Monday, May 08, 2006



I scared my boyfriend Friday night. I had a dream. I don't remember the dream. Saturday morning he told me I scared the hell out of him. I apologized.

In the middle of the night I started whimpering, mumbling and shaking my head no in my sleep. I started thrashing and flailing my limbs violently. He said I jumped, caught about a foot of air and fell back on my bed. He said I curled up in the fetal position and a few tears ran down my face as I continued sleeping.

I don't remember the dream.

Saturday night I had another dream. I remember this one.

I was in my basement, HE was there. Everything looked the same as it did THAT night... we had the fire going, When a Man Loves a Woman was on the television. He had me pinned, my hands under his knees and I was kicking and shaking my head and crying and screaming for help.

There I was on the couch. There HE was on top of me. The REAL me was watching from the middle of the room. The REAL me tried to scream, tried to reach me, but couldn't. It was like I was behind a glass wall and there was nothing I could do. I felt completely helpless. I couldn't save me. I felt like a failure.

During the dream I was kicking again, and moaning/whimpering.

The dream played out exactly the same as when HE raped me. When HE penetrated me is when I woke up. I jumped and was hyperventilating. I was terrified. It took me a few seconds to realize it was my boyfriend holding me. I closed my eyes and forced myself to take slow deep breaths until I was calmed down enough to pretend to be normal. I turned on my TV and made myself concentrate on an infomercial.

It's no surprise I'm exhausted. I had the identical dream again last night, not sure if I was jumping or kicking or moaning in my sleep as I was alone, but I did bolt upright and I've been awake ever since.

My doctor prescribed Clonazepam (Rivotril) to help with sleep and the nightmares. I'm hesitant to take it as I firmly believe the stuff I refuse to process or deal with during the day comes out when I'm sleeping and it's helping me in it's own terrifying way.


jumpinginpuddles said...

im real deeply sorry ya got hurt so bad an im sorry ya suferin in ya sleep an i am sory ya are struglin in that. Jus letin ya know we ar walkin the journey with ya

survivor said...

Thanks jip