Friday, May 26, 2006

New York

I'm having a wonderful time, yet finding myself growing more sad and depressed. Scared and exhausted.

I don't understand.

My father has not done or sad anything inappropriate.

I'm in NY, I've seen a Broadway play, spent hours in Central Park and Battery Park. I'm living my dream.

But I'm not enjoying it.

I've been on edge, extremely hypervigilant for a week now.

I want to go home. I want to see my boyfriend whom I miss terribly. I want to play with my dogs. I want to sleep in my own bed.

I don't want to go home. I don't want to walk into that house, walk in that ROOM and be flooded with memories.

I don't know. I'm rambling. There's a million things going on inside of my head, a million feelings, a billion thoughts, I can't seem to pinpoint a single one.

I wish I could just open my mouth and close my eyes and all of the things that are trapped inside of me are released, silently screaming from within and polluting the air around me instead of poisoning my insides.

Fuck.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

5 comments:

DomesticButNotMartha said...

Hello,
I was writing to you because I found your blog through a search. I was a victim of rape & domestic violence earlier this year, and just began an online support network for rape & domestic violence victims. I have had no traffic to the site yet, and would appreciate any help that you could give me, either by referring others to my blog, or joining. The URL is http://domesticbutnotmartha-myjourney.blogspot.com. The blog is a place for victims to share their stories, thoughts, and life stories after the incidents anonymously.

Thank you for your time.

jumpinginpuddles said...

the reason you arent having a blast is because in the bakc of your mind is the worry of what if and thats sooo normal. Because if you dont then what if may occur. Just writing to say we so get it.

Donna said...

Any time I am around my family I cannot be normal. Don't beat yourself up, you are being very brave just being there.

Fallen Angels said...

We get it too. We went to visit the parents last summer..in New York also. Not our childhood home...but still very, very hard. Hang in there.

survivor said...

Thanks everyone.. don't really have the strength right now to reply.

Please know that I appreciate all of your support and compassion. Without it, well... I'd be in worse shape.

Thank you