This has always been a really hard area for me, I imagine for a lot of survivors.
My counsellor and I had a breakthrough of sorts of today. Through a very difficult homework assignment we worked at the abuse not being my fault.
I've always blamed myself. Always told myself I deserved it. I was a terrible kid. I asked for it. IT WAS MY FAULT.
We discovered why I did/do this - it was a barrier to the deeper pain, grief, loss, anger. It allowed me to be in control, to give meaning to the abuse.
We are closer now than ever before with me saying IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
And I'm terrified.
Terrified. I'm shaking as I type this.
I don't know what to do. I'm so scared I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be lost. If I'm sad or in pain tomorrow, I can't do my normal of beating myself up emotionally if it's not my fault. I can't direct the anger at me.
I might actually have to feel all of the feelings I'm scared to feel.
I don't know how to handle those feelings - one of the reasons of blaming myself - so I don't have to.
I want to cry.
It's not my fault.