Saturday, April 08, 2006

Isn't it lovely?

So now I'm fighting with my boyfriend. It's our first fight, argument, whatever.

I don't have the patience for this.

He's pissed at me for not showing up last night. In my defense, I told him I'd call him if I was going, I didn't call him so therefore, I wasn't going. Simple!

Now he's twice as mad because I said I wasn't sure if I was going to the BBQ tonight. I told him I'm in a "mood." He said "what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I sighed and told him that I didn't really want to be around people right now. His reply "what, I'm just people? I guess I don't count for anything do I?" I didn't say anything for a few minutes and we sat in silence on the phone. I finally said "Fine, I'll go. But I'm taking my own car and if I want to leave I'm leaving."

So, guess I'm going to the BBQ, at least to show face for an hour or two and then take off and go back to bed where I've been since I got off work on Friday.

I really don't want to go. But I guess we do things we don't want to do sometimes to make the people in our lives happy.

Maybe it will be good for me right now to be around people instead of isolating myself and wallowing in self pity.

I don't know.

I don't know much of anything anymore...


The Missing Link said...


hi sweetie... so sorry you are having such dark and difficult days... wish i could take it all away from you. if this helps at all, everything you write TOTALLY makes sense. i know that we understand that about each other, so please, i beg you, to NEVER discount your feelings because you are not alone in feeling them. & while i hate how much everything hurts, how deep i feel the memories cut the insides of my heart and soul, the ONLY thing that helps me is knowing that:


we are on the same wavelength w/the numbness being bliss part... if feeling so many confusing highs & lows is so draining and painful, then why even bother feeling them at all? why torture ourselves w/this pain & turmoil? why not just smoke a bowl (or do a line in my case) and color the world a lovely shade of intoxicated and loaded?

before i forget, though, i want to mention that i experienced incredible mood swings & horrible nightmares when i stopped smoking pot. i also thought it would be easier to just reload, roll a blunt, and get lost in my make-believe happy world again. but i knew i had to feel everything because it has been so many fucking years that i havent let myself feel anything at all.

and in a weird, twisted way, i guess just feeling numb to everything we have survived thus far in our young and innocent lives is probably the most draining and taxing feeling of all... it is the one feeling that has to work soooo fucking hard to keep all of the other feelings shoved way deep down.

damn - i cant believe i just wrote that...

but it makes sense, doesn't it?

thats why all i want these days is a line or a pill or a bowl or a drink... but i know i cant have it for some reason... for my angel that went into hiding during my rape... i have to stay clean and sober for her... well, clean anyway... uh... i guess pot is okay since its natural, right? think ill be needing to reload shortly -

take care of yourself... ill be thinking about you and hoping you keep muscling through the days...

ive been struggling just as hard lately, so please trust you are not alone...

this all just fucking sucks, doesnt it?

but we will get through this.

we ARE getting through this.

it just hurts along the way sometimes...

email me if you need to talk at all...


Anonymous said...


I am sorry about the fight with your boyfriend, I guess is not really what you needed.
relationshios are difficult sometimes, especially when you are going through what you are goint through.
It is difficult for both of you.
After a lot of arguing and fighting and talking with my boyfriend I have more or less come to realise how difficult is for someone who hasn´t been through anything like that to understand. Well, I guess you can get that as well from friends reactions and comments.
I have come to realise that when I do get like that, I cut myself off, he gets scared, insecured.
It seems to him that everyhting he done to hel, to support to be there for me, is gone and that I don´t apreciate it, or even worse, that I don´t want it anymore.
Of course when it happens he never says this clearly, he gets annoyed with me, and kind of "demands" that I behave differently. (so I get to think i am "feeling wrong" again)
I have heard many comments on the lines of what, I'm just people? I guess I don't count for anything do I?".
And I have found myself angry with him to even say anything like that when I am sinking that low.

I don´t know how much your boyfriend knows about what you are going through, I guess it takes a lot of explaining for him to understand.
Things with my boyfriend got better once I persuade him to read about the topic.
This took a lot, it actually took a break up, but obviously it doesn´t have to come to that.
I think he used to take all my reactions personally, as if me feeling that way had to do with something he had done, or not done. He just couldn´t accpept that I would be fine one day and hidding in bed the next.
I am not sure he really does understand now.
He sometimes insists on things that he thinks are supportive or that show care but that I find stressing or afixiating.
It is hard to explain that support is giving someone what they need, even when that means space to be alone.
And when and why you need it shouldn´t be questioned.
I am not very good at epxlaining this, so the way I think I finally got it across was when I ask him if he cold just thing of those mood swins as an accident.
I mean if we had plans, a dinner a party a trip whatever, and I was hit by a car he wouldn´t hold it againts me. Well, this is a bit like that, is something that is out of your control "hitting" you, and if leaves you in a deplorable state.
(Actually I think I would rather being hit by a car)

I understand that probably right now you dont want to get into all that, you don´t want to have a long difficult chat about about all this.
But maybe at some point you will feel like it.
Don´t pressure yourself, it has to be on your own time.
AS I said things are difficult for both of you sometimes, but you have to look after yourself first.
This doesn´t mean that you don´t care, or that you are selfish. It means keeping a balance.
I am sure he does watchout for himself too. i think in general we, survivors, are less caring about ourself that most people.

I guess you weighted things when you decided to go to the BBQ.
You are right we all do things for the people we care about. Just make sure you don´t end up resenting them for it, or yourself.
One of things that I find most difficult is to set my boundaries, and that subtle balance of what I can do to make things right between us at a particular time that is not going to make things worse in the long run.
Nowadays I am being, or trying to be more selfish("no" is a word that I don´t use half as much as I should).

Anyway this only an opinion and I wouldn´t dare to say that I have any answers to relationship problems.
I sometimes express my opinions or my experinces as if they were more than that, as if there was some kind of universal truth in them. So be critic with anyhting I say.

I hope the BBQ turned out ok, I think sometimes are things like that that break the circle. That lift you ust enough to start to get back on your fit.
(Sometimes it doesn´t work, and is dishearting to go through with it)

survivor said...

Anon - You are very wise in your suggestions. I did have a conversation with my boyfriend and he has a better understanding of what is going on with me.

He said I can talk to him about any of it at any time, that he has large soft shoulders and he has an ear just for me!

I'm learning some key things from you and for that I thank you!

Take good care of you, you deserve it!