Thursday, June 15, 2006

Safe

I had my second session with new T yesterday, it went rather well.

We talked about how I was dissociating in the first session and T went over the session with me so I would know what happened. T went on to talk about how it's OK not to trust her right now and not to feel safe, but that it is a safe space and she is a safe person. T also said it's perfectly OK to feel ambivalent with her or the sessions. By her being the instigator on the subject and knowing that I didn't feel safe and wasn't sure if I could trust her created a safer space for me - kudos to her, she's good at what she does!

The first session I was scared of her. I'm not sure what I was scared of, but in my mind she was a monster. Very intimidating. Yesterday, I actually saw her. She shared a bit about herself which also made her more human and less scary.

I took a depression test, the BDI. I scored 38 which labeled me as severely depressed. We talked a lot about how I still get out of bed in the morning, how I still function in the world feeling the way I do. I told her that I don't have a choice, if I want to live I HAVE to get out of bed in the morning, if I don't I can't live, I can't support myself or even start to take care of myself, it's something I HAVE to do. T gently reminded me that it's not something I have to do at all, I could collapse, I could stay in bed but I'm making a choice not to. I'm CHOOSING to get out of bed, I'm CHOOSING to take care of myself and continue working, to maintain my independence. I laughed. My counselor (this might get confusing, sorry!) has told me that numerous times, but I didn't completely believe it. I don't want to end up homeless and in a worse situation... that's a choice! It's was an AH HA! moment... the light bulb went off. This may sound stupid, but I didn't really know what a choice was and I didn't know I had a choice in the matter.

We touched on a very uncomfortable subject, T asked if I had self injuring behaviors. I wanted to jump out of the chair and run out the door. I couldn't look at her, I kept my head down and stared at my feet. I held my breath for what felt like an eternity before I breathed out the word yes. After I said yes, I looked at T, I NEEDED to see her reaction. T gave me what I needed and wanted, her expression wasn't one of disgust or shock, but one of understanding and kindness.

All of the seemingly little things T does is helping to create a safe space and slowly building trust.

I'm feeling a tiny bit more stronger today...

7 comments:

The Conflicted Redhead said...

I love the AH HA! moments. When you have an awesome therapist, you start having so many of these moments. You start connecting the dots. And there are so many to connect!!

It hurts like hell during the process and you might want to strangle your therapist. But don't!! The right therapist will go into the trenches of hell with you and bring you back stronger and healthier.

Thanks for inviting us along on your journey. I think it takes a beautiful kind of courage to open your life for others to see. I know I will be watching and sending you good vibes!!!

jumpinginpuddles said...

our T sounds a bit like your counselling and Therapist together. She walked a tough journey with us with compassion care and even now says "i love you" even though i will never say it back.
Its her its our writing and its our friends who keep us stumbling along this road, and im glad you are also finding people to stumble along the road with also.
Maybe we can stumble together :)

Wanda's Wings said...

Sure is hard sometimes to talk about this. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be better. I feel for you. The new ones are always hard to open up to. You are being brave and working hard. You are in my thoughts.

Holly said...

Hi survivor,
I know your demons will be tackled, your win the battle.
It is never easy, your a survivor, and always will be!! Take care, chat soon.

Lea said...

Congrats to you for you for talking. Keep up the good work!

Sacha said...

I just found your site through BlogHer. I'm also a survivor and am in therapy. I know it was totally scary at first but after 2 years of learning to trust, I feel so much better overall.

I look forward to checking in with you.

cheesemeister said...

Sounds like you have found a good person. Hopefully she can be an understanding listener and a helpful adviser.
I was a cutter too. And I hit myself. I'm bipolar and I started taking Lithium which stopped some of that behavior. But sometimes when I have PMS I still want to.
I have scars on my wrist from it.