Thursday, July 06, 2006

been a while

I haven't been able to write anything for a few weeks now, every time I come here I get a burning sensation in my chest and I just can't type. I'm sorry I haven't been around to offer support...



I've been thinking non-stop since the session with T today. I had to put on the happy, life kicks ass face right after the session because I was with my best friend after work because I had to go into the office today and we carpooled this morning.

I don't even remember the question that triggered me. What played out before my eyes was fucking terrible. I saw me, the little girl me, and my father doing things to me telling me to say it, I don't know what IT is, but I wouldn't say it. I refused to say it, and he kept pressing the cigarette on my thigh telling me to say it. Say it. Say it.

I wouldn't. Fuck, I wish I knew what IT was...

I didn't even remember this until today. I haven't the foggiest idea what we talked about prior to this taking center stage. And I haven't been able to remove it from my wonderful mind either. It's been in the back, poking it's way out at the most inopportune times - funny (not ha ha!) how it seems to work that way...

I said today that I don't really think about any of this except in the one hour sessions, and I guess that's not true. Well, it's true in the sense that I TRY not to, but the more I think about it, the more I realise all of this has consumed my life. The more I try to push everything down, suffocate it and pretend none of it happened, the more consuming it becomes. The more frequent the nightmares/flashbacks haunt me. The seemingly innocent comments or touches send me reeling into myself. The more I fight it the worse it gets, the further into my shell I retreat.

It's scary in my shell. Lonely.

I'm beating myself up for not talking about what I remembered during the session. The drill sergeant is having a heyday with this, he's perched on his box, megaphone in hand shouting that I'm a worthless idiot. Kinda wish I had a mute button... in time I guess, just getting sick of the waiting...

I almost lost control in session today. I came so very close to crying...

4 comments:

jumpinginpuddles said...

im sorry you couldnt say this in T today im sorry you also felt you couldnt cry, its tought being in the shell isnt it sending you safe hugs

Anonymous said...

Maybe it would help to cry. It wouldn't hurt to try.

Wanda's Wings said...

If you need to loose it, Do it. I have done that more than once. Do what ever it takes. Get this out. They say memories don't hurt. I beg to differ. When you live through things over and over again it DOES HURT!. I know "control' seems to be important, but let it rip if that is what it takes. Those cigarette burns hurt. I'm sorry I get so angry that a father could do that. E-mail me if you need to talk. I can listen or talk to you. Don't try to do this alone. Here is my hand if you need it. (( safe hugs & no pain))

cheesemeister said...

Sometimes you don't remember something for a long time because your mind is trying to protect you. I didn't remember about how I got the scarring on my "bits and parts" or the doctor opening it back up with no anesthetic until I was 27 years old! You'd think that's something you'd never forget, but boy did I forget for a long time, and I can see why!
I sometimes wish I could remember some details of what my uncle did to me. Just so I'd know. But other times I'm glad I don't remember.