Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Disappointment

I didn't think hearing the words "I'm disappointed" would hit me so hard. Instantly there was overwhelming sadness and shame and guilt and the tears just started.

I don't remember ever disappointing someone who actually mattered, who I trust and respect. I'm sure I have numerous times, but don't remember being told that. It actually hurt. The disappointment and anger with myself increased ten fold.

I've been thinking a lot about this, about the impact and why it was so powerful and overwhelming.... because of growing up with people letting me down, disappointing me... I try so hard not to let anyone else down and I'm sure I have but they've never actually told me that I have... I've been disappointed an enormous amount in my 25 years, and disappointing someone else makes me feel like a failure.

Disappointing myself makes me feel like the ultimate fuck up.

Not only did I break the contract and do drugs, I cut the fuck out of my arm.

Here I am, continuing to beat myself up. I made a mistake. People make mistakes all the time. I need to resolve that I made a mistake, and I am going to do everything I can not to repeat that mistake. I'm going to take this as a learning experience, a very harsh learning experience and do just that... learn!

2 comments:

Revolutionary Blogger said...

Great blog you got here! Stay strong and keep up the good work!

Holly said...

To a wonderful person who I admire as a blogger. We all make mistakes, you were strong enough to know that you made a mistake, strong enough to know you WANT to make it right!
That is courage my friend!
To know that you have accept your role in the mistake, want change! Take care do not be so hard on yourself!