Friday, March 14, 2014

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

My Story, My Shame 2.0

My very last post was all sunshine and flowers. I said I had healed and that life was wonderful. Please allow me to rephrase that!

Life as a whole is wonderful! I love my family and cannot imagine my life without my husband or child.

However, I feel like a fraud. 

I am not finished this journey towards healing. I think I had only started and did what I could do with what I had at the time. I think that I am better equipped at this stage in my life to go further and peel more layers and dig deeper and heal more. I am just beginning to understand that it's not just black and white, healed or not healed, it really is a journey with many paths to walk.

I am filled with anxiety in starting this again but my heart is telling me that it's time to do some more work and I'm actually listening. The feelings of shame, self loathing, anger, sadness, confusion, etc are all back and are very intense and consuming.

I'm struggling.

I saw my favorite artist in concert. She is someone who I absolutely adore and who embodies so much of what I aspire to be. She performed this song, which had always been a favorite, but it was the moment she looked at me and held eye contact that clued me into the fact that I was really in trouble and should probably ask for help. I emailed the counselor I had during the first go around in hopes she was still offering counselling and would take me on as a client again. Turns out she was not offering counselling but took me on regardless. I can't even begin to express the gratitude and relief I felt/feel. There is a connection and rapport and implicit trust there that will definitely be needed to open this door and start the intimidating upward climb. I am leaps and bounds from where I first started but I'm not finished yet. I keep reminding myself that there is no shame in this.

I started writing again at the encouragement of my counselor. I know it will be immensely helpful for me and hopefully will help others as well. I wasn't going to start again because of my last post and how wrong I actually was. I think that if I'm going through this chances are so are others and it's no fun being alone with these thoughts and feelings.