Friday, December 30, 2005


I can't seem to shake myself of this funk.

I'm feeling:

I'm thinking:
I am so sick of this.
I can't keep going feeling crappy all the time.
Will this ever end?
Will I ever have stable emotions?

I just want to be "normal" I want to take an eraser and wipe out my past. I want to start over with a clean slate. I want to be able to sleep without nightmares. I want to be able to walk into my room and not feel scared. I want to be able to go for a walk without having to look behind me all the time to make sure he's not there. I want to be able to trust people, to stop second guessing every action, to stop waiting for them to hurt me. I want to be able to trust myself. I want to love myself. I want to be able to take care of myself and not feel guilty for doing so. I want to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day instead of wanting to dig a hole and hide forever. I want to experience innocence. I want to experience childhood. I want to experience the joy I missed in new experiences. I want a life without pain and sadness and grief and loss and memories and scars...

The hard part is accepting that I will never have any of that. I can never go back and recreate my childhood. I can only go forward into the unknown. I can only heal so much of my past to make the days bearable.

I don't think I will ever stop just surviving. I think the damage that was done runs so deep it will never fully heal. I think my life will always be tainted, but it will tolerably tainted instead of all consuming.

Can I accept that? Am I even on target thinking that? Is this the critic? Or am I writing what I truly believe?

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