Thursday, April 06, 2006

Weight of it all

I've been thinking about this a lot for the past few weeks and I'm no further ahead then what I was.

A part of me wants to give up healing, to walk away entirely and forget about it. I really didn't know what I was getting into when I decided to give counselling a shot. I thought it would be a couple of easy fixes and away I go for another twenty some odd years until I needed more help. I tried to prepare myself, but I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't expecting things to get worse, for the flashbacks to increase ten fold, for memories to become more vivid, to have more fears surface, to feel weaker and more needier than I ever have. To feel like everyone can see RAPE and ABUSED scrolling across my face in a flashing neon sign.

I've been in counselling for a few days shy of a year and the closer that one year mark looms, the more I feel like a failure. It should be the exact opposite really... I've accomplished a lot in one year.

I asked for a divorce from my husband.
I'm not as closed off as I used to be - more open and honest...
I can name a few feelings.
I've cried 3 times, which is more than I can remember doing in 20 years.
I've had moderate success with preventing self harm.
I've had moderate success with drug abuse.

I can list those, look at them and shrug my shoulders. BIG FUCKING DEAL! I can say that I'm sad or angry or depressed. I told an asshole to fuck off and get out of my life. I haven't cut or burned myself in like a month. I haven't smoked a joint in over a month.


I'm just REALLY FUCKING ANGRY. I guess it has finally hit me just HOW MUCH all of these things have affected me. How utterly fucked up I am.

If a man brushes up against me, even an innocent touch, I freeze. It scares the fuck out of me. I can't look most men in the eye, I don't trust them, and the little trust some of them do have it will take next to nothing to break it. I can't walk alone after dark without being so scared the tiniest noises makes me jump. I can't stand being home alone because I'm afraid HE will show up since he's back in the city. Even kissing my boyfriend freaks me out SO FUCKING MUCH sometimes that my skin crawls and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I won't even talk about what effects sex has...

And STILL, after almost a fucking YEAR I STILL can't really talk about this stuff with my counsellor which just makes me even more frustrated and ready to give up. If I can't talk to my counsellor, can't even THINK of bringing this shit up with friends, even my best friends, then what's the point? Is there even a point? Even with a few friends who I KNOW genuinely care and want to help I lie to them. They ask how I'm doing, I always say I'm good or OK and change the subject. I can't admit to anyone how I'm really feeling, or what I really want to do... I can't even admit it to myself most of the time...

I want to scream and rant and rave and throw things and cut myself and drink and smoke copious amounts of pot or hash...

I want to be able to allow myself to be angry, to grieve, to curl up and hide, to make it OK to feel everything that I'm feeling, to allow myself to cry, to stop holding all of this in, to be able to talk about it, to feel proud of what I've accomplished instead of seeing everything as negative...

I don't know what I want... a new me maybe?

6 comments:

Holly said...

Dear Survivor,
It takes time, do not be so hard on yourself! Remember to love yourself first, then the healing will begins!
You are a believer so believe in yourself my friend! You know you can get though this, just take the time!
Be kind to you! LOVE YOU FIRST THEN HEAL!

survivor said...

Thanks Holly

Anonymous said...

I have read you blog for the first time today,and after reading todays entry I went back and had a look at your past posts, most of them.
I am an incest survivor too and I have been in and out of counselling for years now.
I think that what you say you have accomplished in the last year is very good. Don´t shrung your shoulders.
Getting out of a bad, abusive relationship is a huge and difficult step.
Gaining control over self harming habits and drug use is also very hard. I still go into phases with the drug use.
Not being so closed off, and being more honest, I think it does say a lot about facing trust and self steem issues, which for me are the hardest.
Naming your feelings and being able to cry. Well, it seems to me that you have spent a lot of time not ever considering that your feelings do matter. It might not seem like a lot, but I would say it is quite important.

A year is not that long, the "unhealthy" ways of coping have been with you for a lot longer.
I guess one just have to keep at it. Is not easy, is not always clear were you are going, but I guess you already know were not doing it leads you.

I did also have a problem to talk with my counsellor about certain things. After some time I just told her that, that there were thigs that i was kind of keping even though i would like to talk about them.
Some time after that I started talking about it. it wasn´t inmediate, and it was more like just dropping things here and there, but it was a start.


I don´t know if any of this is of any interest or use to you. I hope so.

survivor said...

Anon,

Thank you taking the time to read my blog and commenting. Your words have given me a lot to think about and I thank you for that.

You are absolutely correct in saying that I have spent a lot of time not ever considering that my feelings matter. In many ways, they still don't matter.

I'm going to post your comment because right now it's playing on my mind heavily. I'm still processing what you said, but I find your words inspiring and filled with hope.

Thanks!

Holly said...

Dear Survivor,
Anon comment is very touching, and filled with hope as you mentioned! Take care

Katy said...

Hello there,

I found your blog whilst searching through pages regarding the pop singer, Pink, of all things! I hope I am not intruding or being completely naive by writing this comment. I don't have any such experiences as you have been through - I just know the torment from feeling that no one gets you or will listen to: even though your friends say they will be happy to listen, you still don't want to 'burden' them. But that's what your councellor is there for - it's really hard to take the first step and say certain things out loud; but once you do, things will go from there: the first step is admitting your feelings to yourself. And realising how utterly, utterly important those feelings are. If you cannot make your own feelings matter, how can you make anybody else's? A comment was posted earlier saying you have to love yourself first. I know that it's a cliche and is probably the last thing you feel like doing right now, but there really is only one person who can control you and your life: that is YOU. You want this all to go away - you can make it happen, but first you have to realise how much you matter. If you don't matter to yourself, why should you matter to anybody else? This is the first thought you should think! People out there love you - which means you DESERVE to love yourself. I have always thought that I needed to rely on somebody else (a boyfriend etc), but now I realise I have only myself to rely on in order to truly realise how important my life and my recovery actually is.

I hope I'm not being a preacher or being out of line - it's all just words, you can choose to do whatever you would like with them. I hope you choose to carry on talking - that is the only way to rid yourself of the pain.