Had a very good session with my counsellor this week. We covered some important stuff and I've been thinking a lot about what was discussed.
We ended the session with me in tears. I was feeling rather strong and was OK to have ended that way as it left me to continue processing what we talked about. The tears were a mixture of relief, understanding and some sadness.
I had made a statement that sometimes I liked the attention I got from my father as opposed to the negative attention I normally received. I grew up in a very angry house. Everyone was always yelling, screaming, hitting - I was usually on the receiving end of it. I was also spoiled rotten with material possessions - I think it was my parents way of making up for everything I endured as a child. I would have rather had positive attention as opposed to a new bike or a million toys. I was very embarrassed to admit that sometimes I liked the attention from my father, but that embarrassment is gone. I'm OK with it now because it makes sense.
Sometimes before my father would hurt me, he would climb into bed with me and just cuddle. The cuddling was what I liked. It was pretty much the only comforting anyone gave me as a child. In talking with my counsellor about it, and hearing her validate why I liked it erased any embarrassment or shame I had around this, it was relieving and comforting in it's own way.
I'm one teeny tiny little step further in healing...
It feels good!