Monday, April 24, 2006

Denial or Avoidance?

So I've been avoiding my blog since I posted last... I keep going back and forth between being ready to talk about it and wanting it to just go away.

I know it won't ever just go away, I've wasted years trying to will all this bullshit away to no avail and I really don't want to keep wasting my time, or anyone else's for that matter.

I have this pattern, and I'm very aware of the pattern or habit or whatever the fuck you want to call it... maybe more like a circle since that what I feel like, going around in circles!

I can talk about "stuff" one day, the next day, not a chance. Trying to get anything out of me is like pulling teeth from an alligator with your bare hands - point being, it's next to impossible! And unfortunately, it's more often teeth days than it is anything else. It drives me crazy, it really really frustrates me. It's there, everything I want to say is on the tip of my tongue but it's like there's some force clamping it down and nothing can get out except for "I dunno" or "yeah" I even do it with myself when something comes up like a nightmare or flashback...

Is that denial or avoidance?

Or a lovely combination of both with a super-size coke on the side?


The Missing Link said...

This is EXACTLY how I have been feeling for so long re: submitting my writing for publication. It's all there, but there is something invisible standing before me that I can't get past. I know it's there because every single time I try to cross it, I get slapped or knocked down. I've been wondering the same things... am I avoiding my passion because I am denying my truths???

(PS - A rape survivor commented that I, too, was "dwelling." Thought you might get a kick out of that one...)

Anonymous said...

question do incest victims sometimes become more sexually active? Do rape victims desire their abuser?

jumpinginpuddles said...

denial and avoidance are hand in hand and at times both are simply not ready to be let out. Let avoidance out and tell half a story then the rest comes far too fast then next to comes lack of denial so to me avoidance and denial are sisters they embrace each other a lot.
We like denial and avoidance LOL that is until our T does something we cant deny or avoid then we avoid our T instead ;)

survivor said...

Jump - your comment made me smile! Thanks!