Friday, May 19, 2006

Pep Talk

I'm off to New York tomorrow for a week.

I've been really scared and nervous for the past few weeks as I'm going to New York with my father and his wife. His wife offered the trip as a way for me to get away from everything for a while, and by everything they mean the separation and pending divorce. They paid for the plane ticket and hotel for me and I just couldn't turn it down.

On many levels I wish did decline the offer.

I'm terrified that he is going to manipulate a situation so we are alone together. Terrified that he's going to say something triggering or touch me inappropriately. Scared to death that I will turn into that scared little girl and freeze if he does do anything.

I won't freeze. I can't let myself. I NEED to stand up and tell him NO! You can't touch me or say things like that to me, it's wrong and I won't allow it.

I would love it if I could just say... OK y'know what, DON'T! DON'T EVER fucking touch me again. DON'T EVER fucking say those things to me again.

I'm afraid I won't be able to.

I'm terrified that I might have to.

I KNOW I absolutely need to.

If I don't, I'll be back to where I started. I'll take so many steps backwards in my healing. I can't let that happen.

I CAN say something if I need to.

I CAN protect myself.

I WILL protect myself.

My counsellor used what I call the "D card" - we talked about this during our last session and the importance of protecting myself. The "D card" is my counsellor being disappointed in me if I don't protect myself. Hearing her say she's disappointed was almost catastrophic the first (and hopefully the last) time, I couldn't handle disappointing her and myself at the same time. I was a wreck for days after that. I know she said it because it's an incredible driving force for me to protect myself. I don't really like the pressure of the "D card" but I know it's that needed push to ensure I do stand up and protect myself.


I have to...

On a side note, take care everyone. And ML - it's NOT YOUR FAULT.


Anonymous said...

You shouldn't have to protect yourself.
He's your father. It was his duty to protect you and he not only failed in this, but he abused his power over you and took advantage of your love for him.

I don't know you from Adam (or Eve, as the case may be)and I have just stumbled over here for the first time, but I have to ask, "Why are you even in contact with this man?" He forfeited his rights as a father when he abused you. You are under no obligation to talk to him, or even to explain yourself if you cut off contact.

Of course, this is just my opinion. However I'm sure we all know that pedophiles and rapists never stop, they never learn their lesson and even if they say they're sorry they aren't really. Sorry they got caught, perhaps, not sorry for the pain they've caused. Knowing this, why bother with him? It sounds like this trip to "get away form it all" will actually plunk you right down in the thick of it.

Sorry if this sounds really judgmental. I'm just really pissed off that your Dad would do this to you.

Killer B said...

Survivor, I'm new to your site, but I nevertheless wish you a lot of luck and believe you WILL be able to handle what comes your way. I'm impressed by your strength and self knowledge, and I hope this weekend will be something positive for you. I linked you on my site so that others might also be able to gain strength from you. I wish you the best this weekend.


survivor said...

Dear Anon,

No worries, you pose some excellent questions, questions for which I don't have answers, except this - I am in contact with him because I hope above all hopes that he will one day apologize to me for what he did. It's a pointless hope because it is never going to happen, but a want nonetheless.

Thank you for expressing your opinions and I do hope you come back to my site and continue to share your thoughts.

Take care,


survivor said...

Thank you Killer B - I'll check out your site! Thanks for linking to me.

Have a great weekend

Breeya said...

Dear Survivor,

I really do hope that you are able to set the limits and protect yourself.
I actually feel anxious for you, because I know how terrifying all must be now.
You have gone a long way healing now, I hope you are now in a position to do this.

Abuot disapointing, yourself and others as your counsellor. Although I know my view on this doest no matter much, I won´t be disspointed if you don´t. I will be sorry that you are faced with him, before is the right time, and that you have to struggle with the consecuences of that. Face more difficulties for something that as anon said shouldn´t had happened in the first place.

On the other hand I will very proud that you do. I really really hope you do, I "feel" that you might be in a position to do it, and I hope that if you are just close to be there yuo can find in yourself to push forward so you can come back with the benefits of having done it.

About anon´s comment, maybe I am reading things the way I want, but I think it is jugdamental on him, not you.
I find reasuring more than jugdamental to hear that you don´t owe him anyhting, that you have no abligation to talk to him.
When I decided to stop contact with my father I faced a lot of pressure from my family.
For a long time, members of the family, how know what he did, would asked me if I was going to see him everytime I went back home. When I said no, they would try talking me into it, a few times they tricked me into it. They called for me to meet them not telling me he was with them.

Best wishes.
I really hope the trip goes fine, and yuo get somethign positive out of it.
I can´t express how much i wish so. I think I am moved by an irrational feeling that if I wish it enough it will help you. I guess is just that I would like to be able to help.

jumpinginpuddles said...

holding your hand from a huge distance, we told our father yesterday when he asked for us to stay overnight we said no dad we can talk in a resturant in daylight but we wont be staying over at your place not now not ever.
And you know what it felt SOOO GOOOD. Take courage and take a breath and use the d card


Marj aka Thriver said...

Sa'de--I'm so proud of you! Great job setting boundaries! You know, Survivor, that update of mine that you commented on (thanks!) about when I told my mother, "Please do not touch me without my permission?" That was the FIRST TIME I ever had the nerve to do that! If I can do it, you can too. I understand about getting away and taking a break. I just hope you do whatever you have to in order to stay safe. Oh, I'm thinking of you so much right now in NY. Sending safety vibes.