There is an incredible amount of red hot anger brewing in me. I won't let myself get angry at the people who hurt me because I still believe I am at fault. Instead, I'm misdirecting my anger to try to push people away, to make them give up on me. To make them see me how I see myself - a lost cause. And when I'm not directing it at undeserving people, I'm directing it at myself.
I've lost interest again in mostly everything I enjoy... the only things I want to do are lay in bed and stare at the wall or drink myself stupid. I'm not performing at work, I haven't been for a while now. I'm late everyday and spend most of my time just sitting there like a blob. I'm not taking care of myself, I'm not sleeping, I'm either starving myself or binging on comfort food... I'm going through the motions of being alive, I'm putting on such a wonderful act for my friends they are completely clueless.
I've been looking for things to keep going. Making plans of sorts that I can hold on to and keep living for... I'm trying to create aspirations for myself, goals to reach before I die but I really don't give a fuck.
I'm scared to share this because I'm terrified of the reaction I may get...
I cut myself again. Four times. Once on my upper arm, once on my chest, twice on my legs.
My counsellor asked if there was a correlation between my hurting myself and our relationship. This time, I would have to yes. A lot of the emotions I was trying to dampen were directly related to her being disappointed in me and the guilt and shame and disappointment in myself I felt as a result. Those feelings were already present before hand coupled with fear of being honest and admitting to her what I did. I am absolutely terrified to tell her I cut myself yet again, terrified of the reaction I am going to get. I can't handle hearing more disappointment. I can't handle having her disappointment mounted on top of my giant pile of disappointment and self loathing.
At the same time, I need to be held accountable for my actions and how my actions affect others.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I've completely lost my mind...