Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Dear Mom

You claim ignorance for many things, yet I feel that somewhere deep inside you there is knowledge of the things that happened years ago. I think in order for you to function, you turned your head the other way and let things happen that you know should not happen.

I can understand being scared for I have been scared my entire life. Living in fear is not living, it is merely etching out a meager existence. This I think we can both agree on.

You have told me stories of your life growing up with an abusive mother and father. Your stories of being sexually abused and the anger, fear, shame, and guilt that surrounded your experiences. I empathize with you as I live that very darkness myself.

What I don't understand, as being a victim and survivor yourself, how you could possibly turn your head and look the other way? Were you so afraid of what was happening that you couldn't bear to see the truth? Or, did you simply just not know? Personally, I don't believe that you couldn't have not known what was happening. I think you had to feign ignorance, dawn the rose colored glasses and pretend everything was OK, that the man you loved was not harming your children.

I also don't understand how you could possibly stand by and do nothing after your eldest daughter came forth and told you she was being molested. As a victim, as a survivor, HOW could you do nothing? HOW could you continue to love the man who caused so much harm to us? HOW could you not approach me and ask if he hurt me too?

I often fantasize what my life would be like had I not been molested. I dream that my life would be marvelous! In turn, dreaming is torture. At the same time, I look at my life and am thankful for the fortune I have been blessed with in amongst the darkness. I'm an accomplished writer with two published works. I was successful in theatre as a triple threat. I have many wonderful friends whom I consider my family. This is what I hold on to, what helps me continue with the daily struggles.

I am telling you this because you failed me as a mother. You failed to protect me, to love me, to support me, to guide me, to help me. I have spent most of my life floundering in a sea of pain and loneliness, in turn protecting you, helping you, supporting you, guiding you. I need you to know how your actions affected me as a teenager. Spending my "informative" years listening to your troubles, preventing your suicide attempts, having to have the police intervene on many occasions, coming home to discover you had constructed your grave in the living room with you standing in front of it holding a knife to your wrist. I often wonder what I would have walked into had I been a few minutes later, would you have been bleeding to death on the floor? Having to monitor your pills, to lock up all the alcohol and anything that could possibly be used as a weapon. To having so much anger and pity for you... for feeling trapped and burdened. For the loss of the beautiful mother-daughter relationship I long for. For being unable to go to you to tell you how much I was hurting, how I was hurting myself, how I wanted to commit suicide, what Dad did to me, that I was raped. I had to escape you. I ran off and got married at the age of twenty, spent five years of my life in a living hell, all to escape you. Yet, when you called and begged me to come back, I did. I knew it wouldn't be any different, any iota of trouble in your life would again become my fault. I would again have to pick up the pieces, to put me and my health on the back burner to care for you. I came back because I hoped upon all hope that you would protect me from the man I called my husband. That for once you would intervene and stop me from being hurt. Instead, you sat back and ignored it. You often closed your door and turned up the television so you wouldn't have to hear my screams of pain. At least this time you didn't yell at me to shut up, although, I would have rather been yelled at, being ignored caused me more pain.


I am incredibly angry with you. I have every reason in the world to hold as much anger and hatred towards you as I do.

Yet, I also love you because you are my mom.

I love to hate you...

5 comments:

Holly said...

Hi Survivor,
Thank you for visiting the blog. I would like to let you know one thing I did learn in my journey. I hated someone also when they passed away it was hard. Having those feelings not letting them know I did not hate them as much as the fact they did not understand, are help!
It is just one of my thoughts that came to me reading your post. If you understand that. I wish you all the best in your journey of surviving.
Please stay in touch by email are dropping in at the site.
I would like to link you if you do not mind let me know ok.
Have a nice evening! Sincerely Holly

Anonymous said...

Hi Survivor:
Thanks for sharing your story. I am sure it is an inspiration for many like me. I feel a lot of anger towards my parents especially my mother. I was raped by a cousin of hers when I was about 3 or 4 years old and when I tried to tell her that he had done something to hurt me, she not only refused to listen,instead told me that he cannot do anything like that because he loves me! From then on I was sexually abused by him as well as others in the neighborhood as well as an older cousin and I had no one to even share my trauma with. When I grew up and told my parents about what this cousin had done to me, they did not really believe me and continued to have friendly relationships. Even when I requested that he not be invited for my wedding, they said, "what would people say!" My feelings just did not matter to them.
As a result of the childhood sexual abuse, I have suffered from clinical depression as well an inability to form relationships.
I have issues with both love and trust and so I keep people at arms length. I am so scared that if people find out the truth about me, they will hate me. I have also been molested a number of times as an adult and I don't even speak about it. Add to that is a forced arranged marriage that has not worked from day one!

And yes, I really hate my parents.

Anonymous said...

Hi Survivor:
Thanks for sharing your story. I am sure it is an inspiration for many like me. I feel a lot of anger towards my parents especially my mother. I was raped by a cousin of hers when I was about 3 or 4 years old and when I tried to tell her that he had done something to hurt me, she not only refused to listen,instead told me that he cannot do anything like that because he loves me! From then on I was sexually abused by him as well as others in the neighborhood as well as an older cousin and I had no one to even share my trauma with. When I grew up and told my parents about what this cousin had done to me, they did not really believe me and continued to have friendly relationships. Even when I requested that he not be invited for my wedding, they said, "what would people say!" My feelings just did not matter to them.
As a result of the childhood sexual abuse, I have suffered from clinical depression as well an inability to form relationships.
I have issues with both love and trust and so I keep people at arms length. I am so scared that if people find out the truth about me, they will hate me. I have also been molested a number of times as an adult and I don't even speak about it. Add to that is a forced arranged marriage that has not worked from day one!

And yes, I really hate my parents.

Anonymous said...

Hi Survivor:
Thanks for sharing your story. I am sure it is an inspiration for many like me. I feel a lot of anger towards my parents especially my mother. I was raped by a cousin of hers when I was about 3 or 4 years old and when I tried to tell her that he had done something to hurt me, she not only refused to listen,instead told me that he cannot do anything like that because he loves me! From then on I was sexually abused by him as well as others in the neighborhood as well as an older cousin and I had no one to even share my trauma with. When I grew up and told my parents about what this cousin had done to me, they did not really believe me and continued to have friendly relationships. Even when I requested that he not be invited for my wedding, they said, "what would people say!" My feelings just did not matter to them.
As a result of the childhood sexual abuse, I have suffered from clinical depression as well an inability to form relationships.
I have issues with both love and trust and so I keep people at arms length. I am so scared that if people find out the truth about me, they will hate me. I have also been molested a number of times as an adult and I don't even speak about it. Add to that is a forced arranged marriage that has not worked from day one!

And yes, I really hate my parents.

Anonymous said...

Hi Survivor:
Thanks for sharing your story. I am sure it is an inspiration for many like me. I feel a lot of anger towards my parents especially my mother. I was raped by a cousin of hers when I was about 3 or 4 years old and when I tried to tell her that he had done something to hurt me, she not only refused to listen,instead told me that he cannot do anything like that because he loves me! From then on I was sexually abused by him as well as others in the neighborhood as well as an older cousin and I had no one to even share my trauma with. When I grew up and told my parents about what this cousin had done to me, they did not really believe me and continued to have friendly relationships. Even when I requested that he not be invited for my wedding, they said, "what would people say!" My feelings just did not matter to them.
As a result of the childhood sexual abuse, I have suffered from clinical depression as well an inability to form relationships.
I have issues with both love and trust and so I keep people at arms length. I am so scared that if people find out the truth about me, they will hate me. I have also been molested a number of times as an adult and I don't even speak about it. Add to that is a forced arranged marriage that has not worked from day one!

And yes, I really hate my parents.