Thursday, October 26, 2006

The "test"

I have so much to write about, I'm not sure where to start!

In my last session with T I didn't write about something that was eating at me and now that I've talked to C and T about it, I'm OK writing about it...

When talking about the rape and telling T how it started and then happened, T said that he sounded very calculated, that I probably wasn't his first or his last victim (I HATE that word... victim)

This sent me into a tail spin... I felt so guilty for not reporting it and protecting any other women from him. I still feel somewhat guilty, but now understand that I wasn't in the place to report it... I was a wreak emotionally. I think I'm OK with that... and I know I did what I needed to do and that I'm looking back at it with regret because I wish I had handled it differently. But I am going to do something...

T told me that recently the laws have changed to allow a person to report a rape or sexual assault to the police and the police will keep it on file for 5 years. During that 5 years if a rape that is similar or is allegedly committed by the same person they will have the report to help their case. So I may not have reported it at the time, but I sure as hell am going to report it now and leave it at that.

I tested T during this weeks session. I printed off what I had written on my blog back in February about the rape and I let her read it. I wanted to see her reaction and if it was a safe environment to talk about the things that hurt the most. I discovered it is a safe environment, T is an OK person to trust with all of this.

I also asked her a few questions... if and when we go over the rape in detail, could we go for a walk while talking about it? She agreed and said it's a great idea. I told her I need to move around to get out the nervous energy and that's what I do when talking to C, I pace... but it lets me talk. I also asked her if we could go back to weekly sessions, T agreed but not until November 7th. I'm fine with that. Twice I asked for what I needed and it was well received... I was kind of uncomfortable with that because it's not something I'm used to, asking or receiving... kinda cool...

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Hannah and Cedar Hawach Missing from Calgary, Canada

The childrens mother is a friend of my aunts and my aunt asked me to forward their website to all of my contacts. I decided to go one step further and post the site and their story on my blog in hopes of reaching more people.

Help Bring Hannah and Cedar Home

Hannah and Cedar Hawach Missing from Calgary, Canada

Missing Children Society of Canada, August 25, 2006: Sisters Hannah, 5, and Cedar, 2 were looking forward to going to Australia for a holiday with their father Joseph Hawach on July 1 of this year. Instead both children were allegedly abducted by their father and are now believed to be in Lebanon.

Joseph Hawach, an Australian and Lebanese citizen, and the children’s mother Melissa, from Saskatchewan, met in Australia and were married there. A year later they returned to Canada to live in Calgary with their 2 children Hannah and Cedar. The relationship however, broke down, but both parents continued to see the children. Joseph told Melissa that he wanted to take the kids to Australia for a 3 week trip and signed a written agreement, promising to return them to Canada on July 21. Sometime after he took the kids on the intended holiday, Melissa became concerned because her daily conversations with the girls had stopped and she couldn’t get in touch with them.

Her concern was well founded when it was discovered by way of phone call from one of Joseph’s family members, that Joseph had left Australia with the girls. In early August, Joseph advised Melissa that she should travel to Australia where he would meet her with the girls. She immediately flew to Sydney only to be greeted by the realization that the children were not there and were most likely in Lebanon. Joseph’s family also informed Melissa that the only way the girls would be returned to Australia would be if she agreed to live in Sydney, give Joseph full custody, and dropped the charges against him.

Melissa is working with the police, the foreign embassies and consulates and the Missing Children Society of Canada to find her daughters. For Melissa and the rest of their family and friends, the nightmare of parental abduction is just beginning and we hope that someone will be able to come forward to help Melissa find her kids.

Hannah has brown eyes, light brown hair, is 3’8” and weighs 45lb. Cedar has brown eyes, blond hair, is 2’10” and weighs 35lbs. International warrants and an extradition order have been issued for the girls’ father who has been charged with two counts of child abduction.

If you have seen these children please call the Calgary Police Service at: (403) 266 1234 or call the Missing Children Society of Canada at 1 800 661 6160.

For more information about the Missing Children Society of Canada please call Liz Ballendine, Director of Development at: (403) 291 0705 or visit

Missing Children Society of Canada

Monday, October 16, 2006


I'm happy it's Monday... there's definitely something wrong!

My weekend was OK, it started off with a bang... literally.

My boyfriend, best friend and I went to see The Guardian (highly recommend it) on Friday night. We hadn't eaten dinner and saw the late show so by the time we got out the only thing open was McHeartAttackOnABun (McDonald's) so into the drive thru I drive. We're sitting there waiting when this idiot starts to back up from a parking spot. I'm watching him, waiting for him to realize I'm RIGHT BEHIND HIM, but no, he's an IDIOT and isn't looking. When he gets passed my comfort zone which was about 4 feet I lay on the horn, he doesn't stop. I keep the horn pressed, but I'm stuck I've got cars in front of me, this dumbass who is about to hit my car behind me... I can't go anywhere. I put the window down and yell at him and then lay on the horn again... BANG!!!

He fucking hit my car.

I moved at the speed of lightning and jumped out of my car, put on my intimidating stance and firmly walked to idiots drivers side door. He's sitting there stunned as I give him my evil glare (which probably looks like I'm constipated!) and say "excuse me sir, you just hit my car."

"Oh!" replies the idiot.

Now I've always thought that the first time someone hits my car I'm going to be absolutely livid and ready to beat them senseless (kidding)... amazingly I remained composed and walked to check my car. Now it being 1:30ish in the morning it's pitch black and I can't see any damage. I run my hand over where he hit and check for dents, I don't feel any. Now because he was moving at approximately the speed of a snail in molasses I figure there's more than likely no damage.

I tell the idiot to watch where he's going and to drive more carefully because next time he might not be so lucky - translation - get your head out of your ass you idiot and watch what the fuck you're doing! I then bid him a good night.

I get back in my car and I wrote down his license plate number, just in case.

Saturday morning my boyfriend and I are leaving to go to a football game, I take a peak at the back of my car and there is a HUGE scuff on the bumper... I'm fuming mad, mostly at myself for not checking properly when it happened, I should have known better. I do have the idiot's plate number but I haven't decided if I am going to file a police report, I think I can just buff it out and make it all shiny again.

Asides from that, it was an awesome weekend. My boyfriend and I celebrated our one year - our first date was a football game, and I thought it would be kinda cool to go back to where it started so we froze our asses off at the game and even though we lost, heck, we've been in the CFL playoffs for over 30 years straight it was bound to happen!

Thursday, October 12, 2006


I had a session with T today, it had been almost a month since our last session. The dynamic and comfort level remained from our last session. It was much needed today.

We started talking about my dream.

I've been worried that I had completely lost it when I felt pain in my dream and woke up and was in pain. T said this was a body memory. She said it's a new part of my healing because instead of my dreams or flashbacks just being in my head my body is beginning to relive it, according to T this is a positive thing. I don't know about that though, I'd rather it just stay in my head... that was a TERRIFYING experience.

We started talking about the rape, piece by piece. It was so hard to talk about, we barely got into it. I kept getting flashes of him punching me and forcing himself in my mouth. I went in my mental black hole and got lost in the memories. I covered my eyes because I didn't want T to see the pain or the tears that were trying to escape. T moved her chair closer and asked me what she can do to support me so I'm not alone - I don't know! I don't know how to let her support me, or how to share the intense pain and hurt.

I am so scared to share the things he did to me, how it felt, how I remember it feeling... it's incredibly embarassing and horrifying and personal to talk to someone about the things that he did to me or forced me to do...

How have you talked about it?

On another note, I've been listening to this song on repeat ever since I got into my car after T... It's my strength right now if that makes sense, it's what I'm drawing from to keep my head up and keep myself in TODAY instead of in the past and in THAT moment... I wanted to share it incase it helps someone like it's helping me...

[Scott Stapp - Fight Song]

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Reliving (possible triggers)

The TV show Without A Trace triggered me like I have never been triggered before. It was horrifying. The basis of the story was a missing 911 operator who turned out to have been brutally attacked and raped while in college and was seeking revenge on the man who hurt her. It showed him on her, beating and raping her. It conveyed her life of fear so well...

I sat on the couch absolutely terrified. I couldn't blink, breathe, nothing... just stared blankly at the TV. I don't remember much of the show after that. My boyfriend said he said my name about 10 times before I sucked in a breath and looked at him. I don't remember... I was off in La La land...

I DO remember my dreams though... I was really tired from all the Thanksgiving festivities and working on a holiday so I fell asleep really quickly - VERY unusual.

Both dreams were about Byron (the monster who raped me) - the first one was what I've started calling the "normal nightmare", me watching him rape me, but it's not me... if that makes sense. It's my body, but it's not "me"... I woke up with a start and almost jumped out of bed, also pretty normal for that dream. That dream upsets me, I get scared, I'm disoriented when I jolt awake and it takes a few minutes to calm down. I don't process the dream, I just flick on the TV and watch infomercials till I fall asleep again... whatever, it works.

I fell asleep again rather quickly - EXTREMELY unusual - only this time to be reliving the rape. I COULD FEEL IT. Everything was so vivid and REAL. I felt his fist hit my face, I felt his hands grabbing at me, holding me down, his breath all over me... everything. It felt like it was really happening. I could feel the searing pain, I could taste my tears...

My boyfriend woke me up... I was crying. He said I was kicking and fighting and shaking my head, moaning and mumbling what sounded like no... he said he had to wake me up because he knew what I was dreaming about...

I felt like I had just been raped again, my body ached, I had a splitting headache... my jaw was throbbing where he "hit" me...

My boyfriend wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly for a few minutes until I pushed him away. I needed to put my feet on the floor, to feel the carpet. I lit a smoke and just let the tears fall. Oddly I was numb, I don't remember any emotions yet there were tears... I sat on the edge of the bed, smoking, staring at my feet but not really seeing them. I mean I saw my feet, but it was like they were a million miles away... I lit another smoke and then got up and got some water. I climbed into bed, trying to tell myself that the dream wasn't real even if it felt real. I waited until my boyfriend fell asleep then I got up and took a hot shower, I needed to wash off the filth, to try to make myself feel clean... it didn't work. I STILL feel dirty and disgusting... used...

I don't remember reliving the rape like this before, actually feeling it..

I fucking hate this

Monday, October 09, 2006

From Postsecret

Incredibly powerful... and TRUE

***Update, 10/10/06***

When I saw this picture yesterday, I just sat there staring at it. It speaks volumes. It conveys what I can't.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Weathering the storm

I haven't been sleeping very well since Friday when this relationship ordeal cropped up. My boyfriend has been asking me what's wrong because I had been sleeping really well since he moved in, so he knew something was up.

We had another talk last night. It started out awful, with both of us on the verge of tears, him shutting down and not wanting to talk and me prying and continuing to talk.

We almost broke up.

We were on our way to a friends place for his birthday when I asked him what he was thinking about because the tension was so high in the car I could have cut it with a knife (excuse the cliche!)

I won't go into details, but we hached it out, and we are on the same page. He said he meant he wasn't ready... I'll accept that and just enjoy the moment.

****this was supposed to be published on Tuesday, but blogger struck again and saved it instead of publishing...

Monday, October 02, 2006


A couple days ago, after the conversation and my breakdown regarding my boyfriend, he turns around and starts talking about our wedding?!??

What the fuck?

It's easy to see why I'm confused and getting upset...

We were talking about Newfoundland, where he's from, and how a non-newfie is accepted and becomes an honorary newfie. It's kinda funny and gross how you become an honorary newfie by doing either of the following:

1 - kiss a cod fish EW EW EW EW EW!!!!!

2 - do a shot of screech - it's Jamaican rum and is supposedly disgusting, I'll take their word for it! Downing shots of hard liquor is not my thing anymore...

I told him I might do a shot of screech but I sure as hell am NOT kissing a cod fish. He told me I'll have to do the shot next summer when we go to Newfoundland because it might make me sick. I said nuh uh, not a chance... he replies with well would you rather do a shot and be sick in your wedding dress on our wedding day? My jaw dropped and I didn't say anything, I just laughed instead.

Am I spending too much time thinking about this shit?

The more I think about it, the more I think I should just live in the moment. But then I start thinking about how I want to know where I might be in a few years. Of course the thought of no one knows where they are going to be in a few years from now enters my mind and I'm going in circles...

It's starting to feel like he's screwing with my head... or is just scared to admit how he feels...