I actually saw her. She shared a bit about herself which also made her more human and less scary.

I took a depression test, the BDI. I scored 38 which labeled me as severely depressed. We talked a lot about how I still get out of bed in the morning, how I still function in the world feeling the way I do. I told her that I don't have a choice, if I want to live I HAVE to get out of bed in the morning, if I don't I can't live, I can't support myself or even start to take care of myself, it's something I HAVE to do. T gently reminded me that it's not something I have to do at all, I could collapse, I could stay in bed but I'm making a choice not to. I'm CHOOSING to get out of bed, I'm CHOOSING to take care of myself and continue working, to maintain my independence. I laughed. My counselor (this might get confusing, sorry!) has told me that numerous times, but I didn't completely believe it. I don't want to end up homeless and in a worse situation... that's a choice! It's was an AH HA! moment... the light bulb went off. This may sound stupid, but I didn't really know what a choice was and I didn't know I had a choice in the matter.

We touched on a very uncomfortable subject, T asked if I had self injuring behaviors. I wanted to jump out of the chair and run out the door. I couldn't look at her, I kept my head down and stared at my feet. I held my breath for what felt like an eternity before I breathed out the word yes. After I said yes, I looked at T, I NEEDED to see her reaction. T gave me what I needed and wanted, her expression wasn't one of disgust or shock, but one of understanding and kindness.

All of the seemingly little things T does is helping to create a safe space and slowly building trust.

I'm feeling a tiny bit more stronger today...

Wow...

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and ideas regarding the T's... you've all given me some really good things to think about. (I would reply via comments but I've been getting page cannot be displayed on all comments links for almost a week now) I think I am going to talk to my counselor about being a support person and start heading in the direction of the new T. I see T again this Wednesday, hopefully it won't be as hard and I'll be more present in the session. We'll see how it goes...

This weekend has been terrible and wonderful at the same time.

My dogs got into a fight. Spazz has a history of getting too excited which causes him to get stressed and he becomes aggressive towards the other dogs. Usually it's directed towards the other male in the pack, but this time it was directed at his sister Sandy. He hurt her fairly bad, and she has a 2 inch puncture on her face. I was devastated. I was thinking of putting Spazz down because he is unpredictable with the other dogs.

I can't do it.

I spent all of Saturday into Sunday morning crying and thinking. I kept thinking of how it's not his fault, he was abused and had I had him from a puppy he wouldn't be this way. I also thought about how I could help him. I don't think he deserves to be put down, he's a great dog in all other regards. I came to the conclusion of working with him and the other dogs more. I have an action plan...

I'm going to ensure they don't get too wound up and if they do, I will remove them from the situation. I will take them on more walks to help get rid of their energy. And I've got a couple books to read on how to work with canine aggression towards other canines.

I hope to God this works... I can't give up on him. I can't abandon him when he needs me to the most.

Some of you may be thinking it's just a dog. Well he's not. He's my best friend. He's one of the reasons I'm alive today. I rescued him and he's helped save me. I can't describe it any other way. He's my little boy...

My boyfriend and I have done a lot of talking about where we are headed. We've been together for eight months. He's good for me. He's there for me. I'm there for him. He makes me smile. He supports me. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man and with him, I feel safe. I trust him. I love him.

We're moving in together at the end of July.

I'm excited.

New Therapist

So today I had a session with a new therapist. I wanted to see if I could handle face to face therapy.

Wow. It's so incredibly different. So much more challenging. More scary. Harder. Terrifying. Anxiety inducing.

I couldn't stop fidgeting or bouncing my knee or tapping my foot. I kept repeating in my head I want out of here, I don't want to be here, I don't like this.

The new T (T=therapist) has years of experience working with sexually abused women.

Being able to see facial expressions accompanying voice tones had a greater impact on me today. But at the same time, being looked at and watched and knowing that you're being watched and every movement you make is being scrutinized is completely unnerving. I told T that I wasn't comfortable with her looking at me all the time, especially if I'm thinking/processing something. She agreed not to do it as often or as long but said it's important for her to look at me for nonverbal queues.

T tried to delve into some heavy stuff today, but I wasn't going there. I warned her upfront that I'm going to be very resistant and closed off until I trust her and feel safe, and that it may take a long time for that to happen. After about 30 minutes into the session I interrupted her and told that I don't really remember what we've been talking about. She thanked me for letting her know I'm dissociating.

T prefers if I slowly stop working with my current counselor and focus working solely with her. I don't know what I think about that. There's a huge attachment to my current counselor, and I'm not sure that's such a good thing, but it allows me to talk to her and be honest. It took almost 6 months to develop that and I'm not ready to give that up and have to work again from the bottom with the new T. I trust my current counselor completely and I finally feel safe talking about things in our sessions. I've got some thinking to do I guess, and I would rather just work with both to cover different aspects. Practice saying things out loud with my counselor before even attempting it with T would be preferable. I don't know, the idea of not having sessions with my counselor scares the fuck outta me...

I guess that's what makes the counselor/client relationship so unique. There's this person, a real feeling person who listens to everything you say, gives you 100% of their focus/attention for an hour, they don't judge you or criticise you, they just listen and help you to see things differently, to make positive changes in your life... in a sense they're the best friend you've never had or lost. They're the stuffed animal or pet that you pour your heart out to, except they talk back. And you pay them. And everything is solely about you. So really, they're just there to help you and once you've been helped or healed you don't need them anymore, but I think you still want them there... I'm not really sure where this is going, I'm just rambling now... I guess I'm trying to say because I started working with my counselor and there's an attachment and a deep level of trust and security I'm not even remotely ready to give that up. She has helped me immensely, taken me to places I didn't think possible a year ago and I want to see it to the end with her.

But... at the same time I think the face to face will be more helpful in the long run. Being able to look into T's eyes as I told her something really hard and seeing the impact and softness and compassion and hearing it at the same time was healing in itself, even though it was terribly frightening and when the session was over I had to force myself not to run out the door and flee to my car.

I DON'T want to stop working with my counselor. I WANT to continue working face to face with new T. I think I can handle it, I think we can make it work. I WANT to make it work.... but is it possible?

hating this

The weekend was OK. I spent a lot of time lying in the hot sun. I wish I could say I got some really good thinking in, but I just stared blankly at the trees and listened to the songs of the birds. It was a fight to keep the tears at bay.

I usually love it at my cabin. I love being outdoors and in the woods. I'm fascinated with trees, every tree is completely unique. I love waking up, sitting on the deck with a cup of coffee, smoking a cigarette and listening to the birds with my eyes closed. It's completely grounding and reminds me how beautiful life really is.

I didn't really enjoy it this time though.

I felt like crying instead of smiling.

barely holding it together

Sad
Angry
Hurting
Lonely
Scared
Confused
Anxious
Lost

Combine all of those feelings and there I am, trapped in the middle. Drowning.

I haven't resorted to SI. Every hour that ticks by is an accomplishment.

ML pointed out something I didn't see - I'm feeling. I'm feeling intense, heavy feelings. That's a good thing. Haven't let myself feel anything like this before and I guess I wouldn't be feeling all of these things if I wasn't "ready" to feel them on some level.

I'm trying really really hard to stay strong. To keep pushing myself to keep my head above water. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. It seems the never ending inner strength isn't really never ending and the end is fast approaching.

I'm going to my cabin for the weekend. My boyfriend, best friend and I are leaving this evening. My father never hurt me at the cabin, it's my only safe space. Maybe it'll help...

Something has to give... and thanks to my stubbornness, it's NOT going to be me.

The longer I sit here and stare at the screen, the more sad and angry I'm getting.

I'm fucking confused. And I'm pissed off.

The entire time in NY my father was the way all fathers should be. He was really kind and caring, told stories about me as a kid, funny ones that I didn't even remember. He took care of me.

I really don't want to admit it, but I enjoyed it. Warm feelings towards him started to develop, but at the same time my hatred grew. I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted to scream at him that he doesn't have a right to act fatherly, that he lost it the second he laid his perverted hands on me. I wanted to tell him to fuck off...

More than anything... I wanted him to say he's sorry. I wanted him to apologize for everything he did. I don't know why I want an apology, it won't take anything away or make it better. Well, it will take away the blame I still lay upon myself - still faltering with the whole it's not my fault thing.

And I'm crying again.

FUCK I HATE THIS

Why can't I just suck it up? Plunge it down and carry on?

Dammit

I am so fucking sick of just surviving. So sick of carrying this fucking bullshit with me all the damn time. I don't even know what it would be like to be free from this crap. What it would be like to wake up in the morning and smile and look forward to the day? What it would feel like to be clean instead of constantly feeling dirty and disgusting?

I feel so defeated.

Lonely Day

[Phantom Planet]

I have nothing left to say, this song kinda says it for me

Tired

I'm so tired. I just want to give up. I don't have the energy or the strength to keep fighting this.

I feel so incredibly hopeless.

I'm not worth it. I'm not worth helping.

Worthless.

It's not worth struggling through this. I always end up in the same place - feeling like a piece of a shit.

I hurt.
I'm sad. Beyond sad.

I want to give up. I want to sleep. Forever.

The tears are just pouring out, yet I'm feeling worse. I can't stop them.

I want to hurt myself. I want to cut. Slash. Erase the pain.

I wish I had the courage to just... fuck I don't know. Thoughts of killing myself are running rampant right now. The sweet relief. The end of turmoil.

I'm reading the contract I signed with my counsellor. I can't break it. I want to. I really really want to. But it's not the answer, I have to keep telling myself it's not the answer.

This too shall end.

But when?

I'm tired.

Lost

So here I am. I'm home.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere actually.

Today is not a good day. Yesterday wasn't either.

I'm not sure how I am. I'm here, I'm breathing, but I'm not alive - if that makes sense. I don't know how to explain it.

I'm feeling sad I think, yet numb at the same time.

Fuck I've lost my mind.

ML said it best when she said she felt like two people...

I'm questioning my sanity. I suppose that's a good thing. Crazy people don't often think they're crazy...right?

I haven't felt like doing anything for a few months now. I've been trying really hard to hide it from everyone by doing more things than I normally do. Overcompensation. I don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings anymore. I just want to curl up and cry. The more I try to hide it the worse it's getting.

Can depression get worse, even with anti-depressants?

I feel hopeless. I feel worthless.

And in case some of you are thinking this is related to spending a week with my father, this has been going on long before that. Although I'm sure seeing him as much as I did wasn't helpful.

I don't know why I constantly have the need to hide how I'm really feeling. Actually, I do. As a kid I had to hide everything. It's a hard habit to break I guess.

Aw well whatever... it's another day I'm still breathing...

New York

I'm having a wonderful time, yet finding myself growing more sad and depressed. Scared and exhausted.

I don't understand.

My father has not done or sad anything inappropriate.

I'm in NY, I've seen a Broadway play, spent hours in Central Park and Battery Park. I'm living my dream.

But I'm not enjoying it.

I've been on edge, extremely hypervigilant for a week now.

I want to go home. I want to see my boyfriend whom I miss terribly. I want to play with my dogs. I want to sleep in my own bed.

I don't want to go home. I don't want to walk into that house, walk in that ROOM and be flooded with memories.

I don't know. I'm rambling. There's a million things going on inside of my head, a million feelings, a billion thoughts, I can't seem to pinpoint a single one.

I wish I could just open my mouth and close my eyes and all of the things that are trapped inside of me are released, silently screaming from within and polluting the air around me instead of poisoning my insides.

Fuck.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Pep Talk

I'm off to New York tomorrow for a week.

I've been really scared and nervous for the past few weeks as I'm going to New York with my father and his wife. His wife offered the trip as a way for me to get away from everything for a while, and by everything they mean the separation and pending divorce. They paid for the plane ticket and hotel for me and I just couldn't turn it down.

On many levels I wish did decline the offer.

I'm terrified that he is going to manipulate a situation so we are alone together. Terrified that he's going to say something triggering or touch me inappropriately. Scared to death that I will turn into that scared little girl and freeze if he does do anything.

I won't freeze. I can't let myself. I NEED to stand up and tell him NO! You can't touch me or say things like that to me, it's wrong and I won't allow it.

I would love it if I could just say... OK y'know what, DON'T! DON'T EVER fucking touch me again. DON'T EVER fucking say those things to me again.

I'm afraid I won't be able to.

I'm terrified that I might have to.

I KNOW I absolutely need to.

If I don't, I'll be back to where I started. I'll take so many steps backwards in my healing. I can't let that happen.

I CAN say something if I need to.

I CAN protect myself.

I WILL protect myself.

My counsellor used what I call the "D card" - we talked about this during our last session and the importance of protecting myself. The "D card" is my counsellor being disappointed in me if I don't protect myself. Hearing her say she's disappointed was almost catastrophic the first (and hopefully the last) time, I couldn't handle disappointing her and myself at the same time. I was a wreck for days after that. I know she said it because it's an incredible driving force for me to protect myself. I don't really like the pressure of the "D card" but I know it's that needed push to ensure I do stand up and protect myself.

I CAN AND WILL.

I have to...




On a side note, take care everyone. And ML - it's NOT YOUR FAULT.

Letter to my father

I've been writing this for months, I can never quite articulate what I really want to say. How angry I am. How much pain he caused. This is just a start and I don't think there will ever really be an end...

 

I fucking hate you.

 

You stole my innocence. You stole my ability to be a child. You stole my ability to trust. You destroyed the precious father daughter relationship I longed for.

 

You stole everything that was pure.

 

I was just a little girl. Why did you do those things to me? Why did you have to hurt me? Why did you always tell me I was daddy's special girl... that I was the most beautiful girl in the world until you would hurt me then you would say I was ugly and that you hated me. Is that why you hurt me, because you hated me and I deserved it? Is there something I did to deserve it? Was I not good enough? I always tried so hard to please you, to be the best daughter you could have and yet you still continued to hurt me.

 

Asking these questions are ridiculous. NOTHING I did or could have done was reason enough to do those terrible things to me. To hurt me in so many ways, to scar my life, to take away my childhood. To destroy my innocence.

 

The hate I have for you is so encompassing I think it will swallow me whole. I sometimes think about how I could cause you the same turmoil you have caused me, but that is just not possible. There is nothing that I could inflict on you that you would even remotely begin to equal the pain you have caused me.

 

How do you wake up every morning knowing what you did to me? How do you look at yourself in the mirror and not see the monster you really are? How do you laugh and smile and lead a normal life while I'm left struggling each and every fucking day?

 

Do you remember the hair brush? Do you remember the hot curling iron? Do you remember the cigarette burns you left on my thighs? Do you remember my cries of pain? Do you remember me pleading and begging you to stop? Do you remember laughing at me?

 

I remember.

 

I will NEVER be able to fucking forget. I will never be able to erase the pain, the memories, the terror or confusion. I despise you. I can barely wait till the day you die so I can spit on your grave.

 

Fuck you daddy dearest.

 

FUCK YOU.

Fucked up

I've been trying to write. Trying to think. Trying to process. Trying to feel.

Nothing.

It's like a tornado of thoughts and feelings ripping through my mind, nothing constant.

Not one stable thought.

At times, the tornando stops and my head is empty. Still, not a stable thought.

The dreams... those, those won't go away.

NOT my fault..

This has always been a really hard area for me, I imagine for a lot of survivors.

My counsellor and I had a breakthrough of sorts of today. Through a very difficult homework assignment we worked at the abuse not being my fault.

I've always blamed myself. Always told myself I deserved it. I was a terrible kid. I asked for it. IT WAS MY FAULT.

We discovered why I did/do this - it was a barrier to the deeper pain, grief, loss, anger. It allowed me to be in control, to give meaning to the abuse.

We are closer now than ever before with me saying IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

It's not.

And I'm terrified.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm anxious.

Terrified. I'm shaking as I type this.

I don't know what to do. I'm so scared I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be lost. If I'm sad or in pain tomorrow, I can't do my normal of beating myself up emotionally if it's not my fault. I can't direct the anger at me.

I might actually have to feel all of the feelings I'm scared to feel.

I don't know how to handle those feelings - one of the reasons of blaming myself - so I don't have to.

I want to cry.

I can't.

It's not my fault.

I'm scared...

More on Sexual Feelings During Sexual Abuse

People's bodies respond differently to sexual abuse and incest, but bodily response is irrelevant. The only things that are relevant is consent and legality.
If you did not consent to the sexual contact, then it was wrong. It was a crime. Some criminals will try to convince you that the orgasm proves that you consented, and some ignorant judges or juries may believe it. But it simply IS NOT TRUE. Our bodies are made to respond to touching and contact even under severe duress. This does not mean you are in any way responsible or that you participated willingly. Incest most often happens to small children, who are in no way capable of providing consent to a sexual act. An orgasm is not considered consent. It was an involuntary reaction by your body, like a sneeze or a hiccup.

To illustrate the principles of consent, I will use a slightly less horrible example. A woman was being relentlessly pressured by her husband for sex. He drove her crazy. She tried to talk to him about it, but he would not accept her viewpoint, and kept bothering her. So eventually she would relent just to get some peace of mind.

After the sex, he always pointed out that she had also had an orgasm. He took it as proof that she had wanted sex too, and proof that he was doing nothing wrong.

But he was wrong.

In this example, the wife relented, which means that it was not a criminal act. But in a healthy relationship, sex is an act of love that celebrates a relationship. Afterwards, you should feel good about yourself, your partner, and the fact that you are together. But to this woman, sex was a chore. Afterwards, she felt lousy about herself, lousy about her husband, and was seriously questioning their entire life together. Her orgasm had no relevance to the fact that this was a seriously unhealthy relationship.

In the context of incest, abuse or sexual assault, the situation is even worse. In these instances, incest and the sexual abuse isn't even about sex. Sex is merely the weapon used by the attacker to demean the victim as much as possible. In Old Testament times, soldiers of a victorious army would often rape the soldiers of the losing army -- not because they were gay, not because they wanted sex, but because rape was the ultimate humiliation, the ultimate act of domination and violence. And everyone knew it.

It's understandable that survivors of incest, abuse or sexual assault would be confused by their body's response if an orgasm occurred. But make no mistake about it -- that does not make it a sexual experience. It does not imply consent to sex or enjoyment, and does not negate the horrible emotional wounds that are inflicted by incest. It was an involuntary bodily reaction, like a cough or a sneeze. It should not be interpreted in any other way.

If you had an orgasm or response as a result of incest, please do not let that stop you from getting help in healing from the crime that was committed against you.

incestabuse.about.com

What We Would Like You to Know About Us (Survivors)

1. We grew up feeling very isolated and vulnerable a feeling that continues into our adult lives.

2. Our early development has been interrupted by abuse, which either holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally.

3. Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives.Not dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our self-confidence, and our trust levels are affected.

4. Putting thoughts and feelings related to our abuse "on the back burner" does not make them go away. The only way out is to go through these emotions and process them.

5.Our interest in sexual activity will usually decline while we are dealing with this early trauma. This is because:we are working on separating the past from the present.

6. Pleasure and pain can sometimes be experienced simultaneously.

7. It is important for us to be in control, since control is what we lacked as children.

8. Sometimes we need a lot of space. Pressuring us to have sex will only increase our tension.

9. We often experience physical discomforts, pains, and disorders that are related to our emotions.

10. We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart inside.

11. There is nothing wrong with us as survivors -- something wrong was done TO us.

12. Sometimes others get impatient with us for not "getting past it" sooner. Remember, we are feeling overwhelmed, and what we need is your patience and support. Right now, it is very important for us to concentrate on the past. We are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on the world; this won't happen overnight.

13. Your support is extremely important to us. Remember; we have been trained to hold things in. We have been trained NOT to tell about the abuse. We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: we were fearful about how you would react, what might happen, etc. We have been threatened verbally and/or nonverbally to keep us quiet, and we live with that fear.

14. Feeling sorry for us does not really help because we add your pain to our own.

15. There are many different kinds of people who are offenders. It does not matter that they are charming or attractive or wealthy. Anybody -- from any social class or ethnic background, with any level of education-- may be an offender. Sexual abuse is repetitive, so be aware of offenders with whom you have contact. Do not let them continue the cycle of abuse with the next generation of children.

16. We might not want or be able to talk with you about our therapy.

17. We are afraid we might push you away with all our emotional reactions. You can help by: listening, reassuring us that you are not leaving, not pressuring us, touching (WITH PERMISSION) in a nonsexual way.

18. Our therapy does not break up relationships - it sometimes causes them to change as we change. Therapy often brings issues to the surface that were already present.

19. Grieving is a part of our healing process as we say goodbye to parts of ourselves.

From Triumph over Darkness by Wendy Ann Wood, M.A. copyright Wendy Ann Wood 1993

Sad

Today I'm sad and I don't really know why...

Dreams

Nightmares?
or
Night-terrors?

I scared my boyfriend Friday night. I had a dream. I don't remember the dream. Saturday morning he told me I scared the hell out of him. I apologized.

In the middle of the night I started whimpering, mumbling and shaking my head no in my sleep. I started thrashing and flailing my limbs violently. He said I jumped, caught about a foot of air and fell back on my bed. He said I curled up in the fetal position and a few tears ran down my face as I continued sleeping.

I don't remember the dream.

Saturday night I had another dream. I remember this one.

I was in my basement, HE was there. Everything looked the same as it did THAT night... we had the fire going, When a Man Loves a Woman was on the television. He had me pinned, my hands under his knees and I was kicking and shaking my head and crying and screaming for help.


There I was on the couch. There HE was on top of me. The REAL me was watching from the middle of the room. The REAL me tried to scream, tried to reach me, but couldn't. It was like I was behind a glass wall and there was nothing I could do. I felt completely helpless. I couldn't save me. I felt like a failure.

During the dream I was kicking again, and moaning/whimpering.

The dream played out exactly the same as when HE raped me. When HE penetrated me is when I woke up. I jumped and was hyperventilating. I was terrified. It took me a few seconds to realize it was my boyfriend holding me. I closed my eyes and forced myself to take slow deep breaths until I was calmed down enough to pretend to be normal. I turned on my TV and made myself concentrate on an infomercial.

It's no surprise I'm exhausted. I had the identical dream again last night, not sure if I was jumping or kicking or moaning in my sleep as I was alone, but I did bolt upright and I've been awake ever since.

My doctor prescribed Clonazepam (Rivotril) to help with sleep and the nightmares. I'm hesitant to take it as I firmly believe the stuff I refuse to process or deal with during the day comes out when I'm sleeping and it's helping me in it's own terrifying way.

Commentary

This is from my favorite radio station. The guy doing the commentary speaks out about all kinds of things, and he says stuff the rest of us are usually afraid to say.

Treatment of Pedophiles in Jail

It is harsh at the end, possibly triggering. So please, if you're not up to it, please don't click the link...

**Update 05/10/06 6:26AM**

I moved the file to another hosting service. It works now!

Everybody wants...

And I will turn off
And I will shut down
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground
And I will turn off
And I will shut down
The chemicals are restless in my head
Stabilo

Stress

I'm nearing the end of my rope.

I am incredibly stressed. There are things happening at my workplace that I'm not able to talk about, but really wish I could. It's eating me alive! Suffocating me.

I'm very tempted to take short term disability to remove myself from the situation because I'm not coping very well and have been ignoring my needs and self care and allowing myself to be consumed by the situation.

I've been having anxiety/panic attacks lately. My heart races, I can't breathe, I feel dizzy, my arms tingle.

I think it's a combination of the stress at work and the stress of my life. Actually I know it's a combination of it all.

Does anyone have any techniques they use to handle stress or anxiety attacks that actually work?

And a lightbulb went off!

I have an idea...

I think it may be feasible, depending of course on funding.

Searching for Angela Shelton - for those who are not familiar, it's a documentary about Angela Shelton who is a survivor and her travel across the US searching for other Angela Sheltons. She found 40 Angela Sheltons, 24 of whom are also survivors. Basically, it's all about breaking the silence and healing.

As a fundraiser, I was thinking of purchasing the right to hold two public viewings of the documentary.

Holly of Holly's Fight For Justice and I are working together to create a national hotline in Canada, much like RAINN in the US, or locally, The Kids Help Phone.

I think this might be a great way to fundraise for the hotline, as well as silicone bracelet sales.

I was also thinking of approaching local helplines and crisis centers to see if they might possibly want to get on board.

It might also be an idea to do the same in the US for Marj's idea of creating Survivor's Aid.

What do you think?

One Step Closer

Had a very good session with my counsellor this week. We covered some important stuff and I've been thinking a lot about what was discussed.

We ended the session with me in tears. I was feeling rather strong and was OK to have ended that way as it left me to continue processing what we talked about. The tears were a mixture of relief, understanding and some sadness.

I had made a statement that sometimes I liked the attention I got from my father as opposed to the negative attention I normally received. I grew up in a very angry house. Everyone was always yelling, screaming, hitting - I was usually on the receiving end of it. I was also spoiled rotten with material possessions - I think it was my parents way of making up for everything I endured as a child. I would have rather had positive attention as opposed to a new bike or a million toys. I was very embarrassed to admit that sometimes I liked the attention from my father, but that embarrassment is gone. I'm OK with it now because it makes sense.

Sometimes before my father would hurt me, he would climb into bed with me and just cuddle. The cuddling was what I liked. It was pretty much the only comforting anyone gave me as a child. In talking with my counsellor about it, and hearing her validate why I liked it erased any embarrassment or shame I had around this, it was relieving and comforting in it's own way.

I'm one teeny tiny little step further in healing...

It feels good!

Wash Away Those Years

I'm breaking about a million copyright laws I'm sure... but this is in an incredible song.

[CREED - Wash Away Those Years]

I'm very music oriented and use it quite frequently in my healing or to express feelings or thoughts I don't have the words for yet.

Good questions!

Anonymous said...
question do incest victims sometimes become more sexually active? Do rape victims desire their abuser?

5:04 PM


Dear Anon,

I am by no means an expert in this area, but I have read numerous books and articles on the subject as well as have some first hand experience!

Yes, some sexual abuse survivors (incest, rape) do become more sexually active.

Sexual intimacy
Survivors of sexual assault may experience problems with, or uneasiness about, sexual intimacy right after the assault or even years after. Two common adjustments that can be seen after a sexual assault are:

Promiscuity
If sexuality has been devalued in the eyes of the survivor, or if the survivor tried to say "no" verbally or otherwise, and it did not matter, they may have learned not to say "no" in future sexual situations, and therefore, she may have an increased number of sexual partners in the period of time following the assault. In addition, the survivor may use future sexual experiences to regain a sense of control in her sex life.

Isolation
The survivor may withdraw from having any sexual relationships, and any opportunities toward establishing relationships. She may feel too frightened at the thought of an assault happening again. She may isolate herself from social activities for fear of making a wrong decision. Survivors may feel that they can no longer trust their own judgments.



Regrettably, I have first hand experience with this issue. After being raped I had a number of one night stands. For the first time in my life I was going to be in control of sex. My father took so much from me, the rape took (at the time) everything else. I HAD to be in control of the next time anyone was going to touch my body. I was very reckless and did not practise safe sex, I am incredibly lucky I didn't get pregnant or contract an STD. Once I realized how much pain and damage I was causing myself, I put an end to my behaviour and got tested for every possible STD, including HIV. It was a very rough period of my life to say the least, waiting for the test results and then having to wait another six months to be tested again for HIV was very anxiety inducing. I understand why I behaved the way I did, I needed to control my next sexual encounter before someone else could hurt me, in turn I was hurting myself. The key part was understanding my actions/behaviour and being able to forgive myself, which I have done. In some way, I think this behaviour helped heal my sexuality.

I hope I answered your question and gave you some perspective around being more sexually active after abuse.

"Do rape victims desire their abuser?" - unfortunately, I don't have an answer to this question. I'm hesitant in even trying to answer or even give my personal take on it to avoid causing an ill effects. If anyone else has any experience this area, please feel free to comment!

If you're comfortable doing so, could you please elaborate?

Please feel free to ask any further questions, I'll try my best to answer them or point you in a direction to get answers. I'll try to help you (or anyone else) the best I can.

Take good care of you and thanks for reading, I hope you found some pieces helpful.

Denial or Avoidance?

So I've been avoiding my blog since I posted last... I keep going back and forth between being ready to talk about it and wanting it to just go away.

I know it won't ever just go away, I've wasted years trying to will all this bullshit away to no avail and I really don't want to keep wasting my time, or anyone else's for that matter.

I have this pattern, and I'm very aware of the pattern or habit or whatever the fuck you want to call it... maybe more like a circle since that what I feel like, going around in circles!

I can talk about "stuff" one day, the next day, not a chance. Trying to get anything out of me is like pulling teeth from an alligator with your bare hands - point being, it's next to impossible! And unfortunately, it's more often teeth days than it is anything else. It drives me crazy, it really really frustrates me. It's there, everything I want to say is on the tip of my tongue but it's like there's some force clamping it down and nothing can get out except for "I dunno" or "yeah" I even do it with myself when something comes up like a nightmare or flashback...

Is that denial or avoidance?

Or a lovely combination of both with a super-size coke on the side?

Sexual Feelings During Sexual Abuse

I'm posting this because (I'm very ashamed to admit this) it is something I struggle with. This is an incredibly difficult subject. I find it rather embarrassing to even post this article. I've been thinking a lot about this since my session with my counsellor yesterday... I think it's time I start to deal with this area as I believe it to be one of the major causes of my shame and disgust with myself. The more I avoid this topic, the more taboo I make it for myself and the more difficult my healing will be. So, over the next little while this is going to be my focus. I was going to keep this private and journal on my own, but I want to share this with other survivors who may be feeling similiars things or have had similiar experiences and also feel very ashamed and embarrassed....



Sexual Feelings During Sexual Abuse
by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist, 2004


Many sexual abuse survivors have trouble dealing with the fact that their body was sexually stimulated and felt aroused during the abuse. They may feel guilty and ashamed that they responded to the stimulation, and confused about why they did.

Feeling aroused during abuse is not an issue for every survivor. Some survivors never felt any kind of sexual arousal during the abuse. Others felt some sexual arousal, but readily accept that it didn't mean anything more than an automatic reflex response to touch. Still others experienced some pleasurable feelings in their bodies during the abuse, but because those feelings were overshadowed by the pain of the abuse, it isn't an issue for them either.

However, there are many survivors who are deeply affected by their bodies' natural responses. Some agonize over how their bodies responded to the stimulation; they experienced the sexual arousal as a humiliation, and believe it reflects negatively on them that their body responded at all. They perceive their body's response as a betrayal, with the abuser "winning," and they hate their bodies for it. This is compounded by the fact some abusers deliberately try to force a victim to have an orgasm so that the survivor will mistakenly believe that they wanted or enjoyed the abuse.

Other survivors enjoyed some of the bodily sensations that came from the stimulation, but feel guilty, ashamed, and/or secretive about that fact because they believe - or fear - that it means there is something wrong with them because they're "not supposed" to feel that way in the context of abuse. These survivors often keep their experience a secret for fear that no one will understand how they could have liked some parts of it.

Some gay survivors remark that it was only during sexual abuse that they became aware of the possibility of same-sex sexual activity, and while they know that what they experienced was abuse, they learned something about their sexuality, and may have liked some of the stimulation. It is very concerning that some gay youth only learn about same-sex sex in the context of abuse!

In all cases, if a survivor found some of the stimulation during the abuse pleasurable, it does not mean that it was not abuse, that they weren't hurt by it, that it wasn't serious, or that it had less impact. Abuse is abuse, regardless of how the victim's body responded. Further, for boys, achieving an erection does not necessarily mean that they are aroused; boys can have erections when they are afraid.


Why is this issue rarely addressed?

The impact of having been sexually stimulated or aroused during abuse is rarely addressed, and when it is it is given minimal attention. One reason why this is such a neglected subject is that we live in a culture that is uncomfortable with the thought that children can have sexual feelings at all, let alone during abuse. Many people like to think that children are asexual, and believe that those who suggest otherwise are sexual perverts. To further suggest that children who are sexually abused might experience some sexual arousal is to risk being viewed as promoting sexual abuse, or at very least minimizing it. But how are we to help survivors deal with this issue unless we are prepared to talk about it while not minimizing the abuse?

Just as it is shocking for many people to think that sexual abuse could lead a child to feel aroused or to feel pleasure in their body, it is equally, or perhaps more shocking, to survivors themselves to acknowledge this. Many survivors suffer about this issue in silence, wondering if their body's feelings and reactions meant that they liked, wanted, caused, or encouraged the abuse, or worse, made them as bad as the abuser.

I understand not wanting to talk about this issue for fear that it will fuel the argument that "sexual abuse isn't so bad because some kids like it" - a false argument which is used to minimize the impact of abuse. But by acknowledging that some children feel aroused reduces the emotional charge, or stigma, associated with it, and helps survivors to heal.

Feeling sexual arousal in the context of abuse does not mean that the abuse was okay, nor that the abuse did not negatively effect the victim. A parallel argument can be made that if the love of your life suddenly dies, and you receive tens of thousands of dollars from life insurance, money that you desperately need, this doesn't mean that you like the fact that your partner died or that you're not suffering from that loss. Liking that you have money to support you, or needing that money, does not change the basic fact of what happened, or how devastated you feel at the loss of your lover.


Children are sexual beings

Given that children are sexual beings and can be sexual stimulated during abuse, it's understandable that some children enjoyed the feelings of arousal in their bodies. They did not enjoy the abuse; they enjoyed their body's natural reactions and sensations, and perhaps some aspects of how the perpetrator treated them. If the abuser gave them attention or was kind to them, that may have felt enjoyable too. It's also understandable if that child, later as an adult, feels upset if someone tells them that they couldn't have enjoyed any part of it because it was abuse. How does the adult survivor reconcile the reality that her/his body did feel sexual when they "weren't supposed" to? They feeling guilty and ashamed. On the other hand, it's also understandable if that adult survivor feels upset about her/his body having felt aroused since it occurred in the context of abuse.


How to deal with this issue

If you are a survivor and your body responded to the sexual stimulation during the abuse, it's important to find positive ways to reconcile that reality within yourself without concluding that you are "sick" or "bad," or that your body is. The first step is to acknowledge to yourself how your body felt, and later to a supportive and understanding person. Try to do this without judgement, but if you can't, simply telling yourself and someone else (who is non-judgemental) how you felt will help reduce some of the guilt, shame, isolation, and secrecy.

If you feel judgemental about yourself, remember that feelings are simply feelings, nothing more. They are not facts or statements; they do not say anything about you or anyone else, other than you are a fully feeling human being. It's normal to experience a range of feelings during abuse, and one of those feelings may be sexual. It might help to remember the other feelings you felt during or after the abuse, because you did not simply feel sexual feelings, but you also probably felt betrayal, sadness, fear, confusion, and hurt, even if you didn't realize that until you were much older.

There are different ways of thinking about this issue, and survivors have come up with different ways of dealing with it. Some survivors conclude that the arousal they experienced was a physiological reaction that had nothing to do with the perpetrator, and everything to do with their own body's natural responses. That is true. Others conclude that while there was some element of arousal that arose from the physical stimulation, the relationship with the perpetrator was important, and contributed to how they felt - for instance, they liked/loved the perpetrator, had a friendly relationship with her/him, felt taken care of during the abuse, and this led to feeling pleasure. They let go of their guilt or confusion by acknowledging that they felt a draw to the relationship out of their emotional needs, vulnerability, and/or neglect, and by recognizing that it was okay that they felt and responded that way.

Some survivors take the position that regardless of how they learned what they learned about their body and their sexuality (what they enjoy sexually, how to have an orgasm, that they are attracted to the same sex, etc.), they like what they know about their body and intend to enjoy it without guilt, because this knowledge is about them and their body, not the perpetrator. Even if they learned some of those things from what the perpetrator did, that doesn't mean that the perpetrator "owns" those things. They are the only ones who can own their body's responses and sexuality.

Some survivors find that they are able to accept their feelings of physical arousal, without judgement when they feel compassion for themselves, and other survivors include feeling compassion for their abusers. Their compassion helps them to let go of judgement, and to see themselves as the innocent children they were.

Some survivors find that feeling shame about having sexual feelings prevents them from fully processing their memories. As soon as they remember and feel sexual feelings, they distance themselves from the memory and can't go any further with it. They're stuck there, unable to release their emotions or fully process the memory. When they released some shame and could think about the whole incident(s) by writing the memory out or telling someone their story, they were able to step back and see the situation with a new perspective and understanding. That process helped them to accept what happened and feel at peace with themselves.

How you feel about having sexual feelings during the abuse (as well as when you remember the abuse and/or read about sexual abuse) has a direct impact on how you view the abuse and yourself, and what you think about the abuse affects how you feel, which is why it's important to work on releasing feelings and critiquing what you think. Some survivors need to think a lot about it first, and others need to feel their feelings first. If you're stuck in one mode, try the other mode. For example if you're stuck in the thinking mode, let yourself feel what you felt - then and now - without judgement. Your feelings will pass, in time, and that alone will help you to think about yourself with more objectivity and less judgement.


The abuser is responsible for the abuse, regardless of how you felt

No matter how you felt during the abuse or feel now, you are not responsible for the abuse. Even if you felt some pleasure or enjoyment; or you wanted some aspects to continue; or you were sexually attracted to the abuser; or you sought the abuser out, the abuser is always responsible for the abuse and not the child. Think about it this way: if a child sought you out for sexual stimulation, would you do it?

You are not to blame for what the abuser did, and you and your body are completely separate from the abuser. Even if it doesn't feel that way, it's still true. It doesn't matter what your body did or didn't do; you and your body were simply coping as best you could given the circumstances (which might have included a larger context of neglect and/or other forms of abuse and dysfunction too).

It helps to heal by acknowledging how you truly felt and how your body responded, to think about positive ways of interpreting those responses, to not judge yourself, to place the responsibility for the abuse on the abuser, and to view your body separately from the abuse and the abuse. Other things you can do to feel more comfortable with your body and sex include: being gentle with your body; holding and massaging emotionally charged areas with your hand and having a partner hold and massage the area as well (this will help the area to let go of some of the emotional charge - the feelings associated with the abuse); gently stroking any area of your body that defends, tightens, numbs, or otherwise reacts to sexual touch; taking sex slowly and stopping when you need to; breathing; laughing; and having fun with sex, touch, and holding. You are meant to - and can - enjoy your body and all of its beautiful sensations during sex.


It's possible to heal

Experiencing sexual feelings during abuse is not something anyone should have to feel guilty about. Children feel what they feel during abuse, including sexual feelings, and there is nothing wrong with that. For some survivors the fact that they felt sexually aroused in an abuse context is embarrassing or shameful to admit but the more survivors - in fact, all of us - talk about this issue, the easier and less shameful it becomes. When we talk openly about something, we take away its power or emotional charge. Survivors reduce the emotional charge, connected to this issue, by talking/writing/drawing about it; not listening to anyone who tells them how they "should" feel; acknowledging and accepting how they felt and feel; recognizing that none of their feelings make them crazy or bad, or like the abuser; and by fostering compassion and understanding for themselves and their body. It's possible to feel better about this issue - one tiny step at a time.



Kali Munro, © 2004
Edited by Cheryl Rainfield
All rights reserved.

If you would like to reprint this article on your website, you may, providing you print it in its entirety, credit me, and give a link to my site - www.KaliMunro.com -

Effects of Rape

I found this article and it's very educational and serves as an excellent reminder of the healing process.

The Effects of Rape


No two survivors of sexual assault react in exactly the same way, or feel the same emotions at the same time, or heal in exactly the same way. Every survivor deals with the assault in a way that addresses her particular situation. While every survivor should feel encouraged to seek a healing path that works for her or him, there are some commonalities among most, if not all, sexual assault survivors. Remember, these are not “rules” for a “normal” reaction to sexual assault, but rather some of the many emotions and experiences you may have as a survivor. It is important to know that you are not alone in your pain or experience.



Common Reactions to Sexual Assault


Emotional Shock. Initially, many survivors are in a state of shock in which they feel numb to the situation and may question their lack of emotions. Shock is the result of natural defense mechanisms in the brain that seek to protect us from severe stress and emotional overload. “Why am I so calm?” “Why can’t I cry?”



Disbelief. After a severe trauma like sexual assault occurs, it may be difficult to believe that it really happened. This is not a sign of “mental problems” but rather a common reaction to traumas of all kinds. “Did it really happen?” “Why me?”



Fear. Some survivors are fearful because of threats made by the rapist during or after the assault. Fear of society’s reaction if the rape is reported is also a fear of survivors. Given that survivors often seem to be blamed for the assault, it is not surprising that they would be fearful of social reprisals or accusations. Many fear that they won’t be believed by friends or family. Others may feel a generalized fear of all men or certain situations, because of the trauma endured during the assault. “I’m afraid of so many things—will I get pregnant, contract an STD . . . will I ever be able to be intimate again?”



Embarrassment. Talking about the rape or describing the physical details to strangers (police, medical staff, advocates, courts, etc.) can be very difficult and may produce a feeling of embarrassment for some survivors. Because sex and bodies are thought of to be private and somewhat shameful, it can be emotionally painful to recount the assault or even to inform friends and family. “What will people think?” “How can I tell a room full of strangers what happened?”



Guilt. Many times survivors internalize the myth that rape is somehow the victim’s fault. They may feel they could have prevented it if only they had fought harder or done something differently. If you knew your attacker, you may feel that you should have known he wasn’t as he appeared, or you may think you somehow provoked the rape. However, if you’d been with him on previous occasions there is no reason to suspect an assault will occur. It is vital to remember that you are not the cause of the assault, and that making it through a sexual assault with your life is nothing to feel guilty about. “I must have done something wrong. If only I . . .”



REMEMBER: YOU DID NOT “LET” THE ASSAULT HAPPEN. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! YOU SURVIVED-- WHICH MEANS YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.



Shame. This is another common reaction to rape for much the same reasons as embarrassment—people mistakenly are taught to believe that they did something wrong and caused the rape, or that the rape has made them “bad” and suspect. “I feel so ashamed and dirty . . . I want to take showers constantly.”



Depression. Some amount of depression can be expected after any major trauma or emotionally charged event. Dealing with the memory of the assault as well as the things that follow (the police, the courts, the medical exams, etc.) can be extremely draining physically and mentally. “How am I going to go on?” “I feel so tired and hopeless.”



Anger. Many survivors experience intense feelings of rage at their attacker, friends, family, or life in general. They may be angry at the treatment they received after the rape, or because they feel powerless. While anger can be a difficult emotion to deal with , anger directed at the perpetrator can play an important role in the healing process. “I just want to kill him!” “How dare the police, courts, doctors, etc. treat me like that!”



All of the feelings above are valid and are a normal reaction to an abnormal and traumatic event. No one can tell you how long you will feel these feelings or when you should start to heal. However, if you are consumed by these feelings for a prolonged period and are suffering excessive fear, excessive anxiety, frustration, sleeplessness, an inability to concentrate, an inability to be around others, difficulty completing tasks, a loss of interest in things you used to enjoy, etc., you should seek professional help. A counselor or therapist can be very helpful for all people trying to cope with and process a traumatic event and therapy is essential for anyone having difficulty dealing with trauma.



REMEMBER: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ASKING FOR HELP. SEXUAL ASSAULT IS AN UNTHINKABLE ACT THAT IS VERY HARD TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH. YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT ALONE. PLEASE ASK FOR HELP AND ACCEPT HELP FROM PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU AND FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE PROFESSIONALS IN DEALING WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT.





Rape Trauma Syndrome


The cluster of symptoms which sexual assault victims describe has been defined as “rape trauma syndrome.” This syndrome has two stages, the immediate/acute phase and the long-term process. Rape trauma syndrome includes physical, emotional, and behavioral stress reactions that result from facing a life-threatening, violent, and/or traumatic event.



Stage One: The Acute Phase or Disorganization


The Immediate Impact Reaction. The two main styles of emotional response immediately following the assault are called expressed and controlled. In the expressed style emotions such as fear, anxiety, and anger are displayed whereas in the controlled style, emotional shock and numbness masks the feelings of the survivor.



Physical Reactions. Survivors experience a wide range of physical symptoms including: sleep pattern disturbances (such as insomnia and nightmares), eating pattern disturbances (usually a marked decrease in appetite and stomach pains), and symptoms specific to the parts of the body that were the focus of the attack. Survivors may also feel like sleeping all the time, eating all the time, etc. Physical symptoms vary according to each person. If you are doing things you never used to do, then it is probably related to the assault.



Emotional Reactions. During this time survivors are prone to mood swings due to the intensity and wide range of emotions they feel. These include humiliation, degradation, fear, embarrassment, anger, revenge, and shame. A survivor may go over the assault again and again in her thoughts trying to make sense of what happened, or she may try to block it out altogether. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO FEEL ALL OF THESE FEELINGS! THAT IS ESSENTIAL TO THE HEALING PROCESS.






Stage Two: The Long-term Process of Reorganization


Changes in Lifestyle. A sexual assault disturbs the survivor’s normal routine of living and many aspects of one’s life. There is often a strong need to get away; many survivors change residences after the assault, although some may only change their telephone number. Your priority should be to feel safe. Do whatever you need to do to get back those feelings of security and safety. Get a guard dog, install extra outside lights, leave interior lights on, get an alarm system, have someone escort you to your car whenever you want, invite friends or family members to sleep over, buy self-defense products like mace, hand held alarms, etc. It is not silly to want to protect yourself. Do what makes you feel comfortable and safe.



Dreams and Nightmares. These symptoms occur both during the acute phase and the long-term process. Two types of nightmares are reported most frequently: dreams of being in a similar situation to the rape and unable to get away and later on dreams in which the survivor is able to assert control. These latter dreams may consist of the survivor doing violence to other people. As unpleasant as nightmares are, they are a primary way in which our minds process events that have happened. Even if you try to shut out the event, your mind will not let you. Just remember the nightmares will gradually fade and eventually cease. As you heal emotionally and physically the nightmares will lessen, and the stronger you feel, the less frightening your nightmares will seem. Don’t be afraid to talk about your nightmares with your therapist of friends and family. Talking about them will make them less powerful and scary.



Phobias. Fears and phobias are common psychological defenses. Some survivors may develop a fear of crowds, of being alone, of having sex, or they may feel a general paranoia.



REMEMBER: IF THESE FEARS BEGIN TO CONTROL YOUR LIFE YOU NEED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.









Information adapted from “You are Not Alone” compiled by Women’s Resource Center staff.

Taking a moment

This past weekend was incredible. Breathtaking... amazing... beautiful.

Exactly what I needed.

My boyfriend had never been to the mountains before this past weekend!! It was just awesome watching him experience the magnificent beauty and rugged landscape.

I love getting away from the city and spending time hiking and just enjoying nature. It's my natural high you could say!!

I've fallen in love... Mica Mountain Lodge It is so incredibly beautiful and peaceful there. I can't wait to go back and spend a few days relaxing and reflecting. I would love to go back and walk and think and process and heal. Amazing place to have something like a healing retreat...

It's amazing how I cross the border into B.C. and it just feels like home. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe a little easier. Freer. I can laugh a deep meaningful laugh. A real laugh. I can stand and gaze at the mountains, at the trees, at the rivers, listen to the birds, watch animals grazing and just get lost in serenity.

I can relax.

I had a nightmare Saturday night. It was the first time my boyfriend got to experience one of my nightmares.

It scared him.

I was kicking wildly in my sleep. I don't even remember it. I don't remember dreaming and I certainly don't remember kicking like a mad woman! I'm shocked that I didn't wake up as normally I wake in a cold sweat absolutely terrified. I guess at the same time it's a good thing I don't remember it because if it was scary enough to cause me to kick violently in my sleep I don't even want to know! I can safely guess it was related to my father as the hair brush has been weighing heavily on my mind.

All in all, I'm back in my safe place... not completely numb but not completely overwhelmed either...

Going... going... gone

I'm outta here tomorrow morning... can't wait to get the hell away from this house for a few days. Get away from memories, triggers... the fucking hairbrush.

This will do me a world of good, at least I hope it does.

I KNOW it will.

It has to...

::insert scream of frustation::

Now I'm getting pissed off.

I am sooooo sick of feeling shitty.

I am so sick of being on the verge of tears.

I am so sick of having to put on a happy face while at work.

I am so sick of hurting.

I am so sick of memories.

I am so sick of nightmares.

I am so sick of every damn fucking thing in my life.

I'm pondering the question...

What the FUCK is the point?

On the bottom

I'm standing at the bottom, looking up and the light has almost vanished.

This is my tunnel.

The walls are completely smooth from the pounding pressure of my despair making it almost impossible to climb my way to the top. I've tried and I'm still trying, my metaphorical fingers bloody from each failed attempt.

The bottom of the tunnel has been steadily sinking making the ascent that much more futile.



"and in a weird, twisted way, i guess just feeling numb to everything we have survived thus far in our young and innocent lives is probably the most draining and taxing feeling of all... it is the one feeling that has to work soooo fucking hard to keep all of the other feelings shoved way deep down. "
ML - how right you are! It takes every last bit of energy to keep myself safely numb. It's exhausting really. But on the other side of the coin, it's SAFE! Feeling safe is so elusive... Just pisses me off I can't have my cake and eat it too.

After everything we've been through, everything we've supposedly survived it's bullshit that healing is the hardest. Having my fathers dick in my mouth at 8 years old is not as painful or traumatizing as reliving it is now. I knew it was wrong, it hurt, it scared me and I didn't like it BUT I didn't understand what he was doing or even had an inkling of what I losing as a child.

He was my father, didn't all fathers do this to their daughters?

I was a sad, angry confused little girl.

I was a depressed teenager who was an acoholic and drug addict.

I'm an adult who knows the dangers of alcohol and drugs and self harm who can't help but abuse them because I'm trying not to relive it all. Trying to erase ever being daddy's little girl...

I can also see every single thing that is wrong with what I just said. I KNOW what not to do, how NOT to cope... yet... all my energy is being expended.

I've let it all go this past week. Since Thursday I have been beaten down and all of these thoughts and feelings are running rampant fatiguing me more than being numb.

I'm getting lonely on the bottom...

:

The BBQ wasn't as bad as I was expecting. This is where my philosophy comes into play: expect the worst and nothing can dissapoint you! It works...sometimes.

My boyfriend ended up showing up and driving me out there, he promised we'd leave if I wanted to. He also apologized for being an ass and said he doesn't really understand what I go through and hates to see me upset. I thanked him for twisting my arm and dragging me to the BBQ, it lifted my spirit for a little while.

I didn't sleep again last night and I'm absolutely exhausted this morning. My eyes are burning and I can't tell if it's because I'm holding back the tears or if I'm just that tired.

I think it's both.

Isn't it lovely?

So now I'm fighting with my boyfriend. It's our first fight, argument, whatever.

I don't have the patience for this.

He's pissed at me for not showing up last night. In my defense, I told him I'd call him if I was going, I didn't call him so therefore, I wasn't going. Simple!

Now he's twice as mad because I said I wasn't sure if I was going to the BBQ tonight. I told him I'm in a "mood." He said "what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I sighed and told him that I didn't really want to be around people right now. His reply "what, I'm just people? I guess I don't count for anything do I?" I didn't say anything for a few minutes and we sat in silence on the phone. I finally said "Fine, I'll go. But I'm taking my own car and if I want to leave I'm leaving."

So, guess I'm going to the BBQ, at least to show face for an hour or two and then take off and go back to bed where I've been since I got off work on Friday.

I really don't want to go. But I guess we do things we don't want to do sometimes to make the people in our lives happy.

Maybe it will be good for me right now to be around people instead of isolating myself and wallowing in self pity.

I don't know.

I don't know much of anything anymore...

If Only...

I'm sitting here in the dark, smoking cigarette after cigarette. Holding the smoke, looking at it and wanting to press it against my skin, wanting to feel that momentary sharpness of pain and then relief as the numbness washes over me.

Relief. Beautiful relief.

Real. Tangible. Pain.

Oh how I want to...

It's almost a need.

I'm avoiding everyone. I'm not answering my phone or my cell. I'm supposed to be at my boyfriends place for a party tonight, I'm not going. I'm supposed to go to a BBQ tomorrow night, I'm not going.

I don't even want to be with me right now, let alone around anyone else.

My heart hurts.

Lonely.
Hurt.
Depressed.
Anxious.
Sad.

Those are the only words I can think of to describe what I'm feeling.

I've written a lot today, but it hasn't really helped. I still have this nagging feeling of wanting to talk. Wanting to get out what I call my poison.

I've hit the bottom. Really hit the bottom this time.

I want out of this body, out this mind, out of these memories.

I want to be reborn.

I want to wash away these years and start fresh.

I want to experience innocence.

I want to experience seeing a rainbow for the first time.

Seeing the sunrise.

Listening to the birds chirping.

Experience it all without pain and memories.

New.

I'm so sad I can't even describe it. The pain inside is ripping me apart. The sadness is crushing me.

Killing my spirit.

I can see the shattered broken shell of me. I can see the dead girl on the inside. I'm running scared and I'm about to the hit the wall. I'm about to shatter into a million pieces but I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to put on the brakes and throw myself into reverse. I'm desperately grasping for something tangible to hold on to, but it's just beyond my reach.

Everything is just inches beyond my reach.

I want to run, as fast as I can, as blindly as I can. I never want to stop. If I can keep running maybe I can keep everything from catching up to me. Maybe it will all be lost in the wind.

I really want to hurt myself right now.

I won't.

I can't.

I have enough emotional scars, I don't need more physical ones to match.

I'm already maimed.

I can't even close my eyes without seeing my father. I can see him clear as day standing over my bed. I can see him hurting me in ways I can't bare to tell.

I feel like I'm going to be sick. Like I'm going to violently vomit.

If only I could puke up all these memories and flush them away.

If only I could take all this pain and throw it out the window.

If only I could cry.

If only I could bring myself to reach and email my counsellor.

If only I could swim instead of sink...

An Anonymous Comment

Anonymous said...
I have read you blog for the first time today, and after reading today's entry I went back and had a look at your past posts, most of them.
I am an incest survivor too and I have been in and out of counselling for years now.
I think that what you say you have accomplished in the last year is very good. Don´t shrug your shoulders.
Getting out of a bad, abusive relationship is a huge and difficult step.
Gaining control over self harming habits and drug use is also very hard. I still go into phases with the drug use.
Not being so closed off, and being more honest, I think it does say a lot about facing trust and self esteem issues, which for me are the hardest.
Naming your feelings and being able to cry. Well, it seems to me that you have spent a lot of time not ever considering that your feelings do matter. It might not seem like a lot, but I would say it is quite important.

A year is not that long, the "unhealthy" ways of coping have been with you for a lot longer.
I guess one just have to keep at it. Is not easy, is not always clear were you are going, but I guess you already know were not doing it leads you.

I did also have a problem to talk with my counsellor about certain things. After some time I just told her that, that there were things that i was kind of keeping even though i would like to talk about them.
Some time after that I started talking about it. it wasn´t immediate, and it was more like just dropping things here and there, but it was a start.


I don´t know if any of this is of any interest or use to you. I hope so.

2:30 PM

Anon,
Thank you taking the time to read my blog and commenting. Your words have given me a lot to think about and I thank you for that.

You are absolutely correct in saying that I have spent a lot of time not ever considering that my feelings matter. In many ways, they still don't matter.

I'm going to post your comment because right now it's playing on my mind heavily. I'm still processing what you said, but I find your words inspiring and filled with hope.

Thanks!

Long way to happy::::

I don't know what is going on with me.

I'm going to admit something I probably shouldn't...

I feel like giving up on life.

And to clarify, I'm NOT going to kill myself...

I just don't feel like even trying anymore. Trying to heal. Trying to care about me. Trying to LIKE me. Trying to have dreams and aspirations.

I keep telling myself it's all fine and dandy, but IT'S NOT FINE AND DANDY! It's a far cry from it.

Maybe I need a higher dose of happy pills! The magical cure... here take a pill, you'll feel better!

Feelings - they just are... can't control them, they just are. I CAN control how I choose to handle them though...maybe? I don't know about that. I mean how does someone who sees everything about herself as tainted, as a failure, who has depression CHOOSE a positive way to deal with sadness? Despair? Self loathing and hatred? I don't understand that...

My choice is just to plunge everything down and ignore it so I can function... that's not healthy. I'm barely holding on. The weight of this is crushing, I'm sinking fast...

The funny part is, I FEEL like giving up. A part of me even wants to give up... a LARGE part of me. Yet... somewhere.. there's a nagging pull, a voice telling me not to give up, telling me to SPEAK!

I am speaking - I'm writing. I WANT to say all of this out loud... right now anyway, give me an hour, that could change!

My mood swings are insane. I can go from being happy and all giggles to wanting to cry, to being incredibly angry, to completely numb... all in the course of a day. I never know from one minute to the next what to expect, and neither does anyone else around me. What keeps my mood steady is pot, POT of all things. The ONE thing I gave up completely is the ONE thing that was keeping me sane. It's not the answer though...

I Have Seen the Rain - Pink and James T Moore
I have seen the rain
I have felt the pain
I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
I don't know where I'm going
I don't even know where I've been

Weight of it all

I've been thinking about this a lot for the past few weeks and I'm no further ahead then what I was.

A part of me wants to give up healing, to walk away entirely and forget about it. I really didn't know what I was getting into when I decided to give counselling a shot. I thought it would be a couple of easy fixes and away I go for another twenty some odd years until I needed more help. I tried to prepare myself, but I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't expecting things to get worse, for the flashbacks to increase ten fold, for memories to become more vivid, to have more fears surface, to feel weaker and more needier than I ever have. To feel like everyone can see RAPE and ABUSED scrolling across my face in a flashing neon sign.

I've been in counselling for a few days shy of a year and the closer that one year mark looms, the more I feel like a failure. It should be the exact opposite really... I've accomplished a lot in one year.

I asked for a divorce from my husband.
I'm not as closed off as I used to be - more open and honest...
I can name a few feelings.
I've cried 3 times, which is more than I can remember doing in 20 years.
I've had moderate success with preventing self harm.
I've had moderate success with drug abuse.

I can list those, look at them and shrug my shoulders. BIG FUCKING DEAL! I can say that I'm sad or angry or depressed. I told an asshole to fuck off and get out of my life. I haven't cut or burned myself in like a month. I haven't smoked a joint in over a month.


I'm just REALLY FUCKING ANGRY. I guess it has finally hit me just HOW MUCH all of these things have affected me. How utterly fucked up I am.

If a man brushes up against me, even an innocent touch, I freeze. It scares the fuck out of me. I can't look most men in the eye, I don't trust them, and the little trust some of them do have it will take next to nothing to break it. I can't walk alone after dark without being so scared the tiniest noises makes me jump. I can't stand being home alone because I'm afraid HE will show up since he's back in the city. Even kissing my boyfriend freaks me out SO FUCKING MUCH sometimes that my skin crawls and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I won't even talk about what effects sex has...

And STILL, after almost a fucking YEAR I STILL can't really talk about this stuff with my counsellor which just makes me even more frustrated and ready to give up. If I can't talk to my counsellor, can't even THINK of bringing this shit up with friends, even my best friends, then what's the point? Is there even a point? Even with a few friends who I KNOW genuinely care and want to help I lie to them. They ask how I'm doing, I always say I'm good or OK and change the subject. I can't admit to anyone how I'm really feeling, or what I really want to do... I can't even admit it to myself most of the time...

I want to scream and rant and rave and throw things and cut myself and drink and smoke copious amounts of pot or hash...

I want to be able to allow myself to be angry, to grieve, to curl up and hide, to make it OK to feel everything that I'm feeling, to allow myself to cry, to stop holding all of this in, to be able to talk about it, to feel proud of what I've accomplished instead of seeing everything as negative...

I don't know what I want... a new me maybe?

For a change...

I've been enjoying life...

The snow is melting... pretty much all gone!

The trees are beginning to bud... can't wait for my Lilac bush/trees to bloom!

It's that time of year where I can't help but be in a good mood!

I love spring and what it brings... warm weather, fun and excitement, growth - new and old...

I can hardly wait to spend countless hours in my garden; planting flowers, weeding, watering, and of course admiring! I love tinkering in the dirt and getting covered in mud... it's an incredible stress reliever and a very grounding feeling squishing mud between your fingers!

Spring brings thunderstorms! I LOVE thunder and lightening. The louder the better... the house rattling crack and sheet lightening kind. I find it very relaxing and peaceful to sit on the patio swing in my backyard and watch the storms with a glass of wine.

Spring brings kite flying weather! I discovered the youthfulness and pure enjoyment of flying a kite last summer on the advice of a friend. He makes his own kites and one day told me to go fly a kite... So I did! I had so much fun running around in the park, limbs flailing here and there. I probably looked like a lunatic but I didn't care, I felt free! I had a few kite mishaps with my dogs last summer - I didn't know Sandy could jump six feet in the air from a standing position and successful destroy the poor kite.

Spring brings geocaching! An absolute modern day treasure hunt! Very exciting to track a location with a GPS unit and actually find what you're looking for.

Spring brings camping and mountain adventures! I love camping, hiking, fishing (I WILL NOT touch the fish) canoeing, and just lazing in the sun next to a lake or river soaking up the rays!

My first spring adventure is in two weeks. Easter weekend! My boyfriend and I are going to a spot near Valemount B.C. for the weekend. I can't wait to get out of the city and relax in a log cabin, do some hiking and maybe some fishing. Exactly what I need to renew my energy and the resolve to keep going...

Spring is here!