Thursday, April 27, 2006

And a lightbulb went off!

I have an idea...

I think it may be feasible, depending of course on funding.

Searching for Angela Shelton - for those who are not familiar, it's a documentary about Angela Shelton who is a survivor and her travel across the US searching for other Angela Sheltons. She found 40 Angela Sheltons, 24 of whom are also survivors. Basically, it's all about breaking the silence and healing.

As a fundraiser, I was thinking of purchasing the right to hold two public viewings of the documentary.

Holly of Holly's Fight For Justice and I are working together to create a national hotline in Canada, much like RAINN in the US, or locally, The Kids Help Phone.

I think this might be a great way to fundraise for the hotline, as well as silicone bracelet sales.

I was also thinking of approaching local helplines and crisis centers to see if they might possibly want to get on board.

It might also be an idea to do the same in the US for Marj's idea of creating Survivor's Aid.

What do you think?

One Step Closer

Had a very good session with my counsellor this week. We covered some important stuff and I've been thinking a lot about what was discussed.

We ended the session with me in tears. I was feeling rather strong and was OK to have ended that way as it left me to continue processing what we talked about. The tears were a mixture of relief, understanding and some sadness.

I had made a statement that sometimes I liked the attention I got from my father as opposed to the negative attention I normally received. I grew up in a very angry house. Everyone was always yelling, screaming, hitting - I was usually on the receiving end of it. I was also spoiled rotten with material possessions - I think it was my parents way of making up for everything I endured as a child. I would have rather had positive attention as opposed to a new bike or a million toys. I was very embarrassed to admit that sometimes I liked the attention from my father, but that embarrassment is gone. I'm OK with it now because it makes sense.

Sometimes before my father would hurt me, he would climb into bed with me and just cuddle. The cuddling was what I liked. It was pretty much the only comforting anyone gave me as a child. In talking with my counsellor about it, and hearing her validate why I liked it erased any embarrassment or shame I had around this, it was relieving and comforting in it's own way.

I'm one teeny tiny little step further in healing...

It feels good!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Wash Away Those Years

I'm breaking about a million copyright laws I'm sure... but this is in an incredible song.

[CREED - Wash Away Those Years]

I'm very music oriented and use it quite frequently in my healing or to express feelings or thoughts I don't have the words for yet.

Good questions!

Anonymous said...
question do incest victims sometimes become more sexually active? Do rape victims desire their abuser?

5:04 PM

Dear Anon,

I am by no means an expert in this area, but I have read numerous books and articles on the subject as well as have some first hand experience!

Yes, some sexual abuse survivors (incest, rape) do become more sexually active.

Sexual intimacy
Survivors of sexual assault may experience problems with, or uneasiness about, sexual intimacy right after the assault or even years after. Two common adjustments that can be seen after a sexual assault are:

If sexuality has been devalued in the eyes of the survivor, or if the survivor tried to say "no" verbally or otherwise, and it did not matter, they may have learned not to say "no" in future sexual situations, and therefore, she may have an increased number of sexual partners in the period of time following the assault. In addition, the survivor may use future sexual experiences to regain a sense of control in her sex life.

The survivor may withdraw from having any sexual relationships, and any opportunities toward establishing relationships. She may feel too frightened at the thought of an assault happening again. She may isolate herself from social activities for fear of making a wrong decision. Survivors may feel that they can no longer trust their own judgments.

Regrettably, I have first hand experience with this issue. After being raped I had a number of one night stands. For the first time in my life I was going to be in control of sex. My father took so much from me, the rape took (at the time) everything else. I HAD to be in control of the next time anyone was going to touch my body. I was very reckless and did not practise safe sex, I am incredibly lucky I didn't get pregnant or contract an STD. Once I realized how much pain and damage I was causing myself, I put an end to my behaviour and got tested for every possible STD, including HIV. It was a very rough period of my life to say the least, waiting for the test results and then having to wait another six months to be tested again for HIV was very anxiety inducing. I understand why I behaved the way I did, I needed to control my next sexual encounter before someone else could hurt me, in turn I was hurting myself. The key part was understanding my actions/behaviour and being able to forgive myself, which I have done. In some way, I think this behaviour helped heal my sexuality.

I hope I answered your question and gave you some perspective around being more sexually active after abuse.

"Do rape victims desire their abuser?" - unfortunately, I don't have an answer to this question. I'm hesitant in even trying to answer or even give my personal take on it to avoid causing an ill effects. If anyone else has any experience this area, please feel free to comment!

If you're comfortable doing so, could you please elaborate?

Please feel free to ask any further questions, I'll try my best to answer them or point you in a direction to get answers. I'll try to help you (or anyone else) the best I can.

Take good care of you and thanks for reading, I hope you found some pieces helpful.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Denial or Avoidance?

So I've been avoiding my blog since I posted last... I keep going back and forth between being ready to talk about it and wanting it to just go away.

I know it won't ever just go away, I've wasted years trying to will all this bullshit away to no avail and I really don't want to keep wasting my time, or anyone else's for that matter.

I have this pattern, and I'm very aware of the pattern or habit or whatever the fuck you want to call it... maybe more like a circle since that what I feel like, going around in circles!

I can talk about "stuff" one day, the next day, not a chance. Trying to get anything out of me is like pulling teeth from an alligator with your bare hands - point being, it's next to impossible! And unfortunately, it's more often teeth days than it is anything else. It drives me crazy, it really really frustrates me. It's there, everything I want to say is on the tip of my tongue but it's like there's some force clamping it down and nothing can get out except for "I dunno" or "yeah" I even do it with myself when something comes up like a nightmare or flashback...

Is that denial or avoidance?

Or a lovely combination of both with a super-size coke on the side?

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Sexual Feelings During Sexual Abuse

I'm posting this because (I'm very ashamed to admit this) it is something I struggle with. This is an incredibly difficult subject. I find it rather embarrassing to even post this article. I've been thinking a lot about this since my session with my counsellor yesterday... I think it's time I start to deal with this area as I believe it to be one of the major causes of my shame and disgust with myself. The more I avoid this topic, the more taboo I make it for myself and the more difficult my healing will be. So, over the next little while this is going to be my focus. I was going to keep this private and journal on my own, but I want to share this with other survivors who may be feeling similiars things or have had similiar experiences and also feel very ashamed and embarrassed....

Sexual Feelings During Sexual Abuse
by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist, 2004

Many sexual abuse survivors have trouble dealing with the fact that their body was sexually stimulated and felt aroused during the abuse. They may feel guilty and ashamed that they responded to the stimulation, and confused about why they did.

Feeling aroused during abuse is not an issue for every survivor. Some survivors never felt any kind of sexual arousal during the abuse. Others felt some sexual arousal, but readily accept that it didn't mean anything more than an automatic reflex response to touch. Still others experienced some pleasurable feelings in their bodies during the abuse, but because those feelings were overshadowed by the pain of the abuse, it isn't an issue for them either.

However, there are many survivors who are deeply affected by their bodies' natural responses. Some agonize over how their bodies responded to the stimulation; they experienced the sexual arousal as a humiliation, and believe it reflects negatively on them that their body responded at all. They perceive their body's response as a betrayal, with the abuser "winning," and they hate their bodies for it. This is compounded by the fact some abusers deliberately try to force a victim to have an orgasm so that the survivor will mistakenly believe that they wanted or enjoyed the abuse.

Other survivors enjoyed some of the bodily sensations that came from the stimulation, but feel guilty, ashamed, and/or secretive about that fact because they believe - or fear - that it means there is something wrong with them because they're "not supposed" to feel that way in the context of abuse. These survivors often keep their experience a secret for fear that no one will understand how they could have liked some parts of it.

Some gay survivors remark that it was only during sexual abuse that they became aware of the possibility of same-sex sexual activity, and while they know that what they experienced was abuse, they learned something about their sexuality, and may have liked some of the stimulation. It is very concerning that some gay youth only learn about same-sex sex in the context of abuse!

In all cases, if a survivor found some of the stimulation during the abuse pleasurable, it does not mean that it was not abuse, that they weren't hurt by it, that it wasn't serious, or that it had less impact. Abuse is abuse, regardless of how the victim's body responded. Further, for boys, achieving an erection does not necessarily mean that they are aroused; boys can have erections when they are afraid.

Why is this issue rarely addressed?

The impact of having been sexually stimulated or aroused during abuse is rarely addressed, and when it is it is given minimal attention. One reason why this is such a neglected subject is that we live in a culture that is uncomfortable with the thought that children can have sexual feelings at all, let alone during abuse. Many people like to think that children are asexual, and believe that those who suggest otherwise are sexual perverts. To further suggest that children who are sexually abused might experience some sexual arousal is to risk being viewed as promoting sexual abuse, or at very least minimizing it. But how are we to help survivors deal with this issue unless we are prepared to talk about it while not minimizing the abuse?

Just as it is shocking for many people to think that sexual abuse could lead a child to feel aroused or to feel pleasure in their body, it is equally, or perhaps more shocking, to survivors themselves to acknowledge this. Many survivors suffer about this issue in silence, wondering if their body's feelings and reactions meant that they liked, wanted, caused, or encouraged the abuse, or worse, made them as bad as the abuser.

I understand not wanting to talk about this issue for fear that it will fuel the argument that "sexual abuse isn't so bad because some kids like it" - a false argument which is used to minimize the impact of abuse. But by acknowledging that some children feel aroused reduces the emotional charge, or stigma, associated with it, and helps survivors to heal.

Feeling sexual arousal in the context of abuse does not mean that the abuse was okay, nor that the abuse did not negatively effect the victim. A parallel argument can be made that if the love of your life suddenly dies, and you receive tens of thousands of dollars from life insurance, money that you desperately need, this doesn't mean that you like the fact that your partner died or that you're not suffering from that loss. Liking that you have money to support you, or needing that money, does not change the basic fact of what happened, or how devastated you feel at the loss of your lover.

Children are sexual beings

Given that children are sexual beings and can be sexual stimulated during abuse, it's understandable that some children enjoyed the feelings of arousal in their bodies. They did not enjoy the abuse; they enjoyed their body's natural reactions and sensations, and perhaps some aspects of how the perpetrator treated them. If the abuser gave them attention or was kind to them, that may have felt enjoyable too. It's also understandable if that child, later as an adult, feels upset if someone tells them that they couldn't have enjoyed any part of it because it was abuse. How does the adult survivor reconcile the reality that her/his body did feel sexual when they "weren't supposed" to? They feeling guilty and ashamed. On the other hand, it's also understandable if that adult survivor feels upset about her/his body having felt aroused since it occurred in the context of abuse.

How to deal with this issue

If you are a survivor and your body responded to the sexual stimulation during the abuse, it's important to find positive ways to reconcile that reality within yourself without concluding that you are "sick" or "bad," or that your body is. The first step is to acknowledge to yourself how your body felt, and later to a supportive and understanding person. Try to do this without judgement, but if you can't, simply telling yourself and someone else (who is non-judgemental) how you felt will help reduce some of the guilt, shame, isolation, and secrecy.

If you feel judgemental about yourself, remember that feelings are simply feelings, nothing more. They are not facts or statements; they do not say anything about you or anyone else, other than you are a fully feeling human being. It's normal to experience a range of feelings during abuse, and one of those feelings may be sexual. It might help to remember the other feelings you felt during or after the abuse, because you did not simply feel sexual feelings, but you also probably felt betrayal, sadness, fear, confusion, and hurt, even if you didn't realize that until you were much older.

There are different ways of thinking about this issue, and survivors have come up with different ways of dealing with it. Some survivors conclude that the arousal they experienced was a physiological reaction that had nothing to do with the perpetrator, and everything to do with their own body's natural responses. That is true. Others conclude that while there was some element of arousal that arose from the physical stimulation, the relationship with the perpetrator was important, and contributed to how they felt - for instance, they liked/loved the perpetrator, had a friendly relationship with her/him, felt taken care of during the abuse, and this led to feeling pleasure. They let go of their guilt or confusion by acknowledging that they felt a draw to the relationship out of their emotional needs, vulnerability, and/or neglect, and by recognizing that it was okay that they felt and responded that way.

Some survivors take the position that regardless of how they learned what they learned about their body and their sexuality (what they enjoy sexually, how to have an orgasm, that they are attracted to the same sex, etc.), they like what they know about their body and intend to enjoy it without guilt, because this knowledge is about them and their body, not the perpetrator. Even if they learned some of those things from what the perpetrator did, that doesn't mean that the perpetrator "owns" those things. They are the only ones who can own their body's responses and sexuality.

Some survivors find that they are able to accept their feelings of physical arousal, without judgement when they feel compassion for themselves, and other survivors include feeling compassion for their abusers. Their compassion helps them to let go of judgement, and to see themselves as the innocent children they were.

Some survivors find that feeling shame about having sexual feelings prevents them from fully processing their memories. As soon as they remember and feel sexual feelings, they distance themselves from the memory and can't go any further with it. They're stuck there, unable to release their emotions or fully process the memory. When they released some shame and could think about the whole incident(s) by writing the memory out or telling someone their story, they were able to step back and see the situation with a new perspective and understanding. That process helped them to accept what happened and feel at peace with themselves.

How you feel about having sexual feelings during the abuse (as well as when you remember the abuse and/or read about sexual abuse) has a direct impact on how you view the abuse and yourself, and what you think about the abuse affects how you feel, which is why it's important to work on releasing feelings and critiquing what you think. Some survivors need to think a lot about it first, and others need to feel their feelings first. If you're stuck in one mode, try the other mode. For example if you're stuck in the thinking mode, let yourself feel what you felt - then and now - without judgement. Your feelings will pass, in time, and that alone will help you to think about yourself with more objectivity and less judgement.

The abuser is responsible for the abuse, regardless of how you felt

No matter how you felt during the abuse or feel now, you are not responsible for the abuse. Even if you felt some pleasure or enjoyment; or you wanted some aspects to continue; or you were sexually attracted to the abuser; or you sought the abuser out, the abuser is always responsible for the abuse and not the child. Think about it this way: if a child sought you out for sexual stimulation, would you do it?

You are not to blame for what the abuser did, and you and your body are completely separate from the abuser. Even if it doesn't feel that way, it's still true. It doesn't matter what your body did or didn't do; you and your body were simply coping as best you could given the circumstances (which might have included a larger context of neglect and/or other forms of abuse and dysfunction too).

It helps to heal by acknowledging how you truly felt and how your body responded, to think about positive ways of interpreting those responses, to not judge yourself, to place the responsibility for the abuse on the abuser, and to view your body separately from the abuse and the abuse. Other things you can do to feel more comfortable with your body and sex include: being gentle with your body; holding and massaging emotionally charged areas with your hand and having a partner hold and massage the area as well (this will help the area to let go of some of the emotional charge - the feelings associated with the abuse); gently stroking any area of your body that defends, tightens, numbs, or otherwise reacts to sexual touch; taking sex slowly and stopping when you need to; breathing; laughing; and having fun with sex, touch, and holding. You are meant to - and can - enjoy your body and all of its beautiful sensations during sex.

It's possible to heal

Experiencing sexual feelings during abuse is not something anyone should have to feel guilty about. Children feel what they feel during abuse, including sexual feelings, and there is nothing wrong with that. For some survivors the fact that they felt sexually aroused in an abuse context is embarrassing or shameful to admit but the more survivors - in fact, all of us - talk about this issue, the easier and less shameful it becomes. When we talk openly about something, we take away its power or emotional charge. Survivors reduce the emotional charge, connected to this issue, by talking/writing/drawing about it; not listening to anyone who tells them how they "should" feel; acknowledging and accepting how they felt and feel; recognizing that none of their feelings make them crazy or bad, or like the abuser; and by fostering compassion and understanding for themselves and their body. It's possible to feel better about this issue - one tiny step at a time.

Kali Munro, © 2004
Edited by Cheryl Rainfield
All rights reserved.

If you would like to reprint this article on your website, you may, providing you print it in its entirety, credit me, and give a link to my site - -

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Effects of Rape

I found this article and it's very educational and serves as an excellent reminder of the healing process.

The Effects of Rape

No two survivors of sexual assault react in exactly the same way, or feel the same emotions at the same time, or heal in exactly the same way. Every survivor deals with the assault in a way that addresses her particular situation. While every survivor should feel encouraged to seek a healing path that works for her or him, there are some commonalities among most, if not all, sexual assault survivors. Remember, these are not “rules” for a “normal” reaction to sexual assault, but rather some of the many emotions and experiences you may have as a survivor. It is important to know that you are not alone in your pain or experience.

Common Reactions to Sexual Assault

Emotional Shock. Initially, many survivors are in a state of shock in which they feel numb to the situation and may question their lack of emotions. Shock is the result of natural defense mechanisms in the brain that seek to protect us from severe stress and emotional overload. “Why am I so calm?” “Why can’t I cry?”

Disbelief. After a severe trauma like sexual assault occurs, it may be difficult to believe that it really happened. This is not a sign of “mental problems” but rather a common reaction to traumas of all kinds. “Did it really happen?” “Why me?”

Fear. Some survivors are fearful because of threats made by the rapist during or after the assault. Fear of society’s reaction if the rape is reported is also a fear of survivors. Given that survivors often seem to be blamed for the assault, it is not surprising that they would be fearful of social reprisals or accusations. Many fear that they won’t be believed by friends or family. Others may feel a generalized fear of all men or certain situations, because of the trauma endured during the assault. “I’m afraid of so many things—will I get pregnant, contract an STD . . . will I ever be able to be intimate again?”

Embarrassment. Talking about the rape or describing the physical details to strangers (police, medical staff, advocates, courts, etc.) can be very difficult and may produce a feeling of embarrassment for some survivors. Because sex and bodies are thought of to be private and somewhat shameful, it can be emotionally painful to recount the assault or even to inform friends and family. “What will people think?” “How can I tell a room full of strangers what happened?”

Guilt. Many times survivors internalize the myth that rape is somehow the victim’s fault. They may feel they could have prevented it if only they had fought harder or done something differently. If you knew your attacker, you may feel that you should have known he wasn’t as he appeared, or you may think you somehow provoked the rape. However, if you’d been with him on previous occasions there is no reason to suspect an assault will occur. It is vital to remember that you are not the cause of the assault, and that making it through a sexual assault with your life is nothing to feel guilty about. “I must have done something wrong. If only I . . .”


Shame. This is another common reaction to rape for much the same reasons as embarrassment—people mistakenly are taught to believe that they did something wrong and caused the rape, or that the rape has made them “bad” and suspect. “I feel so ashamed and dirty . . . I want to take showers constantly.”

Depression. Some amount of depression can be expected after any major trauma or emotionally charged event. Dealing with the memory of the assault as well as the things that follow (the police, the courts, the medical exams, etc.) can be extremely draining physically and mentally. “How am I going to go on?” “I feel so tired and hopeless.”

Anger. Many survivors experience intense feelings of rage at their attacker, friends, family, or life in general. They may be angry at the treatment they received after the rape, or because they feel powerless. While anger can be a difficult emotion to deal with , anger directed at the perpetrator can play an important role in the healing process. “I just want to kill him!” “How dare the police, courts, doctors, etc. treat me like that!”

All of the feelings above are valid and are a normal reaction to an abnormal and traumatic event. No one can tell you how long you will feel these feelings or when you should start to heal. However, if you are consumed by these feelings for a prolonged period and are suffering excessive fear, excessive anxiety, frustration, sleeplessness, an inability to concentrate, an inability to be around others, difficulty completing tasks, a loss of interest in things you used to enjoy, etc., you should seek professional help. A counselor or therapist can be very helpful for all people trying to cope with and process a traumatic event and therapy is essential for anyone having difficulty dealing with trauma.


Rape Trauma Syndrome

The cluster of symptoms which sexual assault victims describe has been defined as “rape trauma syndrome.” This syndrome has two stages, the immediate/acute phase and the long-term process. Rape trauma syndrome includes physical, emotional, and behavioral stress reactions that result from facing a life-threatening, violent, and/or traumatic event.

Stage One: The Acute Phase or Disorganization

The Immediate Impact Reaction. The two main styles of emotional response immediately following the assault are called expressed and controlled. In the expressed style emotions such as fear, anxiety, and anger are displayed whereas in the controlled style, emotional shock and numbness masks the feelings of the survivor.

Physical Reactions. Survivors experience a wide range of physical symptoms including: sleep pattern disturbances (such as insomnia and nightmares), eating pattern disturbances (usually a marked decrease in appetite and stomach pains), and symptoms specific to the parts of the body that were the focus of the attack. Survivors may also feel like sleeping all the time, eating all the time, etc. Physical symptoms vary according to each person. If you are doing things you never used to do, then it is probably related to the assault.

Emotional Reactions. During this time survivors are prone to mood swings due to the intensity and wide range of emotions they feel. These include humiliation, degradation, fear, embarrassment, anger, revenge, and shame. A survivor may go over the assault again and again in her thoughts trying to make sense of what happened, or she may try to block it out altogether. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO FEEL ALL OF THESE FEELINGS! THAT IS ESSENTIAL TO THE HEALING PROCESS.

Stage Two: The Long-term Process of Reorganization

Changes in Lifestyle. A sexual assault disturbs the survivor’s normal routine of living and many aspects of one’s life. There is often a strong need to get away; many survivors change residences after the assault, although some may only change their telephone number. Your priority should be to feel safe. Do whatever you need to do to get back those feelings of security and safety. Get a guard dog, install extra outside lights, leave interior lights on, get an alarm system, have someone escort you to your car whenever you want, invite friends or family members to sleep over, buy self-defense products like mace, hand held alarms, etc. It is not silly to want to protect yourself. Do what makes you feel comfortable and safe.

Dreams and Nightmares. These symptoms occur both during the acute phase and the long-term process. Two types of nightmares are reported most frequently: dreams of being in a similar situation to the rape and unable to get away and later on dreams in which the survivor is able to assert control. These latter dreams may consist of the survivor doing violence to other people. As unpleasant as nightmares are, they are a primary way in which our minds process events that have happened. Even if you try to shut out the event, your mind will not let you. Just remember the nightmares will gradually fade and eventually cease. As you heal emotionally and physically the nightmares will lessen, and the stronger you feel, the less frightening your nightmares will seem. Don’t be afraid to talk about your nightmares with your therapist of friends and family. Talking about them will make them less powerful and scary.

Phobias. Fears and phobias are common psychological defenses. Some survivors may develop a fear of crowds, of being alone, of having sex, or they may feel a general paranoia.


Information adapted from “You are Not Alone” compiled by Women’s Resource Center staff.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Taking a moment

This past weekend was incredible. Breathtaking... amazing... beautiful.

Exactly what I needed.

My boyfriend had never been to the mountains before this past weekend!! It was just awesome watching him experience the magnificent beauty and rugged landscape.

I love getting away from the city and spending time hiking and just enjoying nature. It's my natural high you could say!!

I've fallen in love... Mica Mountain Lodge It is so incredibly beautiful and peaceful there. I can't wait to go back and spend a few days relaxing and reflecting. I would love to go back and walk and think and process and heal. Amazing place to have something like a healing retreat...

It's amazing how I cross the border into B.C. and it just feels like home. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe a little easier. Freer. I can laugh a deep meaningful laugh. A real laugh. I can stand and gaze at the mountains, at the trees, at the rivers, listen to the birds, watch animals grazing and just get lost in serenity.

I can relax.

I had a nightmare Saturday night. It was the first time my boyfriend got to experience one of my nightmares.

It scared him.

I was kicking wildly in my sleep. I don't even remember it. I don't remember dreaming and I certainly don't remember kicking like a mad woman! I'm shocked that I didn't wake up as normally I wake in a cold sweat absolutely terrified. I guess at the same time it's a good thing I don't remember it because if it was scary enough to cause me to kick violently in my sleep I don't even want to know! I can safely guess it was related to my father as the hair brush has been weighing heavily on my mind.

All in all, I'm back in my safe place... not completely numb but not completely overwhelmed either...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Going... going... gone

I'm outta here tomorrow morning... can't wait to get the hell away from this house for a few days. Get away from memories, triggers... the fucking hairbrush.

This will do me a world of good, at least I hope it does.

I KNOW it will.

It has to...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

::insert scream of frustation::

Now I'm getting pissed off.

I am sooooo sick of feeling shitty.

I am so sick of being on the verge of tears.

I am so sick of having to put on a happy face while at work.

I am so sick of hurting.

I am so sick of memories.

I am so sick of nightmares.

I am so sick of every damn fucking thing in my life.

I'm pondering the question...

What the FUCK is the point?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

On the bottom

I'm standing at the bottom, looking up and the light has almost vanished.

This is my tunnel.

The walls are completely smooth from the pounding pressure of my despair making it almost impossible to climb my way to the top. I've tried and I'm still trying, my metaphorical fingers bloody from each failed attempt.

The bottom of the tunnel has been steadily sinking making the ascent that much more futile.

"and in a weird, twisted way, i guess just feeling numb to everything we have survived thus far in our young and innocent lives is probably the most draining and taxing feeling of all... it is the one feeling that has to work soooo fucking hard to keep all of the other feelings shoved way deep down. "
ML - how right you are! It takes every last bit of energy to keep myself safely numb. It's exhausting really. But on the other side of the coin, it's SAFE! Feeling safe is so elusive... Just pisses me off I can't have my cake and eat it too.

After everything we've been through, everything we've supposedly survived it's bullshit that healing is the hardest. Having my fathers dick in my mouth at 8 years old is not as painful or traumatizing as reliving it is now. I knew it was wrong, it hurt, it scared me and I didn't like it BUT I didn't understand what he was doing or even had an inkling of what I losing as a child.

He was my father, didn't all fathers do this to their daughters?

I was a sad, angry confused little girl.

I was a depressed teenager who was an acoholic and drug addict.

I'm an adult who knows the dangers of alcohol and drugs and self harm who can't help but abuse them because I'm trying not to relive it all. Trying to erase ever being daddy's little girl...

I can also see every single thing that is wrong with what I just said. I KNOW what not to do, how NOT to cope... yet... all my energy is being expended.

I've let it all go this past week. Since Thursday I have been beaten down and all of these thoughts and feelings are running rampant fatiguing me more than being numb.

I'm getting lonely on the bottom...

Monday, April 10, 2006


The BBQ wasn't as bad as I was expecting. This is where my philosophy comes into play: expect the worst and nothing can dissapoint you! It works...sometimes.

My boyfriend ended up showing up and driving me out there, he promised we'd leave if I wanted to. He also apologized for being an ass and said he doesn't really understand what I go through and hates to see me upset. I thanked him for twisting my arm and dragging me to the BBQ, it lifted my spirit for a little while.

I didn't sleep again last night and I'm absolutely exhausted this morning. My eyes are burning and I can't tell if it's because I'm holding back the tears or if I'm just that tired.

I think it's both.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Isn't it lovely?

So now I'm fighting with my boyfriend. It's our first fight, argument, whatever.

I don't have the patience for this.

He's pissed at me for not showing up last night. In my defense, I told him I'd call him if I was going, I didn't call him so therefore, I wasn't going. Simple!

Now he's twice as mad because I said I wasn't sure if I was going to the BBQ tonight. I told him I'm in a "mood." He said "what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I sighed and told him that I didn't really want to be around people right now. His reply "what, I'm just people? I guess I don't count for anything do I?" I didn't say anything for a few minutes and we sat in silence on the phone. I finally said "Fine, I'll go. But I'm taking my own car and if I want to leave I'm leaving."

So, guess I'm going to the BBQ, at least to show face for an hour or two and then take off and go back to bed where I've been since I got off work on Friday.

I really don't want to go. But I guess we do things we don't want to do sometimes to make the people in our lives happy.

Maybe it will be good for me right now to be around people instead of isolating myself and wallowing in self pity.

I don't know.

I don't know much of anything anymore...

Friday, April 07, 2006

If Only...

I'm sitting here in the dark, smoking cigarette after cigarette. Holding the smoke, looking at it and wanting to press it against my skin, wanting to feel that momentary sharpness of pain and then relief as the numbness washes over me.

Relief. Beautiful relief.

Real. Tangible. Pain.

Oh how I want to...

It's almost a need.

I'm avoiding everyone. I'm not answering my phone or my cell. I'm supposed to be at my boyfriends place for a party tonight, I'm not going. I'm supposed to go to a BBQ tomorrow night, I'm not going.

I don't even want to be with me right now, let alone around anyone else.

My heart hurts.


Those are the only words I can think of to describe what I'm feeling.

I've written a lot today, but it hasn't really helped. I still have this nagging feeling of wanting to talk. Wanting to get out what I call my poison.

I've hit the bottom. Really hit the bottom this time.

I want out of this body, out this mind, out of these memories.

I want to be reborn.

I want to wash away these years and start fresh.

I want to experience innocence.

I want to experience seeing a rainbow for the first time.

Seeing the sunrise.

Listening to the birds chirping.

Experience it all without pain and memories.


I'm so sad I can't even describe it. The pain inside is ripping me apart. The sadness is crushing me.

Killing my spirit.

I can see the shattered broken shell of me. I can see the dead girl on the inside. I'm running scared and I'm about to the hit the wall. I'm about to shatter into a million pieces but I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to put on the brakes and throw myself into reverse. I'm desperately grasping for something tangible to hold on to, but it's just beyond my reach.

Everything is just inches beyond my reach.

I want to run, as fast as I can, as blindly as I can. I never want to stop. If I can keep running maybe I can keep everything from catching up to me. Maybe it will all be lost in the wind.

I really want to hurt myself right now.

I won't.

I can't.

I have enough emotional scars, I don't need more physical ones to match.

I'm already maimed.

I can't even close my eyes without seeing my father. I can see him clear as day standing over my bed. I can see him hurting me in ways I can't bare to tell.

I feel like I'm going to be sick. Like I'm going to violently vomit.

If only I could puke up all these memories and flush them away.

If only I could take all this pain and throw it out the window.

If only I could cry.

If only I could bring myself to reach and email my counsellor.

If only I could swim instead of sink...

An Anonymous Comment

Anonymous said...
I have read you blog for the first time today, and after reading today's entry I went back and had a look at your past posts, most of them.
I am an incest survivor too and I have been in and out of counselling for years now.
I think that what you say you have accomplished in the last year is very good. Don´t shrug your shoulders.
Getting out of a bad, abusive relationship is a huge and difficult step.
Gaining control over self harming habits and drug use is also very hard. I still go into phases with the drug use.
Not being so closed off, and being more honest, I think it does say a lot about facing trust and self esteem issues, which for me are the hardest.
Naming your feelings and being able to cry. Well, it seems to me that you have spent a lot of time not ever considering that your feelings do matter. It might not seem like a lot, but I would say it is quite important.

A year is not that long, the "unhealthy" ways of coping have been with you for a lot longer.
I guess one just have to keep at it. Is not easy, is not always clear were you are going, but I guess you already know were not doing it leads you.

I did also have a problem to talk with my counsellor about certain things. After some time I just told her that, that there were things that i was kind of keeping even though i would like to talk about them.
Some time after that I started talking about it. it wasn´t immediate, and it was more like just dropping things here and there, but it was a start.

I don´t know if any of this is of any interest or use to you. I hope so.

2:30 PM

Thank you taking the time to read my blog and commenting. Your words have given me a lot to think about and I thank you for that.

You are absolutely correct in saying that I have spent a lot of time not ever considering that my feelings matter. In many ways, they still don't matter.

I'm going to post your comment because right now it's playing on my mind heavily. I'm still processing what you said, but I find your words inspiring and filled with hope.


Long way to happy::::

I don't know what is going on with me.

I'm going to admit something I probably shouldn't...

I feel like giving up on life.

And to clarify, I'm NOT going to kill myself...

I just don't feel like even trying anymore. Trying to heal. Trying to care about me. Trying to LIKE me. Trying to have dreams and aspirations.

I keep telling myself it's all fine and dandy, but IT'S NOT FINE AND DANDY! It's a far cry from it.

Maybe I need a higher dose of happy pills! The magical cure... here take a pill, you'll feel better!

Feelings - they just are... can't control them, they just are. I CAN control how I choose to handle them though...maybe? I don't know about that. I mean how does someone who sees everything about herself as tainted, as a failure, who has depression CHOOSE a positive way to deal with sadness? Despair? Self loathing and hatred? I don't understand that...

My choice is just to plunge everything down and ignore it so I can function... that's not healthy. I'm barely holding on. The weight of this is crushing, I'm sinking fast...

The funny part is, I FEEL like giving up. A part of me even wants to give up... a LARGE part of me. Yet... somewhere.. there's a nagging pull, a voice telling me not to give up, telling me to SPEAK!

I am speaking - I'm writing. I WANT to say all of this out loud... right now anyway, give me an hour, that could change!

My mood swings are insane. I can go from being happy and all giggles to wanting to cry, to being incredibly angry, to completely numb... all in the course of a day. I never know from one minute to the next what to expect, and neither does anyone else around me. What keeps my mood steady is pot, POT of all things. The ONE thing I gave up completely is the ONE thing that was keeping me sane. It's not the answer though...

I Have Seen the Rain - Pink and James T Moore
I have seen the rain
I have felt the pain
I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
I don't know where I'm going
I don't even know where I've been

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Weight of it all

I've been thinking about this a lot for the past few weeks and I'm no further ahead then what I was.

A part of me wants to give up healing, to walk away entirely and forget about it. I really didn't know what I was getting into when I decided to give counselling a shot. I thought it would be a couple of easy fixes and away I go for another twenty some odd years until I needed more help. I tried to prepare myself, but I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't expecting things to get worse, for the flashbacks to increase ten fold, for memories to become more vivid, to have more fears surface, to feel weaker and more needier than I ever have. To feel like everyone can see RAPE and ABUSED scrolling across my face in a flashing neon sign.

I've been in counselling for a few days shy of a year and the closer that one year mark looms, the more I feel like a failure. It should be the exact opposite really... I've accomplished a lot in one year.

I asked for a divorce from my husband.
I'm not as closed off as I used to be - more open and honest...
I can name a few feelings.
I've cried 3 times, which is more than I can remember doing in 20 years.
I've had moderate success with preventing self harm.
I've had moderate success with drug abuse.

I can list those, look at them and shrug my shoulders. BIG FUCKING DEAL! I can say that I'm sad or angry or depressed. I told an asshole to fuck off and get out of my life. I haven't cut or burned myself in like a month. I haven't smoked a joint in over a month.

I'm just REALLY FUCKING ANGRY. I guess it has finally hit me just HOW MUCH all of these things have affected me. How utterly fucked up I am.

If a man brushes up against me, even an innocent touch, I freeze. It scares the fuck out of me. I can't look most men in the eye, I don't trust them, and the little trust some of them do have it will take next to nothing to break it. I can't walk alone after dark without being so scared the tiniest noises makes me jump. I can't stand being home alone because I'm afraid HE will show up since he's back in the city. Even kissing my boyfriend freaks me out SO FUCKING MUCH sometimes that my skin crawls and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I won't even talk about what effects sex has...

And STILL, after almost a fucking YEAR I STILL can't really talk about this stuff with my counsellor which just makes me even more frustrated and ready to give up. If I can't talk to my counsellor, can't even THINK of bringing this shit up with friends, even my best friends, then what's the point? Is there even a point? Even with a few friends who I KNOW genuinely care and want to help I lie to them. They ask how I'm doing, I always say I'm good or OK and change the subject. I can't admit to anyone how I'm really feeling, or what I really want to do... I can't even admit it to myself most of the time...

I want to scream and rant and rave and throw things and cut myself and drink and smoke copious amounts of pot or hash...

I want to be able to allow myself to be angry, to grieve, to curl up and hide, to make it OK to feel everything that I'm feeling, to allow myself to cry, to stop holding all of this in, to be able to talk about it, to feel proud of what I've accomplished instead of seeing everything as negative...

I don't know what I want... a new me maybe?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

For a change...

I've been enjoying life...

The snow is melting... pretty much all gone!

The trees are beginning to bud... can't wait for my Lilac bush/trees to bloom!

It's that time of year where I can't help but be in a good mood!

I love spring and what it brings... warm weather, fun and excitement, growth - new and old...

I can hardly wait to spend countless hours in my garden; planting flowers, weeding, watering, and of course admiring! I love tinkering in the dirt and getting covered in mud... it's an incredible stress reliever and a very grounding feeling squishing mud between your fingers!

Spring brings thunderstorms! I LOVE thunder and lightening. The louder the better... the house rattling crack and sheet lightening kind. I find it very relaxing and peaceful to sit on the patio swing in my backyard and watch the storms with a glass of wine.

Spring brings kite flying weather! I discovered the youthfulness and pure enjoyment of flying a kite last summer on the advice of a friend. He makes his own kites and one day told me to go fly a kite... So I did! I had so much fun running around in the park, limbs flailing here and there. I probably looked like a lunatic but I didn't care, I felt free! I had a few kite mishaps with my dogs last summer - I didn't know Sandy could jump six feet in the air from a standing position and successful destroy the poor kite.

Spring brings geocaching! An absolute modern day treasure hunt! Very exciting to track a location with a GPS unit and actually find what you're looking for.

Spring brings camping and mountain adventures! I love camping, hiking, fishing (I WILL NOT touch the fish) canoeing, and just lazing in the sun next to a lake or river soaking up the rays!

My first spring adventure is in two weeks. Easter weekend! My boyfriend and I are going to a spot near Valemount B.C. for the weekend. I can't wait to get out of the city and relax in a log cabin, do some hiking and maybe some fishing. Exactly what I need to renew my energy and the resolve to keep going...

Spring is here!