Tuesday, April 11, 2006

On the bottom

I'm standing at the bottom, looking up and the light has almost vanished.

This is my tunnel.

The walls are completely smooth from the pounding pressure of my despair making it almost impossible to climb my way to the top. I've tried and I'm still trying, my metaphorical fingers bloody from each failed attempt.

The bottom of the tunnel has been steadily sinking making the ascent that much more futile.

"and in a weird, twisted way, i guess just feeling numb to everything we have survived thus far in our young and innocent lives is probably the most draining and taxing feeling of all... it is the one feeling that has to work soooo fucking hard to keep all of the other feelings shoved way deep down. "
ML - how right you are! It takes every last bit of energy to keep myself safely numb. It's exhausting really. But on the other side of the coin, it's SAFE! Feeling safe is so elusive... Just pisses me off I can't have my cake and eat it too.

After everything we've been through, everything we've supposedly survived it's bullshit that healing is the hardest. Having my fathers dick in my mouth at 8 years old is not as painful or traumatizing as reliving it is now. I knew it was wrong, it hurt, it scared me and I didn't like it BUT I didn't understand what he was doing or even had an inkling of what I losing as a child.

He was my father, didn't all fathers do this to their daughters?

I was a sad, angry confused little girl.

I was a depressed teenager who was an acoholic and drug addict.

I'm an adult who knows the dangers of alcohol and drugs and self harm who can't help but abuse them because I'm trying not to relive it all. Trying to erase ever being daddy's little girl...

I can also see every single thing that is wrong with what I just said. I KNOW what not to do, how NOT to cope... yet... all my energy is being expended.

I've let it all go this past week. Since Thursday I have been beaten down and all of these thoughts and feelings are running rampant fatiguing me more than being numb.

I'm getting lonely on the bottom...

1 comment:

Holly said...

Survivor you are never alone! only a phone call away! I did that also for years, one day you have to remember it is not worth it!
Do not let him win this way!
Take care, stop beating yourself up! Your friend Holly
The blog is looking very nice, I may have to borrow some links!