hmmm...

I had a heck of a weekend.

Did the whole group of friends dinner and drinks on Friday night. Went to a party Saturday and had a really good time. One trigger the entire night. A friend of mine cornered me and had held my hands above my head and licked my neck and checks because he thought it was funny. I felt this rush of something, my stomach started doing flip flops and my heart was pounding. I said "Steve, stop" and he did, which is good. I completely hid and ignored what was going on inside of me and hid out in my boyfriends bedroom for a few minutes to calm down and breathe. It didn't work.

I went all out after that and got fairly intoxicated. Usually I stay sober at parties because I just don't trust anyone, but I couldn't quite shake the anxiety or panic or whatever it was so I drank it away. Incredibly stupid on my part, but I had already drank enough to be over the limit so I couldn't drive myself home, I wasn't drunk, but wasn't going to take a chance. That is a rather poor justification... I think I'll stick with the "I'm an idiot" and let it be with that!

I went to church yesterday. A nondenominational Christian church. A really close friend was being water baptized and she asked me if I would go to share it with her. I have never been to church, except for weddings and funerals so it was an enlightening experience. I will be going back next Sunday. The service was kind of triggering, the pastor talked a lot about forgiveness and salvation. The forgiveness part was really difficult to listen to as he kept mentioning forgiving those who have done us wrong can lead one to salvation and inner peace. Forgiveness is not even part of my vocabulary right now...

I'm back to being safely numb, aware enough to know there are feelings but just dumb enough to keep them at bay. I feel kind of stuck. I know I need to feel, I need to acknowledge the feelings and process them or else they just sit and stew within me. At the same time, I can't let myself do that. I don't think I will be able to function if I let the feelings surface. Last week was a terrible struggle. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to go to work. I had to force myself. I had to take one leg and put it on the floor and wait. Ten minutes later put my other leg on the floor and wait. Even though I was late for work every day, I look at it as an accomplishment because I FORCED myself to go. At the same time, in order to do that, I had to stuff everything down as best as I could and coast through my day. When I was finally finished work, I was too mentally exhausted from keeping everything at bay to even begin to let my feelings surface and start processing... wouldn't let myself hide either. I FORCED myself to be social, to surround myself with friends, people who I know care about me...