Microscope

For the next week I am putting myself under the proverbial microscope and undertaking some serious self exploration.

I am going to start with my good buddy, Resistance.

I have been fighting the Resistance. It's not so much the action of Resistance, but my judgement of it. I don't like feeling resistant, I don't like not trusting things. Especially the process, and most of all my counsellor.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and processing for the past few days, and the basis of the Resistance is fear. I am scared of the process, I am scared of the changes in me that have already occurred, and that are going to occur. I am scared of giving up my coping methods, maladaptive and damaging as they may be, they are almost like a security blanket. Something that I've created that has been a constant in my life, and having something constant and dependable is not something I have ever really experienced. Which leads me into the next piece of the Resistance and trust...

My counsellor. Every week I can depend on her, every week she gives me her full attention and support. And honestly, it is starting to become unnerving. I am not used to this attention, genuine attention and support. I am not used to having a safe environment in which to discuss my deepest thoughts, feelings, memories. It scares me because I don't think I deserve it and I have this fear that I will lose it, that something or someone will come along and take it away. And I know how irrational and stupid that is, but it's true. Most things positive in my past have been taken away or destroyed by someone, mainly my father. And I know, I know he can't take anything else away, and it's retarded to have such a dumb fear... I mean, the counselling will be there as long as I need it to be, no one but me, for the most part, can take it away...

Stupid fears...

Damn trust...