Thursday, December 22, 2005

Pain

I am in so much pain. There is so much sadness and hurt in me that I feel like I am going to burst.

The past few weeks have been horrid, yesterday I took another blow. I have reached my breaking point. I can't take anymore, if one more thing happens before I can reach the surface again God help me...

It was my nephews birthday yesterday. Many months ago he said he wanted an MP3 player like his aunt (me) because he wants to be just like me. I got him an MP3 player for his birthday. I called my sister last night to see if I could go over and give it to him, to see that look on his face when he opened it. My sister told me that she invited my ex husband over and they were going out for dinner, so no, I can't come over. Once again, she has picked him over her own sister. She told me that I'm worthless. She started screaming into the phone, saying many hurtful things. I listened for a few minutes, trying to interrupt to see if I could get my nephew on the phone to wish him a happy birthday, but I finally hung up.

I don't understand why she continually hurts me, intentionally hurts me. I don't understand how she can associate with someone who hurt me, physically and emotionally. I don't think I want to understand actually.

I'm feeling very defeated. I want so very much to just give up. To crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and wait for death. To stop breathing, to stop feeling, to end everything. I know I can't though. No matter how much I hurt, I HAVE to keep going... there HAS to be light at the end of this hell...

Life is nothing but horrific glory...

1 comment:

Fallen Rose said...

I've had days like this. They suck.