Friday, September 30, 2005

Lost Innocence

That little girl is gone.

She disappeared the day it happened.

What is left is insurmountable pain, sadness, anger and hate.

Incest and Child Sexual Abuse is such a taboo. It's rarely talked about. Victims are usually left to suffer in silence. If we do speak up, we are rarely heard, or believed.

I spent the whole of my childhood living in fear. Not understanding what I did to deserve this. Always trying to be the perfect daughter so maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't hurt me that night. I was Daddy's special girl, his favorite he used to tell me, that's why we have our secret play times, because I was special. I didn't want to be special, I didn't want to be his favorite, I didn't want to be hurt anymore.

I blame myself for being special. For being a beautiful, innocent little girl. Imagine being a child and wanting to die. Imagine saying your bedtimes prayers pleading with God, trying to make deals with God, offering him your dog so you can have just one night without being hurt. Now imagine those prayers not being answered.

I was just a little girl.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

the beginning of the end

I was fours years old when it started.

I was a happy and vibrant little girl who had pigtails.

I would wake up ready to take on the world and any adventure that came my way.

I spent my days chasing butterflies, playing with my dog in the field, hide and go seek and tag at the park with my friends.

I was innocent.

I was happy.

I was a little girl.