Sunday, July 09, 2006

Why can't I say no??

Sometimes I want to, other times I don't. Why the fuck can't I say no?

Saturday night my boyfriend and I had sex. I didn't want to. I wasn't in the mood. I laid there repeating over and over in my head that I don't want to do this, please don't touch me, maybe tomorrow, I'm not in the mood. But I couldn't say it out loud. Instead I just went with the motions and went inside myself to the place I sometimes go. I stared at the spot on the ceiling I used to stare at when my father hurt me. I don't know where I go...

Why couldn't I say anything?

I feel dirty. Ashamed. Used.

Pissed off at myself, hating myself, wanting to hurt myself.

I just don't get it.



Wanda's Wings said...

It's hard to say no. I can not tell you the number of times I wanted to say no and did not. I just shut my eyes and wanted "it" over. Then I would feel guilty if I wanted to make love with someone I cared for. It got all mixed up in my head by the repeated rape and abuse of my stepdad. It sounds like that is what has happene to you. Try not to hurt yourself. It only feels good for a short time.
I'm not an "expert" other than living this myself.If it helps to know, I think many of us go through what you are going through. Just don't give up! Don't hate yourself. We are human. We have learned to react the way we do by what we "learned" at a young age. Please hold on. It will look different on another day. YOU are NOT Alone!
((safe hugs))

jumpinginpuddles said...

Because you asre so afraid of losing him you dont know how to say no and keep him at the same time. Remember its your body now and your choice, its ok to say no, and its ok to expect the person will listen

Wanda's Wings said...

Just checking in on you to make sure you are still safe. (( safe hugs))

The Missing Link said...

hey sweetie - this is WAY too familiar... been in a really uncomfortable, hard, scary place lately, but thinking of you... ill write more when i can

take care of yourself... im always here for you, no matter what :)

cheesemeister said...

Hi Kid,
I haven't had sex in seven years. I don't want the horrible emotional entanglement and the inevitable heartbreak of a relationship. I loathe casual sex. So its just me Handy! (WTMI!)
I was married for 11 years. When my ex husband wanted it, fine. But if I initiated it I was a slut. The last time we ever "did it" was three years before we divorced. I just lay there like a piece of wood staring at the ceiling. I didn't feel dirty but I did feel like a prostitute, like it was my obligation. I felt empty inside. We hadn't gotten along for a long time and he made me feel like trash the last time I'd tried to get close to him. When he was done he said "well, that was fun. I could have done just as good a job all by myself." I said "and from here on out you shall."
Sorry about the rant. You really inspired me to remember that with this post. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. I was lucky to have a father that only drove me nuts psychologically. My aunt's first husband molested me when I was very small. I don't have any strong memory of the incident, only shadows in my dreams. I did have scarring on my "nether regions" as a young child which closed off the vagina. I only figured out logically that he was the perp because he molested his own daughters. He probably would have kept doing it to me but my parents moved. I also have 2 incidents of date rape. So I don't know exactly how it feels to have gone through what you did, but I kinda do.
Also I like the way you write. I think you would make an excellent counselor!

Chas said...

hi beautiful,
I understand where your coming from. As you most likely already know since you did't want to, that is rape. Are you in therapy? That's something you may want to consider. Remember that what he did to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT! If you need to e-mail me P.S. In America we have a national sexual assault hotline. Is there a hotline like this in Canada where you can call? E-mail me anytime. I am here for you.