Friday, February 15, 2008

10 years

Yesterday marked the 10 year anniversary since I was raped.

It was a horrible day, but not just because of what the day was to me.

I quit my job.

My fiance (we got engaged on Christmas Day) presented me with a beautiful bouquet of Gerber Daisies which are my favorite and when he gave me them to me I cried.

I haven't written for an incredibly long time and I miss it. I have needed to write, but if I didn't then nothing was real. I know this trick all too well. If I ignore it, it goes away. Ignore it for months and up rears it's ugly head and gobbles me whole, eating everything I have worked so hard to achieve. This is where I am now.

I hated getting out of bed to go to work, so I stopped going. They demoted me so I quit. I have no idea what I'm going to do I just know I don't want to work there anymore. I do know I need a break but can't afford it. I'm seriously considering going to work at Wal-Mart or something similar. Any place I can go into myself and run on auto pilot.

I feel like I'm back to where I was a year and a half ago. I'm lost. I've veered so far off the path and stumbled in so many different directions I don't know how to get back.

I need help, yet I find myself too scared and weak to ask for it...