Monday, December 26, 2005




How simple it is.

Closing my eyes and taking deep slow breaths over and over again has kept me sane these past few days.

I survived Christmas.

One done, one more to go!

I used to love the holiday season. I would get out all the decorations, the Christmas tree, and I would put everything up. Alone. I'd make myself hot chocolate, spike it with Baileys, put up all the decorations, decorate the Christmas tree and then sit back and admire my work. Alone. That started when I was twelve. It was sad putting up the tree by myself, but it was always beautiful. Always something I was proud of.

This year I didn't do much decorating. I bought a little tiny tree, one that you could put on your desk, got a string of lights and that was that.

I wasn't in the Christmas spirit. It was just another day as far as I was concerned. It was a sad day actually. It was the first time I didn't talk to or see my niece and nephew. It was the first time I didn't talk to my sister or my brother. I spent Christmas Eve with my brother though, and that was a good evening. Lots of wine and lots of laughter. I invited a good friend over for Christmas dinner as his family is in Spain and he was alone for the holidays. I couldn't let him be alone, I'm sure I wasn't very good company as I very quiet and withdrawn.

I haven't been myself lately. Not even close to the self that has been coming out of it's shell. I am fairly quiet and introverted at times, but lately, even in the company of my best friend I have been very introverted. I'm finding it incredibly hard to smile, even mustering up a fake one is proving to be very challenging. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep on the "face." I guess that's a good thing, progress even. As is the numbing myself and stuffing things down, ignoring them, it is taking more energy, more concentration than ever before.




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