I'm sitting here in the dark, smoking cigarette after cigarette. Holding the smoke, looking at it and wanting to press it against my skin, wanting to feel that momentary sharpness of pain and then relief as the numbness washes over me.
Relief. Beautiful relief.
Real. Tangible. Pain.
Oh how I want to...
It's almost a need.
I'm avoiding everyone. I'm not answering my phone or my cell. I'm supposed to be at my boyfriends place for a party tonight, I'm not going. I'm supposed to go to a BBQ tomorrow night, I'm not going.
I don't even want to be with me right now, let alone around anyone else.
My heart hurts.
Those are the only words I can think of to describe what I'm feeling.
I've written a lot today, but it hasn't really helped. I still have this nagging feeling of wanting to talk. Wanting to get out what I call my poison.
I've hit the bottom. Really hit the bottom this time.
I want out of this body, out this mind, out of these memories.
I want to be reborn.
I want to wash away these years and start fresh.
I want to experience innocence.
I want to experience seeing a rainbow for the first time.
Seeing the sunrise.
Listening to the birds chirping.
Experience it all without pain and memories.
I'm so sad I can't even describe it. The pain inside is ripping me apart. The sadness is crushing me.
Killing my spirit.
I can see the shattered broken shell of me. I can see the dead girl on the inside. I'm running scared and I'm about to the hit the wall. I'm about to shatter into a million pieces but I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to put on the brakes and throw myself into reverse. I'm desperately grasping for something tangible to hold on to, but it's just beyond my reach.
Everything is just inches beyond my reach.
I want to run, as fast as I can, as blindly as I can. I never want to stop. If I can keep running maybe I can keep everything from catching up to me. Maybe it will all be lost in the wind.
I really want to hurt myself right now.
I have enough emotional scars, I don't need more physical ones to match.
I'm already maimed.
I can't even close my eyes without seeing my father. I can see him clear as day standing over my bed. I can see him hurting me in ways I can't bare to tell.
I feel like I'm going to be sick. Like I'm going to violently vomit.
If only I could puke up all these memories and flush them away.
If only I could take all this pain and throw it out the window.
If only I could cry.
If only I could bring myself to reach and email my counsellor.
If only I could swim instead of sink...