I'm off to New York tomorrow for a week.
I've been really scared and nervous for the past few weeks as I'm going to New York with my father and his wife. His wife offered the trip as a way for me to get away from everything for a while, and by everything they mean the separation and pending divorce. They paid for the plane ticket and hotel for me and I just couldn't turn it down.
On many levels I wish did decline the offer.
I'm terrified that he is going to manipulate a situation so we are alone together. Terrified that he's going to say something triggering or touch me inappropriately. Scared to death that I will turn into that scared little girl and freeze if he does do anything.
I won't freeze. I can't let myself. I NEED to stand up and tell him NO! You can't touch me or say things like that to me, it's wrong and I won't allow it.
I would love it if I could just say... OK y'know what, DON'T! DON'T EVER fucking touch me again. DON'T EVER fucking say those things to me again.
I'm afraid I won't be able to.
I'm terrified that I might have to.
I KNOW I absolutely need to.
If I don't, I'll be back to where I started. I'll take so many steps backwards in my healing. I can't let that happen.
I CAN say something if I need to.
I CAN protect myself.
I WILL protect myself.
My counsellor used what I call the "D card" - we talked about this during our last session and the importance of protecting myself. The "D card" is my counsellor being disappointed in me if I don't protect myself. Hearing her say she's disappointed was almost catastrophic the first (and hopefully the last) time, I couldn't handle disappointing her and myself at the same time. I was a wreck for days after that. I know she said it because it's an incredible driving force for me to protect myself. I don't really like the pressure of the "D card" but I know it's that needed push to ensure I do stand up and protect myself.
I CAN AND WILL.
I have to...
On a side note, take care everyone. And ML - it's NOT YOUR FAULT.