Friday, June 02, 2006

barely holding it together


Combine all of those feelings and there I am, trapped in the middle. Drowning.

I haven't resorted to SI. Every hour that ticks by is an accomplishment.

ML pointed out something I didn't see - I'm feeling. I'm feeling intense, heavy feelings. That's a good thing. Haven't let myself feel anything like this before and I guess I wouldn't be feeling all of these things if I wasn't "ready" to feel them on some level.

I'm trying really really hard to stay strong. To keep pushing myself to keep my head above water. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. It seems the never ending inner strength isn't really never ending and the end is fast approaching.

I'm going to my cabin for the weekend. My boyfriend, best friend and I are leaving this evening. My father never hurt me at the cabin, it's my only safe space. Maybe it'll help...

Something has to give... and thanks to my stubbornness, it's NOT going to be me.

The longer I sit here and stare at the screen, the more sad and angry I'm getting.

I'm fucking confused. And I'm pissed off.

The entire time in NY my father was the way all fathers should be. He was really kind and caring, told stories about me as a kid, funny ones that I didn't even remember. He took care of me.

I really don't want to admit it, but I enjoyed it. Warm feelings towards him started to develop, but at the same time my hatred grew. I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted to scream at him that he doesn't have a right to act fatherly, that he lost it the second he laid his perverted hands on me. I wanted to tell him to fuck off...

More than anything... I wanted him to say he's sorry. I wanted him to apologize for everything he did. I don't know why I want an apology, it won't take anything away or make it better. Well, it will take away the blame I still lay upon myself - still faltering with the whole it's not my fault thing.

And I'm crying again.


Why can't I just suck it up? Plunge it down and carry on?


I am so fucking sick of just surviving. So sick of carrying this fucking bullshit with me all the damn time. I don't even know what it would be like to be free from this crap. What it would be like to wake up in the morning and smile and look forward to the day? What it would feel like to be clean instead of constantly feeling dirty and disgusting?

I feel so defeated.


Donna said...

I've been where you are, and all I can say is that there is space on the other side of this. Feeling the feelings is the hardest part, so much harder than just stuffing them inside. I don't know how you can stand to even be around your father, regardless of how he was acting. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

The Missing Link said...

hang in there, sweetie. we cant drown... we know how to swim, remember???

just keep remembering that: but i know how to swim... but i know how to swim...

and when we learn a skill like that, whether its swimming or surviving, it never leaves us... no matter how much it feels like WE want to leave IT.

our heart knows more than our minds... she wont let us drown...

she'll kick our minds into high gear and make us swim.

we're swimming right now, survivor... just in really deep and rough currants, but we're still swimming...

much love, & i hope you enjoy the weekend away!! i cant wait to get out of here myself next weekend!


Marj aka Thriver said...

Oh, but you're not defeated. You got through your visit with your father safely and you're feeling the feelings. These accomplishments are HUUUUUUGE! No wonder you're tired. I'm glad you have a peaceful, safe place to go to and rest.

jumpinginpuddles said...

we also have a "safe place" we go to for a break it is untouchable and untainted, a place where we can sit at the beach and cry the tears of the ocean crashing.
i can relate to all you said especially the last few lines, dirtiness isnt as simple as turning on the washing machine when it comes to this, because it seems it doesnt matter how much you wash its still there.
Sending support

Anonymous said...'re not alone...i'm in the same situation...i was molested by my father when i was a teenager...sometimes i look back and wonder "why the hell didn't i stop him?"

When I hit college, I totally suppressed it just so I could succeed in the academic world. But after I graduated and started working and dating, I noticed I had a lot of issues with my relationships.

Sought out this wonderful book (which I highly recommend) called "Courage to Heal" by Bass and Davis.

I know how you feel because I feel like that every so often too...just keep in mind, consider yourself NOT a victim, NOT a survivor, but someone WHO IS STRONG...

Wanda's Wings said...

You are a very brave person. Just remain safe around your father. (emotional and physcial) You are a strong women. Don't let anyone tell you different!

survivor said...

Donna - thanks so much for giving me some hope! Take good care of you...

ML - so keep on swimmin girl... I've got my hand out, grab it and lets keep treading together... thanks sweetie

Thanks Marj!

JIP - Glad you also have a safe place, it's such a necissity sometimes. Feeling dirty - does that ever go away?

Anon - I'm so sorry you've been here before and sometimes still end up here. Yes, the Courage to Heal is an incredibly helpful book. I've read it a few times and need to keep reading it. Thanks for reminding me!

Thank you Wanda :)

Chas said...

You may feel alone, but you are not reach out to me, if not me then someone please. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! You were the victim. Please don't give up hope, hold on. Answer this question for me: are you safe now? I hope that you are safe from the horribles. Believe in yourself, just believe in yourself. I love you! ^HuGs^