Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Lost

So here I am. I'm home.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere actually.

Today is not a good day. Yesterday wasn't either.

I'm not sure how I am. I'm here, I'm breathing, but I'm not alive - if that makes sense. I don't know how to explain it.

I'm feeling sad I think, yet numb at the same time.

Fuck I've lost my mind.

ML said it best when she said she felt like two people...

I'm questioning my sanity. I suppose that's a good thing. Crazy people don't often think they're crazy...right?

I haven't felt like doing anything for a few months now. I've been trying really hard to hide it from everyone by doing more things than I normally do. Overcompensation. I don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings anymore. I just want to curl up and cry. The more I try to hide it the worse it's getting.

Can depression get worse, even with anti-depressants?

I feel hopeless. I feel worthless.

And in case some of you are thinking this is related to spending a week with my father, this has been going on long before that. Although I'm sure seeing him as much as I did wasn't helpful.

I don't know why I constantly have the need to hide how I'm really feeling. Actually, I do. As a kid I had to hide everything. It's a hard habit to break I guess.

Aw well whatever... it's another day I'm still breathing...

2 comments:

SilentSoul said...

Hi
My name is Eygenia from Chania-Crete Greece..
If you want to speak Im here..
If you want a friend Im here.
My email ad is epapala@gmail.com..
I would be glad to hear from you soon..

PS:Im just a 32 year old woman.A person,A human like you..

Take care

Ghosts and Memories said...

Yes, depression can get worse even with anti-depressents. I know it has for me sometimes- I know how bad things get when there's the gradual darkening from gray into black and it feels like it's- never going to be over. I hope you talk to your doctor about maybe changing your meds, and your therapist. Because for me, keeping the silence I had as a child only makes it worse.