Saturday, August 18, 2007


You all are right I think.

I don't think it's possible to heal 100%. Every experience, good or bad, leaves a mark on us and that mark stays forever. I believe it's how we deal with those marks that impacts us in the long run.

I let this control my life for so long and I guess without knowing it, I decided not to let it. I fully expect to be in bad places again, I expect to have nightmares and flashbacks again at some point in time. What I don't expect is that I'll be back where I once was, to the deepest depths of despair, practicing SI or thinking about suicide.

I've been thinking about this a lot and I fully believe I am prepared to handle a flashback or a terrifying nightmare because I have the tools to handle it. I know how to bring myself back and remind myself that he can't hurt me now. I can listen and believe myself when I repeat over and over in my head that it's OK, I'm OK and I will be OK.

It's strange... it's like this switch was flipped in my head and I understand myself better than I ever have. I can also toot my own horn and look at the strength and the courage it took to get here.

Life isn't all roses, sometimes we get shit on by elephants but after time the stink fades...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Journey?

When do you know when you've healed as much as you can? How do you know? Do you ever really heal?

Monday, August 13, 2007

New beginnings?

Well... this sucks.

With the help of C and our session today I think I've reached a plateau of sorts. I think I have healed as much as I can, at least for this point in my life.

That's great. That's cause for celebration.

At least it should be.

Our session ended just 30 minutes ago, and I've been sitting on my bed crying since I hung up the phone.

I'm proud of myself. There was a time when I didn't think I'd reach this place and I thought that when I finally did I know it. Dancing down the street know it.

I do know it though. And I guess I've known it for a while now because I haven't been able to write, I haven't been able to talk about it and I don't really think about it that much anymore. I can sleep without nightmares, I'm not rocked with flashbacks.

Yet, I'm terrified....

Monday, August 06, 2007

That's My Job

I was going through my music folder on my computer earlier today and came across this song. As soon as I saw it, my heart stopped. At least it felt like it.

I played it.

And I cried. The tears just streamed down my face. I sat in front of my computer with my eyes closed feeling pain and grief. Loss.

The song hits me so strong because even though it's about a boy and his father, it's about a relationship I never had and never will have.

It's heartbreaking.

I needed to post it on here to let go of some of the pain the song creates. I can't hold it alone.

Thank you for sharing in my pain.

[That's My Job]