Thursday, January 26, 2006

Fear and Anger and Cutting

There is an incredible amount of red hot anger brewing in me. I won't let myself get angry at the people who hurt me because I still believe I am at fault. Instead, I'm misdirecting my anger to try to push people away, to make them give up on me. To make them see me how I see myself - a lost cause. And when I'm not directing it at undeserving people, I'm directing it at myself.

I've lost interest again in mostly everything I enjoy... the only things I want to do are lay in bed and stare at the wall or drink myself stupid. I'm not performing at work, I haven't been for a while now. I'm late everyday and spend most of my time just sitting there like a blob. I'm not taking care of myself, I'm not sleeping, I'm either starving myself or binging on comfort food... I'm going through the motions of being alive, I'm putting on such a wonderful act for my friends they are completely clueless.

I've been looking for things to keep going. Making plans of sorts that I can hold on to and keep living for... I'm trying to create aspirations for myself, goals to reach before I die but I really don't give a fuck.

I'm scared to share this because I'm terrified of the reaction I may get...

I cut myself again. Four times. Once on my upper arm, once on my chest, twice on my legs.

My counsellor asked if there was a correlation between my hurting myself and our relationship. This time, I would have to yes. A lot of the emotions I was trying to dampen were directly related to her being disappointed in me and the guilt and shame and disappointment in myself I felt as a result. Those feelings were already present before hand coupled with fear of being honest and admitting to her what I did. I am absolutely terrified to tell her I cut myself yet again, terrified of the reaction I am going to get. I can't handle hearing more disappointment. I can't handle having her disappointment mounted on top of my giant pile of disappointment and self loathing.

At the same time, I need to be held accountable for my actions and how my actions affect others.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I've completely lost my mind...

3 comments:

Holly said...

Dear Survivor,
I hate to hear your cutting again, I wish for you only that the pain your experiencing will not lead you to cutting. The book CUTTING by Steven Levenkron may be one you would like to look up. Take care

Revolutionary Blogger said...

Survivor,

I hope things get better for you. A lot of times, at least for myself, I have noticed life seem better if you take things in a global context. I know it can be hard at times, but if you count your blessings you will see how your life is better then 2/3 of the people on this planet.

For example:

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death;
1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.The following is also something to ponder...

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ...you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.

If you can read this, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

Take Care

Anonymous said...

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." Revelation 3:20

Survivor, there is someone knocking at your door, he has a gift for you... the gift of life...