Sometimes I want to, other times I don't. Why the fuck can't I say no?
Saturday night my boyfriend and I had sex. I didn't want to. I wasn't in the mood. I laid there repeating over and over in my head that I don't want to do this, please don't touch me, maybe tomorrow, I'm not in the mood. But I couldn't say it out loud. Instead I just went with the motions and went inside myself to the place I sometimes go. I stared at the spot on the ceiling I used to stare at when my father hurt me. I don't know where I go...
Why couldn't I say anything?
I feel dirty. Ashamed. Used.
Pissed off at myself, hating myself, wanting to hurt myself.
I just don't get it.