Thursday, January 26, 2006

Fear and Anger and Cutting

There is an incredible amount of red hot anger brewing in me. I won't let myself get angry at the people who hurt me because I still believe I am at fault. Instead, I'm misdirecting my anger to try to push people away, to make them give up on me. To make them see me how I see myself - a lost cause. And when I'm not directing it at undeserving people, I'm directing it at myself.

I've lost interest again in mostly everything I enjoy... the only things I want to do are lay in bed and stare at the wall or drink myself stupid. I'm not performing at work, I haven't been for a while now. I'm late everyday and spend most of my time just sitting there like a blob. I'm not taking care of myself, I'm not sleeping, I'm either starving myself or binging on comfort food... I'm going through the motions of being alive, I'm putting on such a wonderful act for my friends they are completely clueless.

I've been looking for things to keep going. Making plans of sorts that I can hold on to and keep living for... I'm trying to create aspirations for myself, goals to reach before I die but I really don't give a fuck.

I'm scared to share this because I'm terrified of the reaction I may get...

I cut myself again. Four times. Once on my upper arm, once on my chest, twice on my legs.

My counsellor asked if there was a correlation between my hurting myself and our relationship. This time, I would have to yes. A lot of the emotions I was trying to dampen were directly related to her being disappointed in me and the guilt and shame and disappointment in myself I felt as a result. Those feelings were already present before hand coupled with fear of being honest and admitting to her what I did. I am absolutely terrified to tell her I cut myself yet again, terrified of the reaction I am going to get. I can't handle hearing more disappointment. I can't handle having her disappointment mounted on top of my giant pile of disappointment and self loathing.

At the same time, I need to be held accountable for my actions and how my actions affect others.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I've completely lost my mind...

2 comments:

Admin said...

Dear Survivor,
I hate to hear your cutting again, I wish for you only that the pain your experiencing will not lead you to cutting. The book CUTTING by Steven Levenkron may be one you would like to look up. Take care

Anonymous said...

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." Revelation 3:20

Survivor, there is someone knocking at your door, he has a gift for you... the gift of life...