Sunday, December 18, 2005

The BIG question...

I need a weekend from my weekend!

I had a ton of fun running from everything this weekend, I was fairly numb starting Friday night until this evening. I have been awake early enough to watch the sunrise and waking up in time to watch the sunset!

I am now just coming down from the buzz of the festivities and numerous Christmas parties I attended.

And I did do things I regret this weekend... I smoked a couple joints. The first time, we were all just sitting around drinking and talking and it was handed it to me, without even thinking I had a hoot. Everyone just stared at me because I normally just pass it along without touching it. This time, I wanted some, the alcohol wasn't chasing away the feelings of sadness and I couldn't very well burn myself in amongst company, so I had a couple hoots. It has been 6 years since I touched pot and it was nothing like I remembered. Instead of nullifying the feelings, it increased them ten fold. It was terrible. I had to put the face on, not for everyone else, but for me this time. I just wasn't ready to deal with what I was feeling. The second time, I rolled it for them because they were too messed up to do it themselves, so to celebrate the rolling of the first joint in 6 years I of course had to have some! This time my entire body went numb and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I sat on the couch zoned out for hours. Today I feel retarded, seriously stupid. I can't think straight or concentrate long enough to do anything. Writing this is an incredible struggle. I think the mix of antidepressants, alcohol and pot really screwed me up and I'm hoping it goes away in time for work tomorrow or else it is going to be an interesting day.

To say the least, it's not something I am going to be doing again. I used to smoke pot like crazy when I was in high school. I would start my day with a big joint and then head off to school only to not go to any classes but go sit in a restaurant across the street drinking coffee all day. After school it would be time to hit the theatre or one of the studios around town for acting gigs and off to a friends place all night to drink and smoke to our hearts content. I am truly amazed I graduated, honors at that! I guess beneath all this surface stupidity there is a brain in there somewhere!

I guess all these stupid choices I've been making are stemming from my self hatred. If I hate myself, how can I make good healthy choices? So, the trick is to stop hating myself so I can start to make positive choices, the big question being, how do I stop hating myself?

1 comment:

solaris said...

I understand where you are coming from, I was raped in college. I never reported, never sought help for myself, I buried it. You are very brave and courageous for sharing your story. I hope someone reads this who is contemplating raping someone so they can see the long lasting effects it has on the victim, perhaps make them think twice before destroying someones life. Take good care of you.