Wednesday, July 12, 2006


I'm not doing very well.

My work life is extremely stressful - I'm not sleeping or eating. Every muscle in my body is tense. I'm filled with stress rage, on the verge of snapping. I normally work at home, but am in the office now for an indeterminable amount of time. I can't afford to pay for gas to drive here or parking since it's now over $10 a day. I am driving though because I start at 5am, as for parking, well I'm parking about 10 blocks away in a seedy residential area for free street parking. It's scary at 4:30 in the morning walking by myself in a terrible area of downtown. All week I've been getting yelled at, whistled at, sworn at, pestered for money or smokes... by the time I get to the office I'm exhausted and scared and ready to turn around and go home and hide in bed.

As for the other stuff, I've been trying to remember what "say it" was, what he was trying to get me to say. I want to know, yet at the same time I don't want to. My father has been calling me for the past week, his birthday is coming up and they want me to go over their house for dinner to celebrate. I haven't called them back. I know I'll feel guilty if I don't at least call him on his birthday, I hate him, despise him, but he's still my father and there was some good with him growing up even if everything he did to me overshadows the good. I don't know, even hearing his voice sends me reeling for a few days afterwards so it's probably better if I don't talk to him. I think what I may do is call him when I know no one is home and leave a message for him so I don't feel guilty.

Sometimes I think about what life would be like if I had a healthy relationship with my father. I watch shows on TV where the father is caring and supportive and will do anything to help or protect his daughter. When I see that, I'm filled with sadness. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it is something I long for. Something I've never had but miss at the same...

Thanks for all the support everyone, I'm still having problems with comments so I haven't been able to respond directly. But know that I've read them and truly appreciate your words...


jumpinginpuddles said...

Even the most outwardly perfect relationship has flaws. If hearing his voice is triggering you stop and dont do it, i know this sounds bad but in reality what has he done that has been good for you, why celebrate something like a birthday when in reality he in one way or anotehr took all of your birthdays away.
Sorry if that sounds harsh

The Missing Link said...

long comment warning:

i wish i could offer you something that would pull you up & out of this place you've been caught in again... if you look at the big picture of the series of events though...

many situations in your recent past have "centered" around your father (not talking about therapy, just life stuff), but not in an inteional way. moreso like the world is "forcing" you to deal with all the shit that you've been through in ways that you dont expect.

there was the NY trip you were presented with. just thinking about that decision brought up an unreal amount of stress and memories for you... TOTALLY VALID.

and after really searching inside of yourself, you decided to go... but were also having mixed feelings while on the trip (is that right?) im sure physically being around your father brought up many more confusing & mixed emotions - on 1 hand, you are being an adult and trying to move forward by seeing him; on the other hand, you can never forget the amount of pain and turmoil this man has caused you... and continues to cause you thru your processing of these many painful experiences.

and then you took another HUGE step by trying one-on-one counseling for the first time. this is EXTREMELY scary... it took me months to feel comfortable enough w/my first counselor to the point where i felt like i was actually "healing."

and after that, you and your man decided to take the next step and move-in together soon... a happy & pleasant change for you! how's that going, by the way?? :)

now, you've been thrown into an strange & scary work situation... which i also totally get. at my last job, i would park blocks away for free street parking & would also always be scared of who would "befriend" me on the way to my car. i hated the sound of footprints behind me, pitch dark, quiet.. very stressful to deal w/that everyday. it drains on your internal-happy-tank to always be looking over your shoulder.

and on top of everything else, your father's birthday is around the corner... another "thing" that brings up all kinds of mixed feelings, emotions & confusions - do i call? do i not call?? for father's day, i just left a voice mail on my parent's machine b/c i didnt want to talk to him - still havent talked to my family since the funeral...

i just want to bulletpoint all of the craziness that you've been thrown up against the last while. you have been doing an INCREDIBLE amount of work processing & dealing with the cards you've been dealt throughout your life. and life today is throwing you obstacles, each one slowly testing you a little deeper, a little heavier... no wonder you're running on empty.

i hope this isn't just a shitload of rambling. instead, i hope you recognize that as painful and difficult as all this is, and as drained as you are, that you can recognize all of the progress you HAVE made thus far. its easy to forget that, esp. when you're at the center of it. you've done an unreal amount of soul-searching, and have been learning so much about yourself, your limits, your needs, your boundaries... this is how we get our life back, one heavy obstacle at a time.

and as far as the birthday call to your father goes, to be completely honest, i wouldn't even give it a second thought. you deserve to let your mind rest from any stressful decision making, esp. involving him. see how you feel when you wake up on his birthday... if you feel strong enough to leave a message, then great! but if something doesn't feel right, don't force yourself to do anything. you can always call on a day when you ARE strong enough, and say you had to work or something... screw it if you lie. you're allowed to tell a lie. you're allowed to do whatever you want in order to keep yourself safe, strong & healthy...

take care of yourself & i hope this helps :)

Wanda's Wings said...

If you must do something for you father(which he doesn't live up to be) Send him a card. Not a "I love you so much" type of card. Just a simple happy birthday. Tell him you are sorry, but you have other plans for the day.
I know how hard it is and so sorry you have this to deal with this. Remember being a father is more than what your dad ever was. I have trouble with the "father" thing too. I hate to say mine is dead and I am not sorry. I know that is cold, but he is not hurting anyone else any more.
Please take care of your self.

Revolutionary Blogger said...

I hope things get better. I'm sure its hard, but do not underestimate the benefits of sleep. If you can't sleep, try taking a few brief naps from time to time. They can be very therapeutic. In life when giant leaps seem challenging, baby steps are all that we have left.

cheesemeister said...

Don't feel ashamed about wanting a parent who would be kind and supportive of you. Parents are supposed to nurture their children. Your father was only serving his own desires and cared nothing about what happened to you. Of course you want a father who cares! Don't put yourself down for this.