Funk

I can't seem to shake myself of this funk.

I'm feeling:
sad
lonely
overwhelmed
scared
bored
anxious

I'm thinking:
I am so sick of this.
I can't keep going feeling crappy all the time.
Will this ever end?
Will I ever have stable emotions?

I just want to be "normal" I want to take an eraser and wipe out my past. I want to start over with a clean slate. I want to be able to sleep without nightmares. I want to be able to walk into my room and not feel scared. I want to be able to go for a walk without having to look behind me all the time to make sure he's not there. I want to be able to trust people, to stop second guessing every action, to stop waiting for them to hurt me. I want to be able to trust myself. I want to love myself. I want to be able to take care of myself and not feel guilty for doing so. I want to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day instead of wanting to dig a hole and hide forever. I want to experience innocence. I want to experience childhood. I want to experience the joy I missed in new experiences. I want a life without pain and sadness and grief and loss and memories and scars...

The hard part is accepting that I will never have any of that. I can never go back and recreate my childhood. I can only go forward into the unknown. I can only heal so much of my past to make the days bearable.

I don't think I will ever stop just surviving. I think the damage that was done runs so deep it will never fully heal. I think my life will always be tainted, but it will tolerably tainted instead of all consuming.

Can I accept that? Am I even on target thinking that? Is this the critic? Or am I writing what I truly believe?

Why?

Why do I hurt so much?

Why do I hate myself so much?

Why did he have to hurt me?

Why did no one protect me?

Why did the grown ups look the other way and let him hurt me?

Why didn't anyone help me?

Why didn't anyone see what was happening?

Why didn't anyone pick up on the signs?

Why couldn't anyone see I was suicidal?

Why can't they see that I still am suicidal?

Why doesn't anyone notice I hurt myself?

Why don't people ask whats wrong when I'm withdrawn and "spaced" out?

Why does my family have to hurt me?

Why didn't the doctor do anything when I had a mysterious infection "there" when I was 7?

Why didn't the doctor wonder why I was always getting bladder infections?

Why didn't the doctor do anything about the scars on my inner thighs?

Why did she stay with him after my sister told?

Why didn't she protect me?

Why did she always yell and hit me?

Why am I always so angry?

Why am I so scared?

Why can't I feel things like a "normal" person?

Why can't I cry?

Why can't I trust anyone?

Why can't I trust myself?

Why can't I look myself in the eye in the mirror?

Why am I sad most of the time?

Why am I always on an emotional roller coaster?

WHY?

Him

I have this inner critic, He doesn't have a name, but I have identified the critic as being male. He is male because I have been beaten down by males in my past. He kicks my ass repeatedly. He tells me I am stupid, worthless, no good, deserving of the abuse and a piece of shit. He controls everything about me. I'm scared to try something new because He pipes up and tells me I'm not good at anything so don't bother trying. If something remotely negative happens, He goes on a rampage screaming obscenities.

Sometimes I am able to kick Him out, lock Him up and go about my day without Him telling me things. More often then not however, He has full reign. I'm not really sure how to keep Him locked up. I have tried replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones, but He shouts over the positive thoughts, drowning them out.

In November I decided to volunteer for a local distress line, help others just like me when they need it the most. I bailed out in November, came up with a number of lame excuses and said I would partake in the training in January. Now that January is almost upon us, I am terrified and am trying to come up with more lame excuses to avoid the training. I am trying to understand the fear and panic that I feel when I think about the training.

I think He is the cause of it.

I don't think I can handle talking to people who want to commit suicide, who have been abused physically, emotionally and sexually. I know I certainly won't be able to talk to someone who is the abuser. At the same time, I want to talk to these people. I want to help them, listen to them, show them people do care. I want to make a positive impact on someones life. Even if it is just one person, one person who I can help see there is hope, one person I can talk off the proverbial ledge, just one, it will all be worth it. He keeps telling me I can't do it, I won't be able to do it, I'll just end up making people feel worse. I'll say something stupid and push them over the edge. He keeps telling me I'm nothing but a fuck up.

I want Him to go away.

Nada

I don't really have anything to say, I just feel like writing.

I'm reading this incredible book, "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey - it's his story of being in a Drug Treatment Center. It is very hard to read because it's almost like I'm reading about myself. Granted, I've never been in rehab and have no reason to go, but the raw emotions he describes, the rage, the shame and the blame I can identify with on so many deep profound levels.

He also wrote about self injury to control his "Fury" and how by ripping off his toe nail the "Fury" was fed by his pain and diminished with the more pain he felt. He described it in such a way that I was right there with him in a sense, I knew exactly what he was talking about. What he was experiencing.

It's amazing that people who suffer from things that are miles apart in experience are so close in emotion.

Strength...

I can light a candle

or

I can curse the darkness.

I'm choosing to light a candle.

If the candle goes out

I'll honor the darkness

And light it again

And again

And again

And again

Breathe

Inhale.

Exhale.

How simple it is.

Closing my eyes and taking deep slow breaths over and over again has kept me sane these past few days.

I survived Christmas.

One done, one more to go!

I used to love the holiday season. I would get out all the decorations, the Christmas tree, and I would put everything up. Alone. I'd make myself hot chocolate, spike it with Baileys, put up all the decorations, decorate the Christmas tree and then sit back and admire my work. Alone. That started when I was twelve. It was sad putting up the tree by myself, but it was always beautiful. Always something I was proud of.

This year I didn't do much decorating. I bought a little tiny tree, one that you could put on your desk, got a string of lights and that was that.

I wasn't in the Christmas spirit. It was just another day as far as I was concerned. It was a sad day actually. It was the first time I didn't talk to or see my niece and nephew. It was the first time I didn't talk to my sister or my brother. I spent Christmas Eve with my brother though, and that was a good evening. Lots of wine and lots of laughter. I invited a good friend over for Christmas dinner as his family is in Spain and he was alone for the holidays. I couldn't let him be alone, I'm sure I wasn't very good company as I very quiet and withdrawn.

I haven't been myself lately. Not even close to the self that has been coming out of it's shell. I am fairly quiet and introverted at times, but lately, even in the company of my best friend I have been very introverted. I'm finding it incredibly hard to smile, even mustering up a fake one is proving to be very challenging. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep on the "face." I guess that's a good thing, progress even. As is the numbing myself and stuffing things down, ignoring them, it is taking more energy, more concentration than ever before.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Progress.

Pain

I am in so much pain. There is so much sadness and hurt in me that I feel like I am going to burst.

The past few weeks have been horrid, yesterday I took another blow. I have reached my breaking point. I can't take anymore, if one more thing happens before I can reach the surface again God help me...

It was my nephews birthday yesterday. Many months ago he said he wanted an MP3 player like his aunt (me) because he wants to be just like me. I got him an MP3 player for his birthday. I called my sister last night to see if I could go over and give it to him, to see that look on his face when he opened it. My sister told me that she invited my ex husband over and they were going out for dinner, so no, I can't come over. Once again, she has picked him over her own sister. She told me that I'm worthless. She started screaming into the phone, saying many hurtful things. I listened for a few minutes, trying to interrupt to see if I could get my nephew on the phone to wish him a happy birthday, but I finally hung up.

I don't understand why she continually hurts me, intentionally hurts me. I don't understand how she can associate with someone who hurt me, physically and emotionally. I don't think I want to understand actually.

I'm feeling very defeated. I want so very much to just give up. To crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and wait for death. To stop breathing, to stop feeling, to end everything. I know I can't though. No matter how much I hurt, I HAVE to keep going... there HAS to be light at the end of this hell...

Life is nothing but horrific glory...

WTF

I can't take anymore.

What the fuck have I done to deserve this shit? What lessons am I supposed to learn? How much pain do I have to endure?

I can't do it anymore.

Every time I turn around it's something else, it's someone else hurting me.

It's my family. My own blood that sets out to cause me so much pain and WHY? Am I that unlovable? Am I that unwanted?

And some people wonder why I hate myself...

ARG!

I am so sick of this, whatever this is. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to be held, to be comforted. I want to run, screaming my head off all the while. I want to disappear. I want to dig a hole and hide. I want to take a bat and beat the hell out of something.

There is a lot of anxiety and panic. Fight or flight syndrome... I'm ready to take flight!

I'm ready to cut myself, to mutilate myself so that I am truly ugly from the outside in, to make my outside match how I see my inside.

How crazy is that?

The BIG question...

I need a weekend from my weekend!

I had a ton of fun running from everything this weekend, I was fairly numb starting Friday night until this evening. I have been awake early enough to watch the sunrise and waking up in time to watch the sunset!

I am now just coming down from the buzz of the festivities and numerous Christmas parties I attended.

And I did do things I regret this weekend... I smoked a couple joints. The first time, we were all just sitting around drinking and talking and it was handed it to me, without even thinking I had a hoot. Everyone just stared at me because I normally just pass it along without touching it. This time, I wanted some, the alcohol wasn't chasing away the feelings of sadness and I couldn't very well burn myself in amongst company, so I had a couple hoots. It has been 6 years since I touched pot and it was nothing like I remembered. Instead of nullifying the feelings, it increased them ten fold. It was terrible. I had to put the face on, not for everyone else, but for me this time. I just wasn't ready to deal with what I was feeling. The second time, I rolled it for them because they were too messed up to do it themselves, so to celebrate the rolling of the first joint in 6 years I of course had to have some! This time my entire body went numb and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I sat on the couch zoned out for hours. Today I feel retarded, seriously stupid. I can't think straight or concentrate long enough to do anything. Writing this is an incredible struggle. I think the mix of antidepressants, alcohol and pot really screwed me up and I'm hoping it goes away in time for work tomorrow or else it is going to be an interesting day.

To say the least, it's not something I am going to be doing again. I used to smoke pot like crazy when I was in high school. I would start my day with a big joint and then head off to school only to not go to any classes but go sit in a restaurant across the street drinking coffee all day. After school it would be time to hit the theatre or one of the studios around town for acting gigs and off to a friends place all night to drink and smoke to our hearts content. I am truly amazed I graduated, honors at that! I guess beneath all this surface stupidity there is a brain in there somewhere!

I guess all these stupid choices I've been making are stemming from my self hatred. If I hate myself, how can I make good healthy choices? So, the trick is to stop hating myself so I can start to make positive choices, the big question being, how do I stop hating myself?

Mess

I have been a complete and utter mess since the Tuesday run in with my father. I was able to keep everything stuffed down until last night. I burned myself 4 times, 4 serious immediate blistering burns.

I am trying so hard to resist the urge to burn myself right now. I think it may be a losing battle, but right now I'm really trying.

I have had a terrible week. A terrible past few weeks actually. This is "normal" for me though. Every year since I was raped when I was 18, the depression worsens from around this time until after Valentines Day, the horrific day. Usually it's not this bad until after Christmas, but I'm scrooge this year. Fuck Christmas, it's just another day as far as I'm concerned.

I am going to a huge house party tonight, I am going to drink myself stupid. Anything that will take away this self hatred I am feeling is more than welcome right now. And the stupid thing is, I know I will regret doing anything I might do tonight. I just need to have some kind of escape right now, the burning isn't doing it. I almost don't feel it anymore, it takes longer and more burns at once to take away the pain and I'm scared that if it stops working, what will I do next out of desperation?

Stupidity

I saw my father last night.

His wife called and invited me over for dinner, I initially said no I'm busy. She kept calling me, telling me they miss me, I finally gave in. I shouldn't have given in.

I asked my boyfriend to go with me, and he did. Having him there didn't give me the protection I had hoped it would.

My boyfriend was on the other side of the room looking at the suit of armour when my father walked up behind me, grabbed my ass with both hands, rubbed it and then pinched me. He then walked in front of me and pushed his arm into my breasts and gave me the smile I still have nightmares about.

I split instantly. I don't remember anything after that, the conversation, nothing. I went through the rest of the evening an autopilot and left shortly after dinner.

I am such an idiot for going, I brought that on myself because I went. Granted I wasn't wearing a please touch my ass sign, but if I hadn't made the choice to see him, it never would have happened...

Hope

I found a new inspiration, a new energy...

Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live
that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

I'll explain later why it's my hope and inspiration...

Microscope

For the next week I am putting myself under the proverbial microscope and undertaking some serious self exploration.

I am going to start with my good buddy, Resistance.

I have been fighting the Resistance. It's not so much the action of Resistance, but my judgement of it. I don't like feeling resistant, I don't like not trusting things. Especially the process, and most of all my counsellor.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and processing for the past few days, and the basis of the Resistance is fear. I am scared of the process, I am scared of the changes in me that have already occurred, and that are going to occur. I am scared of giving up my coping methods, maladaptive and damaging as they may be, they are almost like a security blanket. Something that I've created that has been a constant in my life, and having something constant and dependable is not something I have ever really experienced. Which leads me into the next piece of the Resistance and trust...

My counsellor. Every week I can depend on her, every week she gives me her full attention and support. And honestly, it is starting to become unnerving. I am not used to this attention, genuine attention and support. I am not used to having a safe environment in which to discuss my deepest thoughts, feelings, memories. It scares me because I don't think I deserve it and I have this fear that I will lose it, that something or someone will come along and take it away. And I know how irrational and stupid that is, but it's true. Most things positive in my past have been taken away or destroyed by someone, mainly my father. And I know, I know he can't take anything else away, and it's retarded to have such a dumb fear... I mean, the counselling will be there as long as I need it to be, no one but me, for the most part, can take it away...

Stupid fears...

Damn trust...

Finally

I was able to get a few hours of sleep today.

Not solid sleep, but interrupted sleep. I'd be asleep for a few minutes and jump awake and then fall asleep again. Got about 4 hours or so...

At this point, I'll gladly take what I can get...

Sleep

I can't keep doing this. I haven't slept since Sunday.

The second I start to fall asleep I am jolted awake by a flashback or nightmare.

It's driving me crazy.

Here it is, 3am and I'm awake, lying in bed typing this. I start work in two hours and I have been awake since Sunday.

I'm calling in sick.

I can't even think straight at this point. Normally I can get a couple hours of sleep per day which is OK, it's just barely enough to get by on, but no sleep since Sunday morning is an entirely different thing.

I don't know what to do anymore. OTC sleeping pills don't work worth a damn, I don't want to get prescription sleeping pills because I don't want to be stuck sleeping while having a nightmare, if that is even possible...

Questions

I need a boost of encouragement, or a kick in the ass, I'm not sure which!

What is on the other side of this humongous mountain? How many hidden peaks and valleys are there before I reach the top?

I find it incredibly hard to trust something that is not tangible. Have trust in the process I'm told, have faith in healing.

How?

How do I trust something when trusting things have caused so much damage?

How do I trust the unknown when the known hurts?

Why do I keep going back and forth with trusting the process, trust in general?

hmmm...

I had a heck of a weekend.

Did the whole group of friends dinner and drinks on Friday night. Went to a party Saturday and had a really good time. One trigger the entire night. A friend of mine cornered me and had held my hands above my head and licked my neck and checks because he thought it was funny. I felt this rush of something, my stomach started doing flip flops and my heart was pounding. I said "Steve, stop" and he did, which is good. I completely hid and ignored what was going on inside of me and hid out in my boyfriends bedroom for a few minutes to calm down and breathe. It didn't work.

I went all out after that and got fairly intoxicated. Usually I stay sober at parties because I just don't trust anyone, but I couldn't quite shake the anxiety or panic or whatever it was so I drank it away. Incredibly stupid on my part, but I had already drank enough to be over the limit so I couldn't drive myself home, I wasn't drunk, but wasn't going to take a chance. That is a rather poor justification... I think I'll stick with the "I'm an idiot" and let it be with that!

I went to church yesterday. A nondenominational Christian church. A really close friend was being water baptized and she asked me if I would go to share it with her. I have never been to church, except for weddings and funerals so it was an enlightening experience. I will be going back next Sunday. The service was kind of triggering, the pastor talked a lot about forgiveness and salvation. The forgiveness part was really difficult to listen to as he kept mentioning forgiving those who have done us wrong can lead one to salvation and inner peace. Forgiveness is not even part of my vocabulary right now...

I'm back to being safely numb, aware enough to know there are feelings but just dumb enough to keep them at bay. I feel kind of stuck. I know I need to feel, I need to acknowledge the feelings and process them or else they just sit and stew within me. At the same time, I can't let myself do that. I don't think I will be able to function if I let the feelings surface. Last week was a terrible struggle. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to go to work. I had to force myself. I had to take one leg and put it on the floor and wait. Ten minutes later put my other leg on the floor and wait. Even though I was late for work every day, I look at it as an accomplishment because I FORCED myself to go. At the same time, in order to do that, I had to stuff everything down as best as I could and coast through my day. When I was finally finished work, I was too mentally exhausted from keeping everything at bay to even begin to let my feelings surface and start processing... wouldn't let myself hide either. I FORCED myself to be social, to surround myself with friends, people who I know care about me...

"Something"

I received quite possibly the best compliment I have ever gotten yesterday. I can't quite make heads or tails of it though...

I went for dinner and drinks with a group of friends last night. We were sitting there enjoying our calamari and beers when one friend looked at me and said "y'know there's something about you" I just looked at him with a stupid look on my face "what the hell are you talking about?" Another friend chimed in and said that there's some energy or something about me that she loves, that draws people in, that charms them. I just sat there thinking "what the hell" and said "yeah, OK, whatever guys." Next thing I know there are 7 people sitting there talking about me like I'm not even there!

One person, who I've just recently started spending time with said I always make her feel better about herself. She said I have this uncanny way of lifting her spirit and she loves it. She said there was something about me when we first she met that drew her to me and that is incredibly happy to be friends with someone like me.

My boyfriend told me that I am the most incredible person he has ever met. He told me that there is a spark, something he's never seen before that emanates from my eyes and smile, from the way I can look at people and bring something to life inside of them that makes them want to dance, laugh, and cry all at once.

Everyone nodded in agreement as I sat there with a gigantic smile on my face thinking they're all on crack or something.

I have no idea what started the conversation.

I don't think there is "something" special about me at all...

Blah

So far I have managed not to hurt myself. I stayed extremely busy all day yesterday to prevent it. So far so good...

I had a nice little surprise yesterday actually. A good friend of mine got a hamster for her son a few weeks ago, he's absolutely terrified of it! She needed to get rid of it and the pet store wouldn't take her back, so I now have a hamster. My house is turning into a real zoo! I don't mind actually, I love animals, they're better and safer than some people... and where else can you get companionship and unconditional love like that? I was actually giggling yesterday playing with Sadie (the hamster) and chasing her around the living room.

My mood hasn't really improved, kind of rollercoasterie, but still haven't hit the happy medium I've been coasting on for the past while.

I'm starting to figure out that you can't help how you feel, but you can control how the feelings impact you, to an extent anyway. Normally I retreat and isolate myself from the world until these feelings dispersed to a more tolerable level, so far this week, I'm not doing that. I would like to, mind you, but I'm not letting myself. Instead I am still seeing my friends and doing other things I enjoy doing.

I guess that's a step in the right direction...

Shattered

Today I have been on the verge of tears since I crawled out of bed at quarter to five this morning.

There was a big mess up at work, and my manager is trying to pin it on me and my two other co-workers. We are fighting back full force as the problem was not our fault and management needs to take responsibility. It may cost all three of us our jobs if she does not take ownership. And we have been threatened with termination. My thoughts are fucking go for it! In the words of Dirty Harry "Make my day..."

Today, I really don't care about anything. I'm at the bottom of the well, slumped down in the murky water wishing it would just cover my head and take me away. The funny thing is, I'm trying desperately not to burn or cut myself. So in retrospect, I guess I do care...

I have reached out to friends, tried talking to them, but they are in a rather messy spot as well and we are ending up triggering each other. I can't seem to find the music that will soothe and alleviate some of the feelings I'm feeling - which I don't even know what they are! Writing this right now is not really helping either, it just doesn't feel a therapeutic as it usually is.