The "something"

I know what the something is that has been ebbing below the surface and I have been trying so very hard to run from.

Reading The Lovely Bones has triggered every facet of being raped. Every emotion, every physical feeling is so real it feels like it just happened. It's like living a waking nightmare. I'm frozen in time, being hit with snippets of the rape constantly. If I close my eyes I can feel his breath on my neck, his whispers in my ear. The searing pain. The feeling of absolute terror and being frozen, unable to fight, unable to protect myself.

I do wish I was dead. I do wish I didn't have to feel this, didn't have to relive it.

I need to stop writing about this, I can't handle it.

I don't understand the way our minds work. If something is so traumatic, why must we relive it?