Wednesday, April 11, 2007

And here's ugly

I'm working with C again (thank God) and we've been working on the feelings of abandonment I'm experiencing.

When I started writing about my mother the pain and sadness came crashing in. Talking about it with C last night felt like a 20 ton anvil was dropped on me. I started to cry as I asked C not to challenge me on a statement I was about to make... "why would I think anyone could care about me when my own mother doesn't?"

I think about that a lot. I think about the people in my life and wonder why they care? How could they care? Why do they WANT to? There's also the "ifs" - if my own mother couldn't.....

Thinking about this makes me feel horrible.

We also discovered that I hurt or push people away intentionally to see their reaction and to get verification that they do care.

It hit me like a ton of bricks to come to that realization.

I don't want to intentionally hurt anyone, especially the people that I care about or are close to me. But I can see how I do it, and I understand why I do it... it's driven by my need of needing to know that people do care about me... which is just that much more confusing when I go back to the why or how could anyone care about me...

It's all very confusing.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I really just want to "fix" this behaviour because it's not how I want to be. I don't like it and I don't really like myself because of it. I think it makes me ugly. Manipulative. It reminds me of the things my mother does...

The one thing I know for sure is that this is behaviour isn't going to keep happening. I'm going to ├╝ber-aware and try my damnedest to keep it under wraps.