Thursday, July 20, 2006

Abandoned

I'm feeling abandoned. It hurts. I know it's for the better that C is not completely there for me, it's part of the transition. It's how it has to be. It still hurts. And I still feel abandoned.

It was my choice. My choice to switch to face to face therapy. It is a good choice. I know this. The sessions have already proved to be very helpful. It's really hard making the transition. I don't feel completely safe with T yet, and trust is still building.

I feel like I'm causing more problems for myself with the change.

I NEEDED to talk about what happened with my boyfriend, I needed to go over it, examine what happened and figure out how to avoid it in the future. For over a week now I've been pretending to be asleep so it doesn't repeat and I hate myself for that. I hate that I can't just tell him I don't want to, because I want to tell him, but I'm scared. I'm scared if I say not right now he'll leave. Of course I think that! It's all I've known.

Use me, abuse me, hurt me, leave me.

I'm angry at C for telling me that it's probably better discussed with new T. At the same time, I understand why C would say that. It's important that I stop relying and I guess needing to talk only to her, but at the same time I've been left with this, left alone to struggle with it. Maybe I'm misdirecting some anger. I know that if I had pressed the issue, we would have talked about it, I wouldn't be alone with it, at least not completely. I'm more angry with myself for just simply agreeing with C and dropping the issue. I guess it's a good way to learn how to communicate my needs and be aware of the consequences if I don't.

At the same time I can't help feeling abandoned. I had asked for a session with C this week, but C said we should leave it as is and schedule a session for August. I agreed yet again, even though I didn't want that. Maybe it's for the better, maybe it will be easier when we stop working together. And I can't always get what I want.

But I still feel abandoned.

4 comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone. I know it take so much time to trust anyone. When you finally do trust enough to share-they say well "I'm not the right one to talk too", it's like being kicked in the guts.

Having been abandoned so many times,some times T just don't get it. They don't understand the "risks" we take by talking to them.

Hang in there. You are not alone. (((safe hugs))))

survivor said...

Thanks Wanda - simply knowing I'm not alone with this is comforting. ((((Wanda))))

cheesemeister said...

Feeling abandoned is just about the worst thing. Sometimes when I feel like this I later realize that I haven't actually been abandoned, people were just distracted. But I sometimes wonder why they're distracted when I most need them!

survivor said...

Thanks for the different perspective Cheese... you've got me thinking now, very dangerous!!