Saturday, September 30, 2006

Now What?

Boyfriend and I had the dreaded conversation. Y'know, the "are you the one for me"... not sure how it came about, something on the TV show Friends triggered it...

He doesn't know if I am the one for him. He said he's pretty sure that I am, but he's not positive.

I told him that after almost a year together if he still doesn't know, than I'm probably not and we should just stop wasting our time.

I don't think he gets it. It really hurt to hear that he's not sure.

I'm not looking for a ring either. I don't want that right now. What I NEED right now is to know that we're on the same page, future wise. I've let him in farther than I've ever let a man into my life, into my head, into all the spaces that are terrifying to let ANYONE in... and now knowing for sure that he's not sure I don't want him in those spaces. The emotional doors closed and up went the walls the second he said that.

Am I asking too much? Is expecting him to be in the same place as me unfair?

I don't know what to do. My heart broke when he said that... and with his "keeping my options open" approach to everything, well...

My usual reaction is to just run and cut the person who hurt me out of my life because there's been too much hurt.

Am I over-reacting?

The way I see it, I wouldn't have let him move in with me if I didn't think/feel/want/see a future together. Is this where men and women are different? I just don't see or understand how someone could commit to living together and not be sure about the other person? Maybe my thinking is clouded because there's a hurt I've never felt before.

I dunno... I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with this, somewhere I've never been and I'm basically lost...

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Undoing damage

For the first time last night with my boyfriend I experienced some left over damage from my ex-husband. My boyfriend did something my ex did to me constantly throughout our marriage. It was something so trivial, I'm absolutely positive it wouldn't have affected someone else as greatly.

My boyfriend didn't tell me something.

To start off the story, my boyfriend and I were talking about his hands, how soft they were. He hates it because he refers to them as "soft techie hands" and not "man hands" - I'll never understand men! He piped up and said they'll only be soft for a little while longer. I ask him why, he shrugs. I ask him if he's planning on quitting his new job, he shrugs. I tell him that he's cryptic, worse than a woman (yes, I was joking!) Then he said that he never knows what he's going to do, he always wants to leave his options open. So in creeps, um no, in charges my lovely lack of self confidence and I'm finding myself having a private panic attack thinking that "keeping his options open" also applies to our relationship. (I've asked him before if he ever thinks about the future, specifically our future, and I always get an answer of "I don't know, I never know where I'll be") So I decide to ask him if he's keeping his options open with me, he said "If I was I'd be going out a lot more, don't you think?" That response calmed my panic attack slightly, but what I really wanted to hear was, NO!! I know where our future is, just taking things slowly - something, anything more definitive because I know where I want to be, and that's with him.

I guess if I really wanted to dig deeper into the need of knowing where he sees our future I could say that it's because of my family and not being wanted and wanting so desperately to be wanted now. Or, I could chalk it up to being a woman and having a family of my own on my mind... I don't know, but I just really want to know what he thinks about this and I'm scared to ask him because I don't want to scare him!

On with the story...

My brother is moving to another province next week and was here last night to get his couch that we were storing for him. My boyfriend helped him carry it to his truck and in return my brother gave him something of his he no longer wanted. It was a big something, something my brother and I played with as kids. My boyfriend didn't tell me that he gave it to him and two hours later when my brother left, my mother comes upstairs and tells me what my boyfriend was given.

I lost it! I got so angry with my boyfriend. I yelled at him, telling him he never tells me anything, he's so cryptic! And of course, my boyfriend is sitting there absolutely dumbfounded because he's never not told me anything like this before. I jumped off the couch and stomped (very adult like) to our bedroom and closed the door. I sat on our bed thinking he never tells me anything, I'm so sick of this, I want out of this relationship. What else does he not tell me? Does he lie to me? I'm absolutely fuming at this point and in walks my boyfriend. He says he didn't intentionally not tell me, that he's never not told me anything before and that my reaction was fucking crazy. I told him to get out that I didn't want to talk about it so he walked away. As soon as the door closed I found myself saying out loud "I'm crazy, I'm fucking crazy. I'm a worthless piece of shit, a crazy piece of shit." I start to cry. I realized what I was doing and told myself silently that I'm not crazy or worthless and out loud I said "yes you are." Then it hit me...

Out of nowhere I said my exes name and was suddenly filled with rage. It's not my boyfriend who never tells me anything, it was my ex. It was my ex who would purposely keep everything from me to drive me crazy, to keep me under his control. I continued to sit on the bed thinking about how my ex would torment me by constantly lying about everything and anything, even the most frivolous of things, or simply not tell me something minute or major. He'd wait until I found out from someone else and then smile and tell me it's none of my business, even though 90% of the time it affected me directly.

I was shocked I was able to put the two together without any help from C or T. Even in my complete irrational thinking I was able to see that it's not my boyfriend I'm angry at but my ex.

I chain smoked and paced around our bedroom for an hour or so, trying to work up the courage to go talk to my boyfriend and apologize. I kept running over scenarios in my head: my boyfriend getting angry because I'm bringing my past into our relationship, or him simply not understanding or caring. I then started to worry that I'd lose him, that he'd had enough of my craziness and was just going to leave. I imagined him downstairs packing his stuff. God, I can be my own worst enemy!

I had finally worked up the courage to talk to him and opened the door to see him cross into the living room. I closed the door and lost all of my courage. I stood there for a few minutes telling myself how stupid I am and then just opened the door and walked into the living room.

I sat down across from him and asked him if I could explain why I flew off the handle earlier. He said "yes, please do." I told him that that was what my ex used to do to me and it drove me insane, and that I'm sorry for yelling at him. He apologized for not telling me, and explained that he forgot about it because right afterwards is when they carried the couch outside. He also asked how he can avoid doing that in the future. I told him I don't know asides from telling me everything, which he shouldn't have to do. We agreed to talk about it if it happens again because now we're both aware of it and can attempt to be cognizant if it happens again.

I am forevermore amazed at how adult conversation works. How a simple conversation can led to a resolution or understanding and everything is OK again. Our relationship is really the first time I've experienced this outside of sessions with C or T, and it's incredibly amazing how good it feels to be listened to, to be understood and respected. Especially by someone you love and want to spend your life with.

I think a very hurt part of me healed last night and some damage was undone. I'm giving myself a gold star for communicating when I was scared to do so and for allowing myself to be vulnerable.

Saturday, September 16, 2006


After I quit my job I spent the next 4 days in an anxious panic. What the fuck am I gonna do?! Kept playing in my mind. I applied for a few jobs and had a few interviews lined up when I was approached by my manager. They told they can't afford to lose me and they had an offer to propose. They offered me a raise, a permanent schedule and a promise to never work weekends. I thought about it for a few minutes before accepting. With a raise I get what I want, more money. I hate the job, but the money will keep me there, at least for a while. The schedule will allow me to continue with my plans to return to school, and really, who likes to work weekends? I have mixed emotions on staying with the company, but my team is incredibly happy and relieved, I even got some hugs from friends I work with.

I had T on Thursday this past week, hadn't a session with T since the middle of August so it was nice to see her.

The dynamic of our relationship changed. I'm not sure why or how, and I'm not complaining. It's an awesome change and I'm relieved that it's happened. I hope it continues, but if it doesn't, I also know from experience that it will come back as I've been done this road with C too many times to count!

For the first time with T I didn't feel uncomfortable or want to run out of the room and bolt to the safety and security of my car. I stayed present for most of the session and was able to go a little bit deeper into my feelings and thoughts. Not a lot deeper, but more than surface level. We talked a lot about sexual healing as I am reading a book on that topic, "The sexual healing journey: (a guide for survivors of sexual abuse)" By Wendy Maltz. Normally when this subject comes up I clam up immediately and get extremely embarrassed. I didn't this time and was able to talk about some things plaguing my relationship with my boyfriend.

At one point we were discussing something, I'm not even sure what it was... but it brought up another AH!HA! moment for me. I've discovered that not only is it hard for me to show emotion or simply cry is not only because of my mother, but because of my father. When I would cry, or plead, whimper, anything - that's when he would hurt me by pinching, hitting, burning, pull my hair. I learned not to have emotions and definitely not express them. And in an even more twisted way, I associated pain with emotions which makes even more sense why I self-harm, and chose burning as the way to injure myself and deaden the emotional pain.

I'm not feeling defeated by this new knowledge, quite the opposite in fact. I'm feeling re-charged and ready to go deeper. It has reinforced the fact that there IS nothing wrong with me, there are many reasons why I am the way I am. The greatest thing about it all... I'm asking for and getting help...

Monday, September 11, 2006

Back to reality

We got back early yesterday morning, again spending the night driving. I let my boyfriend sleep most of the way back and I drove like a crazy woman!

We had an awesome time on our trip and didn't want to come back. My boyfriend has fallen in love with the Vancouver area so we will be definitely moving in the next few years.

When we got back I started to count the hours before my mother started in on me... 6 hours and 23 minutes! She started with a guilt trip and moved on to how she's broke and she's never been this broke before and somehow it's MY fault!! I wanted to blow up at her but I didn't yell, I remained calm and told her she was a big girl who needs take care of herself and that it's NOT my fault and to stop blaming me for everything because it's bullshit and that if she keeps pushing me I'm leaving. She absolutely freaked out and started screaming all kinds of nasty things at me so I got in my car and left. I went for a long drive (not like I needed one after spending 13 hours driving home that night) and when I came back, I ignored her for the rest of the day. Doing the whole silent treatment deal I kinda felt like a child, but she hasn't gone off on me yet today so I guess we'll see. And really, I can't leave. Well, no, I could move out, but I'd have to give up my dogs and I'm NOT doing that. I guess I have to work really hard on setting boundaries and blocking her out... thing is, there's so many areas that I need to work on, that I need help with, I really don't know where to start or what to focus on...

I also fell off the "wagon" while on vacation and smoked copious amounts of pot. I must say it was awesome and I really enjoyed it. Each joint slowed me down, turned my mind off and just relaxed me. Before I started smoking again I was a ball of nerves, constantly thinking and not even remotely relaxed. Much to hard to resist temptation with the Amsterdam Cafe only a few blocks away... and really, you can't get any better than BC bud. I don't really even feel guilty for smoking again, not sure what is up with that, maybe it's because I was on vacation?? Now that I'm back in hell though, I don't plan on smoking...

I'm here, I'm at work, I'm doing my job, but I'm running on auto pilot. Even though I should be refreshed from vacation it feels like I never left. Last night I started getting a sick feeling in my stomach knowing I had to go back to work today. I've also been fighting for a raise for a few months now, and they are still dancing around the issue so... I QUIT! I quit my job... I gave them three weeks notice, hopefully in that time I will have another job lined up ready to go, if not, well I'll cross that bridge when it comes. I'm anxious, relieved, scared and excited all at once...

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


I'm still on vacation but I brought my laptop with me because I had a feeling I might need to write.

I had an in person session with C yesterday. I was incredibly nervous and anxious before the session and for the first little bit. It's a different dynamic face to face as opposed to the phone. It's much more challenging face to face.

There was a bit of an AH-HA! moment close to the end of the session and I kinda wish we could have spent more time talking about it, but we'll continue where we left off in our next session I'm sure.

We talked about my relationship with my mother and the lack of boundaries there is. We talked a lot about of how I feel/think that I deserve everything that has happened, my father molesting me, being raped, being in a physical/emotionally abusive marriage, still being emotionally abused by my mother... I deserve this because my parents didn't want me, I was a mistake. An IUD gone wrong or the long running joke of me being the flu before my mother found out she was pregnant. We talked about why I bow down to my mother and give in and do anything and everything she wants no matter how it affects me... I've been thinking of nothing else non-stop since the session yesterday afternoon and I had another AH-HA! moment while brushing my teeth this morning. I not only deserve to be a door mat, I need to earn my mothers love by taking care of her and basically serving her needs before mine. I NEED TO EARN HER LOVE. EARN. I don't deserve it, sometimes I don't want it, but I desperately NEED it. I wasn't wanted, and not being wanted and constantly being reminded of that I feel grateful that I wasn't abandoned, aborted, discarded... so because that didn't happen, and even though she hurts me and has in some ways abandoned me I still feel grateful for what I did get.. and the positive things I did get I didn't deserve, but the abuse I did deserve...

Going back to the session.... I looked at C and asked "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Saying those words was crushing. I almost broke, I almost let the tears out but I covered my face and pulled them back, I pressed my thumb nails into my fingers as hard as I could so the physical pain took center stage and the tears vanished.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I thought I was passed this part of it, that there is nothing wrong with me, it's them. I'm not passed this, not even close. Talking to C about the above brought it back. No... not back, more like in focus.

How can there be nothing wrong with me for my father to repeatedly abuse me, my mother to tell me that she wishes I wasn't born, to be raped, to marry a man who continues the abuse not only emotionally but physically as well. All of these people are or were in my life and there's nothing wrong with me? I don't think so...

I think I am fucking defective, broken and pathetic, damaged and destroyed... so defective and worthless that I don't deserve any better. After all I was an IUD gone wrong, I shouldn't be here, and honestly, more often than not, I don't want to be here.

My boyfriend keeps bugging me while I'm trying to write this, I've asked him to please leave me alone as I need to do some writing, but he just won't stop bugging me, tickling my feet, grabbing my legs scaring the hell out of me. He thinks my reactions are funny, I'm ready to snap and just scream at him to fuck off...

And again... what the fuck is wrong with me?

Friday, September 01, 2006

And I'm outta here...

Just wanted to let everyone know I'm on vaca for the next 10 days, won't be back in town till the 11th.

Take care all!