Friday, December 16, 2005

Mess

I have been a complete and utter mess since the Tuesday run in with my father. I was able to keep everything stuffed down until last night. I burned myself 4 times, 4 serious immediate blistering burns.

I am trying so hard to resist the urge to burn myself right now. I think it may be a losing battle, but right now I'm really trying.

I have had a terrible week. A terrible past few weeks actually. This is "normal" for me though. Every year since I was raped when I was 18, the depression worsens from around this time until after Valentines Day, the horrific day. Usually it's not this bad until after Christmas, but I'm scrooge this year. Fuck Christmas, it's just another day as far as I'm concerned.

I am going to a huge house party tonight, I am going to drink myself stupid. Anything that will take away this self hatred I am feeling is more than welcome right now. And the stupid thing is, I know I will regret doing anything I might do tonight. I just need to have some kind of escape right now, the burning isn't doing it. I almost don't feel it anymore, it takes longer and more burns at once to take away the pain and I'm scared that if it stops working, what will I do next out of desperation?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't do anything stupid or something you are going to regret, it only makes healing harder

a survivor of CSA said...

saying "don't do..." to someone who has been controlled and abused from an early age is very disempowering for a survivor.