Friday, January 20, 2006

26 days

I am weak. If I'm not strong, what is the opposite strong? WEAK.

I don't understand how this happened. I went from being partially OK to a fucking basket case in less than 24 hours. Actually, I take that back... I know how it happened, but why did I LET it happen?
Pointless question...
26 days!
26 days of not burning or cutting myself. That's pretty good. Trying not minimize it.
Been told to be gentle with myself. Kind to myself.
How does one be kind and gentle when they don't much like themselves?? (I won't say hate, because on some rare occasions, I actually like me!) How do I have empathy towards myself when I feel angry and responsible for what happened? I need to be drawn a map, to be told step by step exactly how to achieve this, because I just DON'T know how to do it.
I can be kind to others, I can be gentle, I can be empathic... because I believe they DESERVE it. They DESERVE kindness, compassion and empathy. So, WHY don't I? How do I convince myself that I do? Do I just decide that I do and be done with it? On days where I'm feeling partially OK, I believe I do deserve it, but on days like today... I don't. I just don't. Don't ask why, because I just don't know.
I'm sick of being asked why or how all the time... why do you feel this way? why did you react that way? How do you feel? How do you think you feel? How did it feel? The how did it feel... it was so hard to fight my first reaction of response. I wanted to scream how the fuck do you think it felt???
If feelings are neither wrong nor right, they just are... then why do I have to have a reason for feeling them? They just are...
Why do I have to have a reason for everything? I'm sick of being under the microscope, frustrated with being challenged all the time. Down right angry that this shit gets stirred up and I'm on my own to deal with it. I've spent the greater part of my life on my own, well I don't want to be alone anymore...
I just want to Be...
26 days...
I cut myself today, well I guess yesterday since it is after midnight! I cut my arm. Two deep cuts. I watched the blood slowly run down my arm and I felt nothing. The cuts didn't do a fucking thing. They didn't stop the pain, the sadness. Nothing. I barely felt them. 12 hours later, I look at them and want to make them deeper. I want to cause myself so much harm to make my outside look the way I feel on the inside.
26 days...
What is it that I'm supposed to be proud of again?

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