I had my second session with new T yesterday, it went rather well.
We talked about how I was dissociating in the first session and T went over the session with me so I would know what happened. T went on to talk about how it's OK not to trust her right now and not to feel safe, but that it is a safe space and she is a safe person. T also said it's perfectly OK to feel ambivalent with her or the sessions. By her being the instigator on the subject and knowing that I didn't feel safe and wasn't sure if I could trust her created a safer space for me - kudos to her, she's good at what she does!
The first session I was scared of her. I'm not sure what I was scared of, but in my mind she was a monster. Very intimidating. Yesterday, I actually saw her. She shared a bit about herself which also made her more human and less scary.
I took a depression test, the BDI. I scored 38 which labeled me as severely depressed. We talked a lot about how I still get out of bed in the morning, how I still function in the world feeling the way I do. I told her that I don't have a choice, if I want to live I HAVE to get out of bed in the morning, if I don't I can't live, I can't support myself or even start to take care of myself, it's something I HAVE to do. T gently reminded me that it's not something I have to do at all, I could collapse, I could stay in bed but I'm making a choice not to. I'm CHOOSING to get out of bed, I'm CHOOSING to take care of myself and continue working, to maintain my independence. I laughed. My counselor (this might get confusing, sorry!) has told me that numerous times, but I didn't completely believe it. I don't want to end up homeless and in a worse situation... that's a choice! It's was an AH HA! moment... the light bulb went off. This may sound stupid, but I didn't really know what a choice was and I didn't know I had a choice in the matter.
We touched on a very uncomfortable subject, T asked if I had self injuring behaviors. I wanted to jump out of the chair and run out the door. I couldn't look at her, I kept my head down and stared at my feet. I held my breath for what felt like an eternity before I breathed out the word yes. After I said yes, I looked at T, I NEEDED to see her reaction. T gave me what I needed and wanted, her expression wasn't one of disgust or shock, but one of understanding and kindness.
All of the seemingly little things T does is helping to create a safe space and slowly building trust.
I'm feeling a tiny bit more stronger today...