Monday, January 09, 2006


I'm feeling really good, not a sad bone in my body!

I can see how it would be so easy to fall further into this trap of drugs and alcohol. I've been here before, only much much worse. I can feel myself falling, but I can see the warning signs this time. It's time to decide if I want to pay attention to the warning signs and walk away, or continue to have fun and take a huge risk with my life.

It's so much easier to smoke a joint and forget about everything. It's so much easier to drink a bottle of wine and forget about everything. Maybe this is a part of my healing, maybe this is just me being a dumbass. Maybe I'm doing this because there is something going on inside me that is so unbearable I'm using more maladaptive coping methods. There is one positive to my actions, I have not burned or cut myself in 17 days. However, I am replacing one maladaptive behaviour with another.

The current behavior is much more enjoyable and isn't leaving any noticeable scars. And the effects last much longer. A burn only ceases the emotional pain momentarily, whereas smoking a joint takes it all away for a few hours. Drinking a bottle of wine lasts all night.

Choices... which one do I choose?

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