Wednesday, May 10, 2006

NOT my fault..

This has always been a really hard area for me, I imagine for a lot of survivors.

My counsellor and I had a breakthrough of sorts of today. Through a very difficult homework assignment we worked at the abuse not being my fault.

I've always blamed myself. Always told myself I deserved it. I was a terrible kid. I asked for it. IT WAS MY FAULT.

We discovered why I did/do this - it was a barrier to the deeper pain, grief, loss, anger. It allowed me to be in control, to give meaning to the abuse.

We are closer now than ever before with me saying IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

It's not.

And I'm terrified.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm anxious.

Terrified. I'm shaking as I type this.

I don't know what to do. I'm so scared I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be lost. If I'm sad or in pain tomorrow, I can't do my normal of beating myself up emotionally if it's not my fault. I can't direct the anger at me.

I might actually have to feel all of the feelings I'm scared to feel.

I don't know how to handle those feelings - one of the reasons of blaming myself - so I don't have to.

I want to cry.

I can't.

It's not my fault.

I'm scared...


jumpinginpuddles said...

you are so right survivor, it is one of the hardest hurdles to ovecome, our minds play such a part in that, in trying to work out the reason why something like this occurs we come to one of two conclusions.
1. We were so bad so horrible they had to do it
2. we must have done something to egg them on.

Its hard to look at what happened and say we didnt do anything because inbuilt within all the torture sits, its all your fault, you made me, you wanted it, i needed to teach you a lesson. Its damn hard to reverse that when its been taught so young. Well done for taking to steps to try and relearn different processes, that takes true grit and courage.
Remember these things dont always happen overnight and if you start feeling lousy again over this know that its ok also, at least each step is a step.


Breeya said...

Dear Survivor,

I think you are right this is a very difficult part to confront.
I guess we have get used to just accept that it happen because of us, something about how we are or something we did caused it. And in a twisted way I still think that I find that thought less scary. I guess that as you said it gives some control.
First time I realised how much I blamed myself was reading a book about abuse. There were many examples and stsmetes of pwople who had been abuse. I read all this feeling so terrible for them, and may of them at some point said they wonder what they have done to deserve that, because they were sure they have done something. I felt terrible for them, for what have been done to them. I mind there was no doubt that they hadn´t done anything to deserved it, that they had just been wrong by someone else.
Yet for myself I felt different, and in my case, I knew i deserved it.
The author also explained how most survivors react that way, they will see very clearly in another person that they were not responsible i any way for what was done to them, but they applied different criteria to themselves.

It was quite a shock, and I felt lost, scared and confused.

I think to the day I am still not sure in my heart that there is not something wrong with me, that it was not my fault in any way.

I think that maybe it was easier to think that way, because then, if I were "good" nothing bad would happen to me. But if it had nothing to do with me... then there was no posibility if safety, ever.

I don´t know how long it takes to complete undesrtand it wasnñt one´s fault and cope in a different way, i am not is not over for me yet.
But the most difficult thing is the begginig, when you firts start realising about it. I felt like the ground was taken from underneath my feet.
But we are stronger than we think.
I am sure you´ll find a way to handle those feelings and turn things around. You´ve done before.
It is hard long journey, but there is a lot of us on board.

Take care.

PS, thanks for posting the info you did. It was helpful.

Thanks for posting the information you did, I found very useful.

Donna said...

It's not my fault - four little words - but how powerful they are! Sometimes, even now, years out of therapy, they mean nothing, and sometimes they empower me. It is a never-ending process, this healing, and being inside of the pain and really feeling it is terrifying. You ARE strong enough to feel the feelings, they will come and you will process them as much or as little as you need to.

Donna said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jewish Survivors Of Sexual Violence said...

Happy Mother's Day!

Marj aka Thriver said...

Oh I know, those feelings can be so overwhelming. It's weird, now that I don't dissociate nearly as much as I used to and I'm more present and in my body, I actually feel more overwhelmed a lot of the time. Man, I remember how I used to be able to juggle so many balls in the air all at once! Now, I just force myself to admit that I often just can't handle too much at once and I've gotten better at telling people, "Can we talk about this (do this) later? I'm feeling overwhelmed." I have found grounding exercises helpful for the dissociation and the overwhelm. Take gentle care.

Holly said...

Hi Survivor,
Everyone has hurdles, to say it not our fault is sometimes a hurdle! It is one of the biggest weights taken off our backs when we do really know IT IS NOT OUR FAULT!! take care my friend

survivor said...

Thanks everyone.

I'm having a really hard with this, so I apologize I'm not writing to you each individually like I should.


Take care... and thank you all again.

Al Johnson said...

I have been struggling for 50 years with the idea that it wasn't my fault. My head tells me it wasn't. But there was always something I did that set Dad off into one of his rages which resulted in physical or verbal beatings. Some accident, something. It is easier for me to recognize that the abuse he gave Mom was not her fault. I just started therapy again after a break of a dozen years. I think my new therapist is quite competent. Maybe she can help me get my emotions to go along with what I dognitively know, that none of it was my fault.

If any of you reading this have ideas for breaking through that barrier I would gladly welcome them.

survivor said...

Hi Al,

Sorry that you're struggling.

Really glad to hear that you're back in therapy and your T is a good one.