Thursday, December 29, 2005


I have this inner critic, He doesn't have a name, but I have identified the critic as being male. He is male because I have been beaten down by males in my past. He kicks my ass repeatedly. He tells me I am stupid, worthless, no good, deserving of the abuse and a piece of shit. He controls everything about me. I'm scared to try something new because He pipes up and tells me I'm not good at anything so don't bother trying. If something remotely negative happens, He goes on a rampage screaming obscenities.

Sometimes I am able to kick Him out, lock Him up and go about my day without Him telling me things. More often then not however, He has full reign. I'm not really sure how to keep Him locked up. I have tried replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones, but He shouts over the positive thoughts, drowning them out.

In November I decided to volunteer for a local distress line, help others just like me when they need it the most. I bailed out in November, came up with a number of lame excuses and said I would partake in the training in January. Now that January is almost upon us, I am terrified and am trying to come up with more lame excuses to avoid the training. I am trying to understand the fear and panic that I feel when I think about the training.

I think He is the cause of it.

I don't think I can handle talking to people who want to commit suicide, who have been abused physically, emotionally and sexually. I know I certainly won't be able to talk to someone who is the abuser. At the same time, I want to talk to these people. I want to help them, listen to them, show them people do care. I want to make a positive impact on someones life. Even if it is just one person, one person who I can help see there is hope, one person I can talk off the proverbial ledge, just one, it will all be worth it. He keeps telling me I can't do it, I won't be able to do it, I'll just end up making people feel worse. I'll say something stupid and push them over the edge. He keeps telling me I'm nothing but a fuck up.

I want Him to go away.

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