Wednesday, June 28, 2006

:::::::flat

Monday night I was rocked with nightmares. Very vivid nightmares. I woke up from the first one crying and talking. The fact that I was talking really scared me. I woke up saying "daddy please..." I was clutching onto a pillow, racked with fear.

I'm not sure when I finally fell back to sleep, but the second nightmare was worse than the first. I think I'm nuts... when I bolted awake, I swear I saw my father standing over me. He was THERE, but he wasn't really there... It scared the hell out of me to say the least, I haven't slept since. I'm afraid to.

The second nightmare was just that, a nightmare. My brain decided to torture me and do something different... My father and rapist were both there, holding me down. Taking. Turns. Raping. Me. It seemed so real though, so scary...

I've had a similar dream as this before, similar as in they were both there. Except HE was raping me and my father came downstairs and pulled him off me and shouted that I was his play thing and no one elses...

How fucking disturbing is that?

His play thing...

I am NOT a play thing. I'm a human being. I'm a person. A women.

I AM NOT A PLAY THING
I AM NOT A PLAY THING

...how come I feel like it though?

6 comments:

Lea said...

Survivor,
I pray that you find peace and are able to heal.

jumpinginpuddles said...

because thats how he made you feel and as you heal it will become less and less but we understand what you are saying, and its still so strong for us also.

Amelia

Fallen Angels said...

Nightmares are currently the bane of my existence...I'm sorry you are dealing with them too.

Wanda's Wings said...

I so sorry you are having these nightmares. It so hard to know your father not only violated you, but he failed to protect you. The dreams feel like they are happening now. Sometimes it helps to just find something "real" like your pilow a stuffed animal and just touch and feel it. I know that may sound a little nuts but sometimes it helps me.

Never give up You are a strong beautiful woman. Don't let the nightmare destory you. Know that they are apart of us, but they can never hurt us again

((hugs))

Marj aka Thriver said...

Damn nightmares! I hate them! I know what you mean about waking up and it all seeming so real, now. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that. I used to dream/wake and try to scream and couldn't. Then, later, I could scream my head off and I was elbowing my hubby in bed. I felt sorry for him, but I was happy for me. My T gave me credit for that and I agreed. Good for me, even if it is just progress in a dream. I hope yours get better for you.

cheesemeister said...

You keep saying it--you are not his plaything!
Fuck these assholes who take someone and scar them forever by feeding their sick need. Why do we have to carry their pain?
Best wishes--stay strong!