Thursday, August 31, 2006

Session Flashback ****possible triggers****

Super tough session with T yesterday. It all started with me telling T last session that I needed to talk about my boyfriend and our relationship and sex but we didn't get to it, so we talked about some other things first and then got to the boyfriend stuff.

It took me about 5 minutes to actually spit it out, and when I said it the words came out at a million miles a second and thank God T didn't ask me to repeat it. "IcanttellmyboyfriendthatsometimesIdontwantsexorthatsometimeshedoes
somethingandithurts" I closed my eyes and scrunched up my face while saying it so I could just imagine how hard T had to be listening to understand. We talked about how I'm afraid that if I tell him I'm not in the mood he will just ignore it and pursue sex anyway. I know that he wouldn't do that, that he would respect me and not persist, but it's such a real fear, when I even think about the possibility of telling him that I get all panicky and scared. T asked what I would do if I said no and he still tried regardless... enter stage left the worst flashback I've EVER HAD!!

It felt almost like I was punched in the gut, all the air was sucked out of me and I was absolutely terrified. My leg started shaking and my entire body was instantly tense. I was aware of my surroundings and where I was but at the same time I was back in my basement with Byron's fist hitting my face. It was really weird and I thought I was going insane. You know dream sequences in cheesy movies, where the scene gets cloudy/blurry except for the middle where the dream is taking place? That's kind of like what it was and nothing I have ever experienced before.

I've seen my rape replay before, it's felt like it's happening all over again - but not to this extreme. It really scared me to my core.

T asked if I was OK, I said no. T scooted her chair closer to me and was directly in front of me. I couldn't look at T, couldn't make eye contact. I remember T talking to me, telling me I was safe, that it's not really happening. I don't know if I said it out loud or just thought it over and over "I don't feel safe." I described what was happening and asked if seeing it like a movie was normal, which T said it was.

T told me I did everything right. I survived. I told her I stopped fighting after he hit me and just froze, doing nothing. T said that was perfect, that was exactly what I was supposed to do because I survived. I heard myself say that if only I fought him a little harder or for one more minute he might have stopped... the second those words passed my lips I heard how ridiculous it sounded but at the same time how I really believe that. Double-thinking.

I vaguely remember T talking to me after she moved her chair across from me. I remember her asking me if I could feel the floor beneath my foot and the calmness of her voice. I think that's what helped bring me back. I'm incredibly thankful that I didn't experience that alone because I think the flashback would have swallowed me whole and consumed every last cell.

I don't remember much else about the session. Once I was calmed down enough to partially function T said our time was up. We booked the next session and when I got to my car and looked at the clock I saw we had gone over by 30 minutes. I had no idea! That freaked me out, I had lost time? Was I really as aware of what was happening as I thought I was? Where did the hell did those 30 minutes go?

I don't remember a time being so emotionally exhausted, so much so it affected me physically. I felt like I had run a 100 mile marathon. My body was like dead weight, and still kind of is. I felt like I had cried for hours, yet not a tear was shed with T.

Instead, I cried my way home.

Monday, August 28, 2006

So much can happen in so little time...

It's been a week since I last posted but it feels like a lifetime ago.

One my dearest friends has moved away. It was a very sad day last Thursday as we said our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch while he is away for a year. I know it's only a year and with the Internet it will be almost like he's still here, I will miss him terribly. He has a way of keeping me grounded and bringing the "real" me out...

The session with T last week went rather well. I was shocked really as I was almost ready to give up. I didn't talk to her about what I had mentioned previously but I felt more in control of the session and what we talked about than I ever have with T. We spent a lot of time talking about how I perceive myself to be the rock and how I'm responsible for everything, even things beyond my control. T challenged me in ways I haven't been challenged before and it helped to see from a different perspective how ridiculous that really is. I'm further along in understanding that I'm not responsible for my father, for Byron (the rape) or for my ex-husband. Further along, but so far away...

I talked to my sister yesterday. We haven't spoken in almost a year, and if it wasn't for my niece or nephew I wouldn't have talked to her. I actually went and saw them yesterday as well. It was incredible seeing the kids again. My niece ran up to me and jumped in my arms and gave me a huge hug... I didn't want to let her go! I can't believe how much she has grown, she's a beautiful little girl.

My nephew of course ran and hid when I got there. I had to go find him, which was rather easy because he was giggling. We did the knuckle shake (closed fist banged against the others close fist) and I gave him a noogie! He's grown a lot too and put on some weight which is awesome - the kid was skin and bones last time I saw him. We spent a lot of time talking and he talked to me about how much he hates school, and how his parents treat him (which is like crap) I choked back tears talking to him because he's my little man, not so little anymore I guess though, he's 13! I missed him like crazy. He said he missed having me to talk to because I'm cool and easy to talk to! He also asked when I was going to take him shopping because I'm the coolest Auntie and find the coolest clothes!! What a kid!

This week is going to be super busy. My boyfriend and I are going to Vancouver and Tofino for a week. I'm getting excited, more-so to take him there and see the look on his face when we get into Vancouver. The biggest city he has ever been in is the one we live in, and a million people is really not that big!

I'm also looking forward to the in person session with C. I remember last year in our first face to face I was beyond terrified and spent most of the time forcing myself to act calm. This time it will be different, we've been working together for over a year and I'm really comfortable with C. I want to delve into some heavy stuff during the two hour session but I don't really know where to start. Do I talk about how I'm discovering how the SA is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend? Do I talk about memories and the awful things he did to me? The nightmares? Or all of it?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

My Passion: Photography

I love photography. It's something I find completely relaxing and allows me to share my views of some of the most beautiful things in the world.

My Passion: Photography

Monday, August 21, 2006


I was watching Nanny 911 - what can I say, I LOVE that show!! The family dynamics and watching the changes and the resistance of the family while attempting the changes is fascinating.

So, I was watching Nanny 911 and here was this family all settled down on the couch, the kids in their PJ's sitting on their parents laps being read a bedtime story, it was the picture of perfect... And all I could do was cry.

I felt sad and a great sense of loss. Pain.

I remember those nights before everything changed. I remember sitting on my fathers knee while he read to me, I remember being excited and happy. I remember feeling safe.

I remember when everything changed. When I became a terrified little girl. When sitting on my fathers knee made me feel scared. I remember not feeling safe with his arms around me. I remember the seemingly innocent touches, him watching me get dressed. I remember the first time he put his fingers there and how much it hurt.

I remember going to an outdoor carnival when I was 5 or 6. It's here every summer, but that particular summer a man and a women were abducting children from the carnival. I remember my mother warning me not to wander off because I could get taken. My parents put a sticker on the back of my shirt, one of those if lost please take to such and such place. I remember taking that sticker off and running away. I remember wishing that those people would take me away because it couldn't get any worse. I remember my parents finding me and the spanking I got. I remember my father taking me into a bathroom and hurting me telling me I'm getting what I deserved because I'm such a bad little girl. I remember thinking for the first time that I wished I was dead.

Watching that family made me really sad. It was a reminder of just how much I lost. How much we all lost as children. How much it affects us in our adults lives.

I often wonder what kind of parent I'll be. Will I be a good mom? I like to think that I will. I'm going to give my children everything I didn't have; safety, security, love, kindness, respect... at the same time I fear I will be over protective and suspicious of every man they have contact with, including their father. That scares me...

Saturday, August 19, 2006


I had an incredible dream.

I've been exhausted, I spent the week working in the office, and with starting at 5am I've been dragging myself out of bed at 3:30am meaning I've had almost no sleep all week.

I slept last night. A deep, sweet slumber. It was incredible.

I dreamt about being cared for. About crying, sobbing uncontrollably and having someone hold me. Rubbing my back and just holding me. They didn't talk, just held me. I've never felt so loved or cared for in my life, and even though it was a dream, it was truly amazing.

I cried and cried and just talked. Told them all the horrible things my father did to me. Talked about the rape and how much it hurt and still hurts. How much pain I'm in, how sad and broken I feel. I was real, and this person let me be real and it was amazing.

God, how much I want that in real life.

Friday, August 18, 2006


I saw T yesterday. I was so uncomfortable; I really didn't want to be there. I found myself angry for some reason and incredibly closed off.

I'm also finding myself frustrated with T. I don't think we mesh very well. I feel like she doesn't really hear me or let me talk. She leads every session without giving me the opportunity to talk about something I may need to talk about. But at the same time, I won't talk about anything anyway. I'm not comfortable with her. I find her kind of creepy actually! A few sessions back T talked about ****possible triggers**** sexual arousal being normal when experiencing sexual abuse and she compared it to changing a babies diaper. She said when cleaning a penis a little boy can have an erection from the stimulation but that it is completely innocent and a normal reaction. That absolutely freaked me out; I didn't tell her that though. I don't feel safe in her home office. And while talking about it she was kind of giggling, out of nerves or maybe from the look on my face, I don't know. I felt safe at one point. I really don't know what is going on with me. When I asked T why she would offer a reduced rate she talked for about 10 minutes about how I'm such a special person and she cares... it was a load of bullshit really. The way she talks to me, I dunno, I feel like she's lying to my face trying to boost me up and I'm not buying it. Should I talk to her about it?

Friday, August 11, 2006

Still here

I'm still here, still in that dark awful place I so desperately want out of.

I'm tired of hurting. I'm sick of being depressed, the overwhelming sadness.

My DR has increased my antidepressant. I am now almost at the maximum dose, I started taking the increase yesterday so it will be a few weeks at least before I notice any changes. I'm hoping beyond all hope that this will work.

I saw T yesterday. It was a really tough session because I told her about my suicidal thoughts. She was really kind and caring as we talked about it for a while. When I started talking about how I felt and have been feeling, my voice started to shake and the dam almost burst. I stopped myself and held in the tears. I also stopped really talking about it, and kept everything surface level. T offered to reduce her rate so I would be able to go weekly instead of every two weeks so the sessions would be more helpful and we can really delve into everything. I took her up on the offer and thanked her profusely.

C and I have also agreed to keep working together, one or two sessions per month. I'm really glad C agreed as it was incredibly anxiety inducing to know we were terminating. I'm not ready to give up C's support, and admitting that was so incredibly hard because it was admitting again that I need help and that makes me feel super vulnerable, which I absolutely hate feeling... but it's good...

Sunday, August 06, 2006

A 4 year old

I spent time with my boyfriend's family yesterday. His cousin just had a baby, 3 weeks old, and has another daughter who just turned 4.

My boyfriend and I bought her a bike for her birthday. She was so happy, jumping around giggling. Full of life. Full of sweet innocence and trust.

I spent hours playing with her, pushing her on her bike all around the house. I held the baby for a while, and just stared at her while she slept in my arms.

It was glorious and heart wrenching.

I sat there watching the 4 year old little girl imagining myself at that age. How precious and vulnerable she is. How trusting and how much she needed her parents to take care of her. How much she needed all of us to take care of her and love her.

How could anyone want to hurt something so precious?

I can't put into words the pain and sadness I feel. The incredible loss.

I was just a little girl. A 4 year old girl when he came to my room for the first time. When he climbed into bed with me and held me close and started touching me I remember feeling scared and confused. I remember not liking it, but it was my DADDY. He was my hero. He was the man who would wake me up before he went to work so we could have breakfast together, Count Chocula cereal and strawberry jelly on toast. He was the man who would hold me on his knee and read me bedtime stories, changing the characters name to my own to make it more exciting. He was the man who would kiss my boo-boos better and wipe away my tears. He was the man who was hurting me at night, doing unthinkable things to a 4 year old girl.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

I'm OK

I wanted to let you all know that I'm OK..

Friday, August 04, 2006

Falling down

Possible Triggers

I'm incredibly sad today, I can feel the tears welling behind my eyes but I won't let me them fall.

My boyfriend kept touching me this morning, hugging me, putting his hand on my knee. I wanted to scream STOP TOUCHING ME. I still want to scream it even though I'm alone and there's no one to hear. I expect him to read my mind, or at least my body language, I was stiff as a board, not moving a single muscle every time he touched me. I wouldn't look at him, couldn't look at him.

Can't hide the pain in my eyes. Can't look at myself in the mirror.

I've been at a low. A really bad low for a few weeks.

High risk. Suicide.

There was a part of me that wanted to fight, to live, it kept saying don't let those bastards win.

I can't find that today.

I've been thinking of the things that make life worth living... things I love

My dogs
My boyfriend
My guinea pig!
The ocean and mountains and trees
The song of birds

I spent time looking at pictures from a vacation last year to Tofino and Vancouver, I wanted to remind myself of the greatness and beauty in the world. Reminding myself that if I hang on for a few more weeks I'll be there again, in the places that feel like home.

"Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down"

I'm scared. I feel alone. Hopeless.

I'm hanging on to one frayed thread. I know deep in my heart this won't last forever. It will get better.

It's a hard road, but I'm gonna keep walking. Even if I have to start crawling. I'm not gonna give up. I can't.

But I desperately want to. I'm sick of falling down.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Why is this happening?

Police hunt T.O. pedophile
Prairie boys last seen with suspect
Repeat offender released last summer
Aug. 1, 2006. 06:08 AM

A convicted pedophile from Toronto is being hunted by police following the abduction of a 10-year-old Saskatchewan boy.
The RCMP issued a Canada-wide warrant yesterday for 35-year-old Peter Whitmore in the abduction of Zachary Miller of Whitewood, who hasn't been seen since Sunday. An Amber Alert was issued the same day.
"We believe the boy may come to harm," said RCMP Sergeant Tammy Patterson in Regina. "That's why we've issued the alert."
Patterson said RCMP were not aware Whitmore was in Saskatchewan until they began investigating Zachary's disappearance.
Police said Whitmore — notorious in Ontario for abducting and molesting children — is also believed to be travelling with 14-year-old Jordan Bruyere. He was last seen on July 22 in Brandon, Man., and is the subject of a missing persons report.
Whitmore's apparent involvement in the boys' disappearance is again raising questions about Canada's ability to deal with repeat sexual offenders who finish serving their time.
"When he was released in 2005 ... the experts at Correctional Services said he had a 100 per cent chance of re-offending," Steve Sullivan of the Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime said yesterday.
The centre has long sought revisions to the Criminal Code that would allow the courts to deem chronic pedophiles dangerous offenders — and jail them indefinitely — when their prison terms expire. As it stands, a dangerous offender application can only be made during sentencing and only for crimes that command prison terms of 10 years or more. None of Whitmore's crimes have merited such a sentence, but his criminal record is extensive.
In 1993, he was convicted of abduction and five sexual offences involving four young boys in Toronto and spent 16 months in custody. Nine days after his release, he took an 8-year-old girl from Guelph to Toronto, and was sentenced to more than 4 1/2 years in jail.
Less than a month after his November 2000 release, he was found in a downtown Toronto motel with a 13-year-old boy. He was sentenced to one year in jail.
In 2002, a Toronto judge sentenced him to three years' jail for probation violations because he fled to B.C. after being found in the company of a 5-year-old boy. The violations included the fact he was carrying a "rape kit" in his backpack that included latex gloves, pictures of young children, tubes of jelly lubricant, duct tape, a sleeping bag and plastic zipper ties that can be used as handcuffs.
Whitmore was released on June 16, 2005, after serving his entire three-year sentence and took up residence in Chilliwack, where an aunt lives.
His former lawyer, Daniel Brodsky, said Whitmore's modus operandi has always been to groom his targets over a period of time. He's never snatched somebody and run, he said.
Brodsky, who urged his former client to surrender immediately, had harsh words for police in Alberta, the province where Whitmore last had contact with authorities.
He claimed Whitmore moved to a town near Edmonton to serve out a peace bond that came with stringent conditions. When the peace bond ended in June, police didn't try and negotiate another, but allegedly ran Whitmore out of town, he said.
"Somebody dropped the ball and did the NIMBY thing," said Brodsky, adding that Whitmore desperately needs close supervision.
Critics of the way Canada's justice system deals with pedophiles and child exploitation say Whitmore's case illustrates the need for much tougher restrictions.
David Butt, a former crown attorney and now a spokesperson for Beyond Borders, an international group that works to end child exploitation, said the law has not kept up with expert understanding of why pedophiles are dangerous.
"These people are a constant danger," said Butt. "We need a criminal justice system that is much more robust in identifying these kinds of people so that proper long-term monitoring can be put in place."
As things stand now, he said, dangerous and long-term offender status is predicated on somebody committing a number of serious crimes.
"If we wait until that happens, effectively we are waiting until some child is seriously sexually assaulted or even killed," he said, urging the need for pro-active monitoring.
The debate raging in legal circles in Canada, which has convicted some 40,000 pedophiles over a 20-year period, including 4,000 considered high risk, also includes the question of whether they can even be treated effectively.
In a recent Star series, mental health experts said there is no evidence that any treatment, including chemical castration, is truly effective for high-risk pedophiles.
Some prosecutors say a pedophile shouldn't simply be allowed back into the community. That's when the long, complicated process of designating somebody as a dangerous offender begins.
Another problem is the awkward definition of long-term offender, which talks of the "reasonable possibility of eventual control of the risk in the community." It's a definition some forensic psychiatrists call unwieldy and problematic.
In Whitmore's case, after a long series of brushes with the law, Toronto Police tried and failed in 2001 to get a judge to make him wear an electronic bracelet as a tracking device.
When Whitmore left Alberta in June, it wasn't the first time he was "chased" out of town.
Six years ago, Whitmore was hounded out of a west Toronto neighbourhood after residents found out from police that he was living there.
After that came a startling appeal on national television.
"I want to take treatment," Whitmore told CTV's Canada AM.
"It's going to be very hard to take treatment if I'm moving from town to town."

with files from Canadian Press

Why is this happening? What the hell is wrong with the government and judicial system?

100 per cent chance of re-offending - Well we'll just let him out so he can prey on MORE innocent children. Lets give this bastard more rights than his victims.

This makes me so angry. I can't even put it into words.