Friday, April 07, 2006

Long way to happy::::

I don't know what is going on with me.

I'm going to admit something I probably shouldn't...

I feel like giving up on life.

And to clarify, I'm NOT going to kill myself...

I just don't feel like even trying anymore. Trying to heal. Trying to care about me. Trying to LIKE me. Trying to have dreams and aspirations.

I keep telling myself it's all fine and dandy, but IT'S NOT FINE AND DANDY! It's a far cry from it.

Maybe I need a higher dose of happy pills! The magical cure... here take a pill, you'll feel better!

Feelings - they just are... can't control them, they just are. I CAN control how I choose to handle them though...maybe? I don't know about that. I mean how does someone who sees everything about herself as tainted, as a failure, who has depression CHOOSE a positive way to deal with sadness? Despair? Self loathing and hatred? I don't understand that...

My choice is just to plunge everything down and ignore it so I can function... that's not healthy. I'm barely holding on. The weight of this is crushing, I'm sinking fast...

The funny part is, I FEEL like giving up. A part of me even wants to give up... a LARGE part of me. Yet... somewhere.. there's a nagging pull, a voice telling me not to give up, telling me to SPEAK!

I am speaking - I'm writing. I WANT to say all of this out loud... right now anyway, give me an hour, that could change!

My mood swings are insane. I can go from being happy and all giggles to wanting to cry, to being incredibly angry, to completely numb... all in the course of a day. I never know from one minute to the next what to expect, and neither does anyone else around me. What keeps my mood steady is pot, POT of all things. The ONE thing I gave up completely is the ONE thing that was keeping me sane. It's not the answer though...

I Have Seen the Rain - Pink and James T Moore
I have seen the rain
I have felt the pain
I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
I don't know where I'm going
I don't even know where I've been

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