I didn't think hearing the words "I'm disappointed" would hit me so hard. Instantly there was overwhelming sadness and shame and guilt and the tears just started.
I don't remember ever disappointing someone who actually mattered, who I trust and respect. I'm sure I have numerous times, but don't remember being told that. It actually hurt. The disappointment and anger with myself increased ten fold.
I've been thinking a lot about this, about the impact and why it was so powerful and overwhelming.... because of growing up with people letting me down, disappointing me... I try so hard not to let anyone else down and I'm sure I have but they've never actually told me that I have... I've been disappointed an enormous amount in my 25 years, and disappointing someone else makes me feel like a failure.
Disappointing myself makes me feel like the ultimate fuck up.
Not only did I break the contract and do drugs, I cut the fuck out of my arm.
Here I am, continuing to beat myself up. I made a mistake. People make mistakes all the time. I need to resolve that I made a mistake, and I am going to do everything I can not to repeat that mistake. I'm going to take this as a learning experience, a very harsh learning experience and do just that... learn!