Wednesday, April 12, 2006

::insert scream of frustation::

Now I'm getting pissed off.

I am sooooo sick of feeling shitty.

I am so sick of being on the verge of tears.

I am so sick of having to put on a happy face while at work.

I am so sick of hurting.

I am so sick of memories.

I am so sick of nightmares.

I am so sick of every damn fucking thing in my life.

I'm pondering the question...

What the FUCK is the point?


Anonymous said...


I have been trying to organise my thoughts since I read this yesterday. trying to think what is the point.
Why do I keep going?
I have been tired and sick of it all more than once, thinking why not just end it. But even though I have seriously considered it two or three times (and not that seriously hundreds of times), I am still here, so there must be a reason.

I can't really come up with an all convicing reason.

I think there have been different reasons at different times.
Now, I think a part of me never gives up on the possibility that one day I might be happy.
As I said before when I am down, hitting bottom I know it will pass, I will get out of there.
The same way I have some hope that I can do this, that I can get through this hurt, this pain. That one day the nightmares will stop and I'll be done with the memories. That I will bend things my way.
Then, I hope, I won't feel worthless anymore, I won't feel shitty, I won't be scared.

It has been a long time sice I started dealing with my problems, though it hasn't been a steady process, there have been long periods of time of putting everyhting apart, which probably haven't been good for me, but at the time was all I could do.
I can see now that some things have changed, I have more resources, I feel more capable of doing this, I am more certain that I will get there, and even the process of it has become less painful.

Of course I have terrible downs, but even those are getting more manageable.

So, in summary I guess what I am saying, is if you think that what you have now is what you will ever have and feel, then I would say there is no point. But if you think that things can be different, then there is a point. You can feel good, you have in the past enyojed life.
So, if you think that it can be like that most of the time then there is a point.

I am sorry you have to go through all this. I am sorry I have to, I am sorry anyone has to. Is not fair.
Unfortunately is the way it is. I have wondered endlessly about why; why is it this way. What I have I done wrong, what do I do wrong.
I think the answer is nothing. The wrong was never on me was on my father.
What do I keep doing worng, why do I still hurt anf feel like this?
Because is not easy. In a way I/we have to unlearn and learn everyhting.

I think some part of you knows this, and knows there is a point, that is possible o feel better (even happy). That is why you started with the process.
Look for it again, don't let the hurt, and other bad feelings, bury it.

Revolutionary Blogger said...

"Over the years I have developed a picture of what a human being living humanely is like. She is a person who understand, values and develops her body, finding it beautiful and useful; a person who is real and is willing to take risks, to be creative, to manifest competence, to change when the situation calls for it, and to find ways to accommodate to what is new and different, keeping that part of the old that is still useful and discarding what is not."
--Virginia Satir