Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Intolerable Sadness

I don't even know what to write. I've written about sadness numerous times, I don't think there is anything left to say...

The tears just won't stop coming...

I'm trying to fight the urge to flee from my feelings. To run from writing. To hide from the process of healing.

I haven't been being honest with anyone lately, especially myself.

I keep telling myself that I'm OK. That there's nothing wrong. That I'm happy. That there is no reason for feeling the way I've been feeling. I've been trying to minimize my pain, to make it go away. It's only making everything that much worse.

I have an incredible hold on my feelings. I can put a pin in them and tuck them away deep inside. I can put myself in such deep denial I actually scare myself sometimes.

So, I'm going to be honest right now. I need to clarify that these feelings and thoughts are not a result of recent events, these are things that I've been feeling and thinking for a very long time, I've just been denying them... trying to will them away...

I hate myself. I wish I was dead. I drive myself crazy with negative thoughts all the time - I'm a failure, I'm stupid, I'm worthless, I don't deserve help, I don't deserve the people who care about me, I don't deserve support, I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve the fortunes I do have. And honestly, I don't want them either. I have incredible friends, people whom I love and deeply care for. I want them to go away, I want them to leave me alone, I want them to forget I exist - I want to isolate myself completely so as I continue to self destruct the only person it hurts is me, and honestly, I don't really give a fuck if I get hurt. I stopped caring about that right around the same time my ex-husband broke my jaw. The man who supposedly loved me hurt me constantly.

In my mind, if I keep hurting myself in the worst possible ways, then no one else can hurt me again.

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