Thursday, March 22, 2007

I don't know anymore

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing

I go to bed every night

I lie there waiting for sleep

Sometimes it comes

Sometimes it doesn't

I get out of bed when the alarm goes off

I have a smoke

I shower

I feed my dogs

I go to work

I spend all day wishing I was somewhere else

But I don't know where

4PM hits and I leave

I get in my car and my boyfriend drives us home

I feed my dogs

I make dinner

I sit on the couch

Numbing my mind with television

I go to bed

I lie in bed scared to sleep. Scared of the dreams. The thoughts in my head just don't end. Picture a tornado of thoughts and images swirling around with me as a speck in the middle going in circles not knowing which thought or image to hold onto or throw out

I'm going to my doctor and asking for short term disability

I put a box of hamburger helper in the fridge and lunch meat in the cupboard

I put my shoes on the wrong feet

I can't keep a steady thought in my head

I'm jumping at ordinary noises

I can't drive - can't concentrate

I have no appetite

I have no desire to do anything

It's getting worse everyday

When I asked a co-worker how a leave of absence works she asked if I was OK.

I said physically - yes

She asked me if she could ask me something without me being offended if the answer was no

I said yes

She asked if I was sexually abused

I almost jumped out of my chair in horror

She said she could see it

How I carry myself

How I back away if a man gets close to me

How my eyes look dead

I said yes

She said she could tell - I reminded her of her

She was sexually abused

She offered to take me to the Sexual Assault Center

She offered to talk to me

Anytime I needed to talk

We're going for coffee on Monday

I'm scared

Today she asked me if I was OK

I just about started crying

To counter it

I LAUGHED

I'm loosing my fucking mind

I hurt

I hurt a lot

My divorce is final

I'm divorced

I should be happy about that

I'm not

I don't fucking care

I hurt

I don't have any words to put the hurt

Just hurt

I don't want to be here anymore

I want to just go

Where?

I don't know

I don't know anything anymore

I hurt

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Maybe Tomorrow

I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker and ready to implode, all of the ugliness inside me pouring out.

Nice visual...

I almost went to the hospital on the weekend to check myself in to the psych ward...

There should be awards for the best depressed/suicidal happy faces... not to toot my own horn, but I'd be in the running... almost a shoe-in to win!

I'm a barrel of hollow laughs and fake smiles. Forced and mechanical.

The one thing that isn't fake is the tears which I'm constantly choking back.

I've gone full circle from not being able to cry to crying all the time, but trying not to.

How the fuck does that work??

It's driving me insane that I can't contact C... and well, with T, I don't really want to... she scares me... too good at getting inside my head and really "seeing" ME!! I dunno, maybe I should just give up on the whole therapy deal, go back to "the face" and pretend everything is all good again... it worked my whole life so why not?

And there's one thing that makes me want to just stop therapy forever... C is taking some time off and I'm totally cool with that, very happy for her actually. But... (there's always a but, isn't there?!) I'm getting annoyed and frustrated... C emailed me a week and a half ago to see how I was, I tried to email her back but her email address doesn't exist anymore and I get delivery failure messages... seeing as how this is the only way I have to contact her, I'm now left in the dark wondering WTF? It's really, tremendously frustrating. And honestly, I don't even want to deal with it anymore... I don't know if I'm harboring past feelings or what, but I'm feeling kind of abandoned(?)... and I absolutely fucking hate that because I'm not supposed to depend on anyone for anything... all you truly have, one hundred percent, is yourself... I am the only constant in my life...

Do I even have a right to feel this way? And I don't care about the everyone has feelings and we're all entitled to our feelings... am I being selfish? I would have been better off if C hadn't even contacted me.

I'm having a really hard time with this, trying to express how I feel...

fuck sakes

It shouldn't make me feel like this. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. I'm feeling worthless. Abandoned. Completely left alone... discarded I guess... like trash.

I want a therapist who can give me what I need. I need someone who keeps their word, who cares not because they're paid to, but because they actually do. Someone who, if you need a hug, they'll give you one... This isn't aimed at the (I guess) current T or C because they're both awesome and have helped me in their own ways, but at a new one if I do decide to go that route... does such a therapist exist? If so, how the hell do you weed them out? At the same time, maybe I already have one and I just don't see it... I don't fucking know

I'm just rambling.

I'm pissed off in general and it's coming out all over the place.

I keep thinking about this poem I read years ago. I don't remember where I read it, but I wrote it down and keep it in my wallet. I've read it about a hundred times the past of couple of weeks and the card it's on is so tear stained that I can barely read it anymore.

It makes me cry and feel more alone...

After A While
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica Shoffstall 1971

Friday, March 02, 2007

Here we go again...

I'm at a serious low and continuing to sink.

I keep telling myself I'm OK.

I'm not. I'm not OK, not even close.

I keep welling up at work. I dig my nails into my palms to keep the tears away. Everything is getting to me, and I mean everything...

I want to spend the weekend in bed. I want to be alone, but being alone isn't the best thing for me. I know this, but I still want to be alone. I want everyone to just fade away so I can sink and keep sinking because there doesn't seem to be a bottom.

My whole body aches, I've had a never ending headache for days now. The whole trade bullshit and feeling betrayed is completely fueling all of these feelings. More wood on the fire.

I'm feeling suicidal again. I'm extremely embarrassed to even admit it.

I've put so much energy into trying to convince myself and everyone else around me that I'm OK that I don't have any energy left to help myself. To try to take care of myself...

It's - for a lack of a better word - funny how I've developed like this alter ego, this other person who takes control and acts normal, happy even, while this other person is drowning and hurting so much they're close to giving up.

I don't know what to do. I've isolated myself and left no one to talk to. I stopped seeing T and can't see her without 4 or 5 weeks notice... C contacted me and I tried to reply to her email but I'm getting delivery failures. Even in the email to C, I lied. I said I'm OK. I don't know why I do that. I don't have a fucking clue. Why is it so hard for me to admit when I'm not OK, that I need help? And when I get help, and start to get comfortable enough to talk, I push them away?

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Distraught

This isn't about surviving abuse, it's about hurt and finally learning something...

I'm a major hockey fan. The stereotype of being Canadian and loving hockey is me. I ask that if you read this post, you respect me and my feelings. Please don't discount them or leave comments about how it's just a game. It may be a game, but the players, especially this one in particular are very important to me. Thank you!

My team is the Edmonton Oilers. Always has been, and even though it's a love / hate relationship, they always will be. I've been cheering for them before I was ever hurt. I remember the first Stanley Cup they won, it's one of the few memories I have of my childhood - good memories, that is.

I love the Oilers. I love the players. They are my heroes. They bring a smile to my face and this indescribable feeling in the pit of my stomach with each game I watch. It doesn't matter if they win or lose, they are my boys.

I lost interest in hockey after they traded Gretzky and then Messier. I was 11. It broke my heart and I couldn't handle it. I still have the Gretzky trade on tape although I have never watched it since, and probably never will. It crushed me.

I started watching hockey again when I was 15, there was nothing else on TV so I decided to just watch, although I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with the game or the Oilers. Well, the opposite happened. I fell in love with a player. He has heart and soul like no other player. He wore his heart on his sleeve. The passion he put into every game was amazing. He soon became the face of the franchise, every one's favorite player. I couldn't remember another player as awesome as him since the dynasty and The Boys On The Bus. The things he did for the community, the children, the Stollery Children's Hospital and the game of hockey can't be put into words. He was truly a nice guy. I had the incredible opportunity to meet him while standing in line at a Tim Horton's. It's something I'll remember for the rest of my life.

On February 27th the Oilers traded him to the New York Islanders.

When I read that on TSN my heart just broke. I was crushed. It hurt. And I was very angry. At that moment I hated the Oilers, I hated the organization and most of all I hated Kevin Lowe. I couldn't believe they had done it again, they gave up someone awesome and for next to nothing.

That same night, we celebrated Messier - the Moose! - by raising his number to the rafters, retiring number 11 forever. It was a hard night, with many mixed emotions. My respect for the player they just traded grew even more as he graciously stayed away and declined to speak with the media until the next day to avoid any overshadowing of the Moose's big night. Pure class.

The next day he spoke to the media, and as I watched him break down and cry on national television I also broke down and cried. Not just because he was traded, but because it's a major loss for the Edmonton Oilers, the fans, the city and especially his family and friends.

Tonight the Oilers are playing, I'm not watching the game. I have tickets to Saturday's game, but I don't want to go. My heart isn't in it anymore.

It's huge loss.

In a way, I'm thankful. Watching this tough man cry real tears, to show such deep emotion on TV for millions of people to see taught me something that no one has been successful in teaching me.

IT'S OK TO FEEL. IT'S OK TO CRY.

His name is RYAN SMYTH. NUMBER 94. FOREVER AN OILER IN MY HEART.

He is my hero. And it hurts.