Friday, April 07, 2006

If Only...

I'm sitting here in the dark, smoking cigarette after cigarette. Holding the smoke, looking at it and wanting to press it against my skin, wanting to feel that momentary sharpness of pain and then relief as the numbness washes over me.

Relief. Beautiful relief.

Real. Tangible. Pain.

Oh how I want to...

It's almost a need.

I'm avoiding everyone. I'm not answering my phone or my cell. I'm supposed to be at my boyfriends place for a party tonight, I'm not going. I'm supposed to go to a BBQ tomorrow night, I'm not going.

I don't even want to be with me right now, let alone around anyone else.

My heart hurts.


Those are the only words I can think of to describe what I'm feeling.

I've written a lot today, but it hasn't really helped. I still have this nagging feeling of wanting to talk. Wanting to get out what I call my poison.

I've hit the bottom. Really hit the bottom this time.

I want out of this body, out this mind, out of these memories.

I want to be reborn.

I want to wash away these years and start fresh.

I want to experience innocence.

I want to experience seeing a rainbow for the first time.

Seeing the sunrise.

Listening to the birds chirping.

Experience it all without pain and memories.


I'm so sad I can't even describe it. The pain inside is ripping me apart. The sadness is crushing me.

Killing my spirit.

I can see the shattered broken shell of me. I can see the dead girl on the inside. I'm running scared and I'm about to the hit the wall. I'm about to shatter into a million pieces but I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to put on the brakes and throw myself into reverse. I'm desperately grasping for something tangible to hold on to, but it's just beyond my reach.

Everything is just inches beyond my reach.

I want to run, as fast as I can, as blindly as I can. I never want to stop. If I can keep running maybe I can keep everything from catching up to me. Maybe it will all be lost in the wind.

I really want to hurt myself right now.

I won't.

I can't.

I have enough emotional scars, I don't need more physical ones to match.

I'm already maimed.

I can't even close my eyes without seeing my father. I can see him clear as day standing over my bed. I can see him hurting me in ways I can't bare to tell.

I feel like I'm going to be sick. Like I'm going to violently vomit.

If only I could puke up all these memories and flush them away.

If only I could take all this pain and throw it out the window.

If only I could cry.

If only I could bring myself to reach and email my counsellor.

If only I could swim instead of sink...


Anonymous said...

I am the same anonymous again.
It is very strange the effect it has on me reading you. I am worried about writting as I´m afraid I might be thinking I understand things when maybe I don´t. Maybe I am just filtering everything you say trough my experiences and thinking that you actually mean what I "want" to understand, that is what I feel.
I am not in the place you are right now, but I have been there. (and unfortunately I know I will be again)
Sometimes I too cut myself off. I can´t bare myself. I wish I didn´t have to live me. I hate my body, my thoughts, my memeories my feelings, everything.
I feel I am my own my prision. I don´t know how I got there, I think someome put me there (my father?, not only, I gues every person who decided not to see, even when told). But now is up to me to get out, and I can´t. I hate being there, but is like there is nowhere else to go, not for me.
I wish I had something to tell you about how to get out the situation, how to come back once we sink, how to stand when we hit bottom.
I don´t know how it is done, I just know it happens. More than once I found myself there, and somehow, maybe in a different way everytime I got out.
That by itself gives some strengh now. When I feel like that, when I think I don´t want to take it anymore, is not worth it. When I think it just shouldn´t be like this, i shouldn´t be like this, life shouldn´t be like this.
At some point, I stop to think about other times when I felt the same, or in a similar way. And I realise that in between one time and another there have been some good moments. There have been changes.
So I force myself to accpet that it won´t always be like it feels now.
Maybe sometimes we need to grief for all that we have lost.
Maybe sometimes we need a rest, because most of the time we are making such a big effort.
Maybe there will always be times like this. I don´t know that, but what I know is that it won´t be like this all the time. Hopefully it won´t be like this most of the time.

Anonymous said...

Me again.
I have been thinking, and erading again, and I realise theer are many thigns I haven´t commented on , that I think i would like to.
The fist one was to ask you what you meant when you said: "You are absolutely correct in saying that I have spent a lot of time not ever considering that my feelings matter. In many ways, they still don't matter."
What I keep asking myself is what you meant by in many ways don´t matter.

Another thing I wanted to say, because it has been goign on in my mind, is what you said about not even able to colse your eyes without seeing your father.
The is a terrible experience, it was bad enough to live it once, having it hunting you is awful. It has happened to me too.

I am not sure this will help but I think is worth a try.
I have read this in books about incest and sexual abuse.
I do not exctly do it as the books describe, or even in the same situation as they say, thoug everybook is slighlty different.
Anyway, what i do, or try to do, is when this images come, I try to change them in way. I try to imagne that I do get out of it. There are many ways of doing it. You could imagine yourself as the adult you are now, going to protect the child, telling your father to leave her alone, and you can take this as far as you want. What I mean is that for example in my case I think my father could be driven away only with words, telling him, he will be uncovered and ruined.
But for you it might be different.
Sometimes I also imagine myself as I was telling him those things, whitout eternal intevention.
The point of it eventually is to be safe.

It is not a miraculous cure but for me it helps reducing the anxiety I feel when it happens.
I know I can´t change what happened.
But I can do something about now. The memories, the images seem out of my control, and this visualisations do give me some control back, and in a way topped me from reliving the same experience, in the sense that I do have some input some choice I didn´t have at the time.

I don´t know if I am making much sense, I find very difficult to comunicate certain feelings.

Hope you are getting better.

survivor said...


in answer to your question... I discount my feelings. Nothing I feel matters because I believe all of my feelings are stupid and pointless. I remember feeling nothing but numbness. Constantly empty. I actually miss that now, I would rather be numb because then nothing hurts. There is no happiness, no pain, no sadness... NOTHING. Nothing is peaceful bliss.

Thanks for the tip on changing on the flashbacks, I'll try that.

Please continue to share your thoughts or suggestions. You're not off in base in taking what I write and understanding it, in fact, you're right on target. Your words have been very comforting and helpful while in this dark place. I look forward to talking to you more.

In closing I wanted to say that I'm very sorry you understand what I'm going through and that you've been here before.

Take care of you,


Anonymous said...

You can be reborn... I have and I have witnessed many others who have too...

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him." Nahum 1:7

"You are my hiding place, O Lord, you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance" Psalms 32:7

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" Deuteronomy 31:8

There is a void inside all of us... We try to fill it with so many different things... but nothing seems to work... the void that is in our hearts cannot be filled with things of this world... because our heart is part of our soul. You can put a bandaid on a cut but you can't put a bandaid on the hole in your heart because it is not a physical sore... it's an spiritual sore...
Please call me... C