Monday, July 17, 2006

From one extreme to another

I spent the weekend at my cabin doing absolutely nothing! I read a book, took long naps, ate well balanced meals, took my dogs for walks. I was mostly relaxed and stress free until Sunday evening when I had to drive home. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to go back to reality - really who would?!

I woke up to my alarm this morning with a panic attack? My stomach was in a knot, my heart was pounding and my chest felt very tight, my hands clammy... I smoked a cigarette and tried to breathe deeply to calm myself but it didn't work. I hopped in the shower and spent extra time just standing there hoping the warm water would relax me, but it didn't. The closer it got for me to leave for work the worse my - I guess - symptoms became. I spent a good 10 minutes bent over the toilet dry heaving before I was able to pull myself together enough to start the drive to work. Start being the keyword! I got to Tim Hortons for my customary morning coffee and it felt like the doors of my car were closing in on me, slowly crushing me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't focus, everything was a blur. My arms started to tingle and my chest felt cold. I forced myself to act as normal as possible while I paid for my coffee and drove away. I kept both hands on the steering wheel and stared straight ahead. I think I ran a red light before I was really aware of where I was. I pulled off the road into a parking lot, rested my head on the steering wheel and just started to cry. I started talking to myself, saying over and over "what the fuck is wrong with you?" - I finally managed to pull it together enough to continue my drive to work.

I found a nicer area to park this morning mainly because I just drove around trying to avoid the inevitable. I spent the entire day feeling nauseus and uptight. Waiting for the commands to be barked, waiting to be told that this and that is wrong, having to ask to go to the bathroom, being expected to run at 140% and do the job of 4 people. Getting nothing but negative feedback. I can't take it much longer, yet I can't afford to just quit. The environment and treatment is unbelievably triggering and I leave every day feeling more and more defeated. I'm holding on because the schedule is perfect, being able to work from home when not forced into the office will be ideal for when I go back to school, but what is the limit? How much longer can I work on empty?

I'm absolutely exhausted. My body aches from being constantly tense. I feel like I could just fall over and sleep for days, yet when I finally do lay down and try to sleep I can't, my mind just won't quit. I'm scared to sleep because of nightmares. It's weird really, it's mainly during the week that I have problems sleeping. Come Friday night and I know I don't have to work the next day I'm sleeping by midnight, although it's not a restful sleep because the nightmares are still very much there. During the week I'm lucky if I'm asleep by 2am and and yet still abruptly waking during the night.

The stress from work, the stress from normal everyday issues, the stress from my past, the stress from healing, the stress from nightmares... I really am sick of it. Thoughts of just giving up have been surfacing more and more. I think of how easy it would be. How I would finally be free from all of this bullshit.

[Black and Blue]

4 comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

I so know how much you can just want to give up. Stress can really kick you in the butt. Have you found anything that makes you feel hppy an safe recently? Sometimes just one little ray of light can give us something to hold on to. Don't let "them" win. Too much as been taken from you already. You are worth, more than any of these things. Would it be poosible for you to take some time off from work? A day or so sometimes helps.

Know you are not alone.
(( safe hugs & peace))

Wanda's Wings said...

I so know how much you can just want to give up. Stress can really kick you in the butt. Have you found anything that makes you feel hppy an safe recently? Sometimes just one little ray of light can give us something to hold on to. Don't let "them" win. Too much as been taken from you already. You are worth, more than any of these things. Would it be poosible for you to take some time off from work? A day or so sometimes helps.

Know you are not alone.
(( safe hugs & peace))

jumpinginpuddles said...

When we head to the holiday house its a huge relief suddenluy we can relax littles play in the sun and sand teens frolick in the opp shops and we grin at their antics, coming home is horrible not because our house is but because its the reminder all things cant be on holiday forever.
For that one moment in time we felt how it felt to have no worries and it is always too brief.
We so get what you are saying

cheesemeister said...

Sometimes when I think about doing "the final deed" it's not even because I hate myself or that I want to die. It's because I'm tired of living when it's always so stressful! I feel you with this!