Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Tired

I'm so tired. I just want to give up. I don't have the energy or the strength to keep fighting this.

I feel so incredibly hopeless.

I'm not worth it. I'm not worth helping.

Worthless.

It's not worth struggling through this. I always end up in the same place - feeling like a piece of a shit.

I hurt.
I'm sad. Beyond sad.

I want to give up. I want to sleep. Forever.

The tears are just pouring out, yet I'm feeling worse. I can't stop them.

I want to hurt myself. I want to cut. Slash. Erase the pain.

I wish I had the courage to just... fuck I don't know. Thoughts of killing myself are running rampant right now. The sweet relief. The end of turmoil.

I'm reading the contract I signed with my counsellor. I can't break it. I want to. I really really want to. But it's not the answer, I have to keep telling myself it's not the answer.

This too shall end.

But when?

I'm tired.

8 comments:

The Missing Link said...

damn - i know, survivor. ive been feeling so fucked up for so long. because i feel like we are the same person in a very weird, scary way, im going to write a post just to you - ive even been avoiding my writing like the plague, which is very strange b/c my writing has been my only sanity, my only confidant, my only friend. maybe this will be a good way to write to myself - kind of - if i write to you...

i am just royally, absolutely, positively FUCKED UP.

and even more scary than realizing that hopeless & beaten thought is this one:

I'm getting older and feeling worse... this is never going to end...

my constant thought: "... maybe the only way to end it forever is to end myself..."

fuck - if i had a nickel for everytime i thought that one...

Holly said...

Hi Survivor,
I am glad your back at home, sorry your having a tough time! chat soon, take care Holly

jumpinginpuddles said...

i dont know what to say LOl this is the third blog ive headed to that raise the same subject. I understand so completely and wish i had the answers to this question or diliberation but just dont never have and never will.
Guess all i can do is sit beside you offering a hand of friendship.

survivor said...

ML - we'll get through this shit together. We have to...

Holly - Thanks! Look forward to hearing from you, it's been a while!

JIP - I'm taking your hand in friendship and offering mine to you. Thanks friend

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know the feeling. Hang on a little longer. Sexual abuse kills the soul, but never give up. Don't let them win.

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. Please hang on. Sometimes it feel like that is all there is, PAIN. There is more. Don't let the predators win.

survivor said...

Thanks Wanda

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your pain... I too am an incest and rape survivor, as well as a survivor of other types of abuse/violence. Some of my wounds are over 25 years old and I still cry at night because of them.

It does not help that the psych industry invalidated some of my experiences for a long time because they were perpetrated by a close-age sibling. I still refuse to seek counseling out of fear I'm going to hear all over again that what I went through was "normal" when I bloody well know it wasn't.

Not sure if you'd be interested but Pandora's Aquarium is a great place for support and healing. I've been on there almost a year and it's a terrific place.

http://www.pandys.org

Take care.